Me: Alphabetically or numerically?
He was in sheer pain...
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
Our lives would be very stale
An Amish drive by shooting.
What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks!
I am so proud of her! Edit: wording.
In other words, a pedi-file.
I eventually found all three of them sitting on the hearth in front of the fireplace.
My dad, being the joker he is, promptly said "There's nothing I can say. In total, three clips on the hearth."
Your humour is amazing, dads
I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said “I think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”
I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, “but it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”
An Amish drive-by.
I should have known she'd try to Stahl...
Don't you try to start anything.
The funny thing is that one of the was already charged and the other one was grounded
Because potholder was taken.
Edit:clip,not clup.
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
Really took the edge off
When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.
We decided to take it to our house. I told my dad expecting him to be pleased. Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.
Crying i said what was that for. My dad said How many times do i have to tell you. DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!
https://imgur.com/2ylrnpK
"I swear, this is the most convenient object I own. It appears my schedule would indeed allow for a light Netflix binge," he said, time-waistingly.
'e clips
Me: I don’t know about you, but I drove to work.
I responded with "It must have been that darn rubber bandit again!" That was my first really quick dad joker that I actually got complimented on!
He was a clip toe maniac
Presenter: "The driver sustained no permanent injuries."
Dad: "Because he died?"
And my dad looks at it and goes, "It's a small bouquet in every sense of the word! Triple pun, hoo baby!"
"It was a hairy situation at Great Clips..."
It took me a second to catch it but when I did I had to chuckle.
Eu-clipped-us!
Got my daughters with some quick thinking last night.
I was annoying my younger daughter with some fatherly banter when she complained, "Dad, can you NOT?"
To which I replied, "Yes, I can! I just take two bits of string and tie them together."
My bonus reward was the sound of my older daughter noisily expelling the big mouthful of drink she'd just had back into her cup, before laughing her head off.
My work here is done...
But, it kinda grew on me...
My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.
"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."
At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"
He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"
This all mainly involves my actions and thinking to myself.
So I'm cutting my nails with clippers, the clipping seem to travel at a pretty high velocity then cut.
anyway, at one moment I had the clippers facing away from me, meaning my nails were pointing at me. When I cut, the clipping flew up and hit me on the eyelid, felt very close to going in.
That's when I thought:
"Shit, I almost nailed myself in the eye"
Her: Staples?
Me: No, paper clips.
An Amish driveby.
