Chosenness Puns

They picked him for being husky

I/Me/Mine

I turned to her and said: Do you want to have sex honey?

No, she answered.

So i said is that your final answer?

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes'!

So i said, then I'd like to phone a friend.

But now we're Row K.

I am a high school teacher and have been chosen to participate in a “Don’t make me laugh Christmas edition” against another teacher. I get 5 Christmas Dad jokes to try to make the other person laugh. Let me know what you have!

Mama Mia!

1

Laika million to one

In one particular scene he’s strolling down a busy street in NYC and a taxi almost hits him. He slams the hood of the taxi and yells

Hey I’m Joaquin here!

“Look. I’m your father. I’m not a comedian.”

Happy Father’s Day, SW nerds and everyone else.

I'm proud he chose a good roll model.

With a pair of Caesars. Duh.

Oh...Dad jokes. Not dad jokes. Apologies

he could have been the one who knock knocks.

Nice of you to drop by!

Minimum Mouse.

I relished the opportunity!

The Hurt of two feetie.

He said it was a moving violation

It was a ball hogger.

He was too far out, man.

Unlike Twilight, he can't suck as Batman.

They were violion people

It ended up a tie.

Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today.

Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold

“Not on, my watch.”

He had experience in molecular Gastonomy.

Not many words rhyme with “paper”.

After four days of nothing to eat I was delirious from starvation. In my desperation I went hunting for the first thing that looked remotely appetizing. Soon I stumbled upon an indigenous macaque, and with a focused throw of my spear I skewered it in one hit.

Only half the battle was over, though. I had no idea what to do with this corpse. I've cooked easy things like beef, poultry, and pork but never a monkey. Fortunately, a wandering traveler came by, so I asked him how I should prepare it. He said, "That's easy. Just boil the monkey. Nice and fast." Then he left.

While it did sound easy, boiled meat usually doesn't taste good. However, another wandering traveler soon meandered by, so I asked him what to do. He said, "If you're patient and want good flavor, slowly spit roast the monkey over a fire." He then walked away.

That sounded much better, but I was too hungry to wait that long. As fate would have it, a third wandering traveler sauntered by, so I asked for his advice. He said, "If you're pressed for time but still want something delicious, then skin the monkey, render its fat, and deep fry the meat in its own fat." He went on his way.

I had three unique options to pick from, and while I hadn't immediately chosen one I definitely learned something new:

There's no wrong way to eat a rhesus.

My 6 year old son came up to me tonight and asked, "What are you holding under there?" I ask, "Under where?"

He walks away, laughing his ass off.

Hebrews

He's complaining about all this costly work his minivan needs including some $1,700 exhaust work...

Me: Yeah, I hear you, maintaining vehicles can be exhausting...

Couldn't wipe the shit eating grin off my face as he kept talking.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want