5 minutes of cutting edge clipping puns youtube.com/watch?v=eJ3cq…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waka42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
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GF: I just finished clipping my nails and now I'm filing them.

Me: Alphabetically or numerically?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djental
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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So I was clipping the sheep today and I slipped and cut him

He was in sheer pain...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomCustomRc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".

She said "I don't understand.....".

I said " UN-PAUSE".

I had to explain it to her...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJJoyce
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Without saran wrap or bread clips.

Our lives would be very stale

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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These comments where from a clip where someone cleaning at a foreign range almost gets hit by a stray bullet
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PbyFortress
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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What goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG, BANG, BANG?

An Amish drive by shooting.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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My 9 year old wanted me to post her joke here!

What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks!

I am so proud of her! Edit: wording.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valenshyne
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...

In other words, a pedi-file.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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So, my mum lost a few hair clips...

I eventually found all three of them sitting on the hearth in front of the fireplace.

My dad, being the joker he is, promptly said "There's nothing I can say. In total, three clips on the hearth."

Your humour is amazing, dads

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidinator69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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I was trying to get the rent for this month together, but my wife kept showing me clips from 60 Minutes...

I should have known she'd try to Stahl...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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What goes "clip-clop-clip-clop-bang?"

An Amish drive-by.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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What did the bartender say to the alligator clips?

Don't you try to start anything.

The funny thing is that one of the was already charged and the other one was grounded

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeckingBambuuzeld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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Clip art
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πŸ‘€︎ u/burtybob92
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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A clip off the old block
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dis_newt02
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Roach clips are pot holders
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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It’s a β€œPAPER CLIP”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deathwithdarkness
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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[OC] Guess the Visual Pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PunPics
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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Condom commercials should just be a short clip of a couple trying to enjoy a nice meal in public with children.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrClapCheeks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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On a clip of clams lurching around on a plate
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Why is a roach clip called a roach clup?

Because potholder was taken.

Edit:clip,not clup.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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I'm unhappy because my neighbor's sheep aren't clipped properly.

I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterAsia6
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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Got my cats nails clipped today...

Really took the edge off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kenithal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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Clip art
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samimac03
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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So im about ten years old walking home from school with my mates..

When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.

We decided to take it to our house. I told my dad expecting him to be pleased. Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.

Crying i said what was that for. My dad said How many times do i have to tell you. DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Woodn’t Ie?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/strychinine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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It has sunk
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Electrokid08
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Crime is getting worse where I live, so my dad decided to give me some protection and boxed up his trusty 9mm, a big and a small clip and a bunch of shells for me! [Xpost /r/funny]

https://imgur.com/2ylrnpK

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lindymad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2016
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What does the moon do when he needs a haircut?

'e clips

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glasseyeroses
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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Dan glanced at the small watch he kept clipped to his belt, and smiled.

"I swear, this is the most convenient object I own. It appears my schedule would indeed allow for a light Netflix binge," he said, time-waistingly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thelastcubscout
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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Why isn't there a monthly magazine about guns called Clip?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2016
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At the end of the work day coworker sighs loudly and says: How did we get here?

Me: I don’t know about you, but I drove to work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vapingpigeon94
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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There was this kinky burglar who would sneak into people's bedrooms to give them a pedicure as they slept. .

He was a clip toe maniac

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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My co-worker dumped a small box of rubber bands looking for a paper clip. My other co-worker comes into the office and asks what happened to the rubber bands.

I responded with "It must have been that darn rubber bandit again!" That was my first really quick dad joker that I actually got complimented on!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ralyks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2016
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Dad dropped this one on us yesterday when we were watching a video clip of someone crashing his race car.

Presenter: "The driver sustained no permanent injuries."
Dad: "Because he died?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/S1nth0raS
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2014
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So I have a snifter glass of clipped basil leaves on my desk as a piece of decoration...

And my dad looks at it and goes, "It's a small bouquet in every sense of the word! Triple pun, hoo baby!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trepwn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2013
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What did the gum trees say after I pruned them?

Eu-clipped-us!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaryuSaryu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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My local news anchor this morning regarding a car driving into a Great Clips

"It was a hairy situation at Great Clips..."

It took me a second to catch it but when I did I had to chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCP100
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2014
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Rip 2017

2017 - 2017

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justinb535
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
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Yes, I can!

Got my daughters with some quick thinking last night.

I was annoying my younger daughter with some fatherly banter when she complained, "Dad, can you NOT?"

To which I replied, "Yes, I can! I just take two bits of string and tie them together."

My bonus reward was the sound of my older daughter noisily expelling the big mouthful of drink she'd just had back into her cup, before laughing her head off.

My work here is done...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unfairrobot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2016
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I hate biting my nails

But, it kinda grew on me...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raghavendra98
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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My Dad's signature longform joke

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/budgeroo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Me: Hey honey, where can I buy some paperclips?

Her: Staples?

Me: No, paper clips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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I just Dad Joked myself. I'm ashamed

This all mainly involves my actions and thinking to myself.

So I'm cutting my nails with clippers, the clipping seem to travel at a pretty high velocity then cut.

anyway, at one moment I had the clippers facing away from me, meaning my nails were pointing at me. When I cut, the clipping flew up and hit me on the eyelid, felt very close to going in.

That's when I thought:

"Shit, I almost nailed myself in the eye"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frecklejam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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What goes "Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, TWANG clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop"?

An Amish driveby.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mangosta007
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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