Buy Ticket Puns

But push him out of the airplane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.

Because it isn't a fan

It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.

It is a long standing commitment.

Barking.

It was an automated phone system which said, "Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…"

Looks like it is going to be a Full House

My dad: "May I get 1 lottery ticket?"

Cashier: "what kind?"

My dad: "the winning one!"

Every. Time.

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a long time but he gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually gets the limo. He goes to buy her flowers and the line at the florist is really long, but he eventually gets them. At prom, his girlfriend asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there is no punchline.

People who make soda jokes must know a lot about pop culture.

When I said yes he pulled a picture of the cleaning products "pride" and "joy". The man carries these pictures in his wallet at all times.

So I buy 4 tickets for a football game and I take my pregnant wife, our son, and our daughter. We look for seating, but we can't find our section.

Me: *Thinks to self and looks at tickets*... These tickets are for the section C.

Me: Honey, where's the C section?

Wife: Um, I didn't get one yet.

Me: *Looks below*

...He could hear from the music and the roar of all the people, it sounded like it was going to be a lot of fun so he got in line to buy a ticket. Once inside he ran into Sally, whom he'd had a massive crush on since grade 3, seven long years ago. They danced up a storm all night, and he felt like tonight was going to "end well". 10 or 15 songs later they had worked up quite a thirst. They meandered over to the drink table and asked the guy in front of them if this was the line to get a drink, and he replied "That's right, this is the punchline".

They could just buy a ticket

So I called Sea World to buy some tickets but just got the recorded message “your call may be used for training porpoises...”

I joked with him about how the boxes are piling up and I need him to cut them up. He lives overseas so he said that if I buy his plane ticket, he'll come and do the work. I told him that my gardener Ebodio will cut the boxes if I ask him to, and much less money. To make my dad feel better, I (half-jokingly) say that Ebodio's technique is not as good and he will be slower, but he'll be a whole lot cheaper.

My dad's response: "I feel like I am being undercut"

She was buying tickets to a show, and the theater is separated into two sections.

Her: "Do you want to sit in the upper or lower section?"

Me: "Top or bottom. It doesn't matter, I'm bi-sectional."

I got a good glare, and a sense that I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight.

My father and I were in a gas station full of people. He decides to buy a power ball ticket and I attempt to embarrass him.

Me: "You know, if you win the power ball we will be able to finally get out of the family business of being poor."

Father: "Get out of it? The hell with that, we will sell it. See, ideas like that are why we are still poor!"

Witty old bastard.

So my mum has a friend who's name is Iris and my mum was talking about how Iris forgot to buy tickets for something, of which i follow up with: well that's very iris-ponsible of her, groaning commenced

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

Brother: If Chelsea had to play versus Man. City in a playoff, I'd buy a ticket instead of saving for a car (soccer teams)

Me: Those tickets would be like.. £70 a piece

Dad: Man, that's a heavy ticket

We went to see Jumper. As we went to go buy our tickets my dad said, "Hi, two tickets to that movie about a sweater please." I groaned loudly.

A guy takes his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. the rental line is really long, but eventually he does it. He goes to buy her flowers, the line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.

A young man is going to prom with his date. He waits a long time in line for tickets, but he gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is very long, but he gets the limo. He goes to the florist to buy flowers, and he waits in line for an hour, but he gets the flowers. Finally, at prom, his date asks him to get some punch. He goes to the refreshment table, and there's no punchline.