In other words, a pedi-file.
Really took the edge off
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
"I swear, this is the most convenient object I own. It appears my schedule would indeed allow for a light Netflix binge," he said, time-waistingly.
And my dad looks at it and goes, "It's a small bouquet in every sense of the word! Triple pun, hoo baby!"
I eventually found all three of them sitting on the hearth in front of the fireplace.
My dad, being the joker he is, promptly said "There's nothing I can say. In total, three clips on the hearth."
Your humour is amazing, dads
An Amish drive-by.
Don't you try to start anything.
The funny thing is that one of the was already charged and the other one was grounded
Because potholder was taken.
Edit:clip,not clup.
An Amish driveby.
'e clips
He was a clip toe maniac
Eu-clipped-us!
Me: Alphabetically or numerically?
He was in sheer pain...
Me: I don’t know about you, but I drove to work.
https://imgur.com/2ylrnpK
But, it kinda grew on me...
I clipped a picture of him and put it inside. I told him how proud I am because from this day forward he is independent.
Presenter: "The driver sustained no permanent injuries."
Dad: "Because he died?"
"It was a hairy situation at Great Clips..."
It took me a second to catch it but when I did I had to chuckle.
Got my daughters with some quick thinking last night.
I was annoying my younger daughter with some fatherly banter when she complained, "Dad, can you NOT?"
To which I replied, "Yes, I can! I just take two bits of string and tie them together."
My bonus reward was the sound of my older daughter noisily expelling the big mouthful of drink she'd just had back into her cup, before laughing her head off.
My work here is done...
I work in a medical lab. I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said “I think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”
I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, “but it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”
https://clips.twitch.tv/BelovedTriangularFalconStrawBeary
Her: Staples?
Me: No, paper clips.
So my wife and I are house/petsitting for some friends of ours. They have two cats, and a ten month old German Shepard. Being ten months old, the puppy is still a little rowdy. Tonite, after we took him for a walk, we let him kind of hang out in the house.
He still wanted to play, and jammed his elephant toy in my wife's face as she sat on the couch crocheting. She pulled back and he jammed it into her chest, then released and bit down to get a better grip on the toy.
In doing so he just clipped my wife's ahem nipple. She immediately pushed the dog away and grabbed the affected area. I stood up to help, somehow, and asked her if she was okay.
She looked me straight in the eye and said "Yeah, it's just a little nip." I couldn't be more proud.
The stables have turned...
Papal clips.
So a news anchor is interviewing the avatar of a hawaiian volcano, a man made of molten rock. The interview goes well, but the volcano god cant' seem to stop staring at the reporter's chest with his eyes of burning, liquid stone. She plays it cool, but waits for the interview to be over to call the spirit on his rude actions. He looks her in the eyes, then points to her exposed microphone, clipped to her lapelle. "What do you call that," he asks.
It's a Lavalier mic.
Solar e-clips
By adding a paper clip
Roger Federer and Ron Paul are playing tennis. The set is close and Federer has serve. His first delivery sailed wide, but his second serve clipped the net and just barely landed on the line. The umpire called a let.
Ron Paul started arguing with the chair ump, he was positive that the serve was out, resulting in a double fault.
Needless to say, Ron Paul is vehemently against the Federer Re-serve.
I was holding my daughter's hand as she was throwing a fit while getting her nails clipped by my wife. To calm her down, I asked her when her fingers had turned into doughnuts.
sniff Doughnuts? sniff
Yeah, Doughnuts. It's obvious that you've got some bearclaws
crickets
Dad: About 230 pounds.
He's said this to me at least once a week pretty much my entire life. Whenever I forget and ask I feel like I've pulled the pin on grenade still clipped to my belt.
Clip Clops
As a Steelers fan it pains me to say but JTuck is easily my new favorite Raven. Fantastic delivery. And an even better confused, fake laugh response from the crowd.
http://www.espn.com/video/clip?id=18153124&ex_cid=espnfb&sf43653524=1
My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.
"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."
At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"
He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"
This all mainly involves my actions and thinking to myself.
So I'm cutting my nails with clippers, the clipping seem to travel at a pretty high velocity then cut.
anyway, at one moment I had the clippers facing away from me, meaning my nails were pointing at me. When I cut, the clipping flew up and hit me on the eyelid, felt very close to going in.
That's when I thought:
"Shit, I almost nailed myself in the eye"
My brother got married recently. While we were getting dressed in our tuxedos, my dad and my brother's wife's sister's husband, who is a gynecologist, were trying to figure out how to tie my brother's bow tie (the rest of us had clip-ons).
They were watching a video as my gyno-in-law carefully followed along. My dad said, 'It's so complicated. So many folds.' And my brother's wife's sister's husband said, 'good thing I'm a gynecologist'
posted this story as a comment in a recent r/AskReddit post. Thought you'd like it too
I'm thinking of opening a shopping center which specializes in only the stores you can never seem to find when you want them. For instance:
- New Navy
- Half Foods
- Over Armor
- Paper Clips
- 49 Cent Store
- Seniors R Us (really old stuff like antiques)
- Tom & Harry's Sporting Goods
- Pier 99 Exports
- Yankee Light Bulb
- O.M.G. Monday's
- Due Pizza (It's Italian, not Spanish)
- Rhode Island Closets (they are very small)
- Open Space (think about it)
An electrician I hired to do some work in my house today has been tasked to install a combination heat lamp / exhaust fan unit in my bathroom. After installing it though, we found out the fan has a defect and its blades are slightly clipping the cowl.
Me: "Well, that sucks."
Him: "That's what it's supposed to do."
I walked right into that one.
I was a young teenager, hanging out with my cousins at a family wedding. We were dressed in our finest: button-down shirts and ties (a rare thing for some of us). It was the middle of the photo shoot, so we had to wait around for our turn.
My uncle sees us, bored out of our minds, and asks if we wanted to have a "tie race." Seeing our puzzled expressions, he demonstrated by rolling up his tie from the bottom to the top like a cinnamon roll.
We got the idea immediately, rolling up our ties as well. Everyone had their own strategy: some rolled theirs tighter, others looser. Some rolled up the tail, others didn't. Some had clip-ons.
On the count of three, we released our ties to see whose unrolled the fastest. We all looked around, trying to decide who actually won the race, when my uncle declared:
It's a tie!
He was trying to get into a club one night, the club was busy, and when he got to the front of the line he could see the bouncer looking for an excuse to turn him away. "Sorry sir, you're just not dressed smart enough," He said, "you'll have to put on a tie."
So my dad starts walking up and down the street, asking people if he could borrow or buy their tie (he really needed to get in) but most people took him for some crazy person and turned him away. After trying for 10 minutes he saw a road side assistant car down the street. He rushed up to the operator and said "Please, I know you're not generally for this but by any chance do you have a tie I can borrow?" The serviceman replies "Sorry sir the best I can do is tie this set of jumper leads around your neck" He ties the leads around dad's neck and make it look all nice (making sure to hide the copper clips in his shirt), and dad heads back to the club. The bouncer looks him up and down again, nods and says, "You can come in, but don't start anything."
While watching a Modern Marvels clip about vulcanized rubber I turned to my son and told him "It helped the tires to live long and prosper." He gave me nothing, my own dad however loved it.
clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG BANG clipclopclipclopclipclopclipclop
While listening to NPR the reporter is talking about an attack on a refugee camp and cuts to a audio clip of a man who was there during the attack and says something along the lines of "People where in pieces. Everyone was running so I grabbed my childs hand and ran." immediately my dad cuts in with "WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE CHILD?" After he realized what he had actually just said we agreed that sorta joke was off limits.
Dad said he heard it was one of their paper clips.
Do any of your Dads do that thing where you're walking behind him and he'll suddenly slow down causing you to clip the back of his shoes 'Do you like these do you?' 'You can wear them if you want' 'If you want my shoes you only have to say' etc? It's so annoying!
I love Anna Kendrick, and my dad sent me an email with the subject line "Anna Kendrick sings and goes topless in new 'The Last Five Years' clip" with a link to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtG2DJnLBEk
As you can see, Anna does not actually go topless in the trailer. When I questioned his subject line, he responded "She's in a topless car..."
I can't quite figure where this joke belongs, but it occurs in this one minute clip featuring a mountain lion. The answer this dad gives to his wife about where the kids are had me rolling:
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33251042
A: (getting out of the tub) "I'm cold!"
I proceed to call him "Cold" as a proper name for the next five minutes while he gets dried off and I clip his fingernails. ("Give me your hand, Cold." "What's so funny, Cold?")
Me: "Okay, Cold, go get on your pajamas."
A: (laughing) "STOP CALLING ME 'COLD.'"
Me: "You know... if you get your pajamas on... and warm up..."
A: "Then I won't be 'Cold' any more."
Me: "Yep."
(Pajamas on)
Me: "A! Where have you been?? I haven't seen you for a while. I thought 'Cold' was going to be here all night!"
