Background: My boyfriend is stuck on crutches after having hip surgery and likes to sit in the recliner with his legs propped up. Since he can't move his hips, I have to lower the footrest for him to get out of the chair.
Him: Can you put my feet down so I can go relax in the bed for a while?
Me: Feet, you're stupid and useless and no one likes you!
Him giving me silence with a side of contempt while I cackle.
Laughter is the best medicine...
In his sleevies!
He said no, this is light.
So I planted some bulbs
Everything, except one has 8 legs and the other is a grape.
A handy-lion
Lamp oil, it'll brighten them up instantly.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. Turns out he’s a web designer
A lightbulb.
None - that's a hardware problem.
To brighten their day
We were studying for class and she had to look up a word in the dictionary. She likes to speak to herself out loud sometimes when she's looking for something.
Her: P...p...p...where's the P's
Me: Probably in the kitchen.
I got a death glare. Always worth it.
I don’t know if i’m allowed to post not a dad joke but seriously, this sub makes me laugh everytime I scroll through it. It always brightens my day. Thank you to all the dad jokers out there <3.
Then it dawned on me.
To brighten things up a bit, I'll be going as The Sun.
Not really relaxing as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out "60 Watts - Made in China".
This is my first post and one of the first dadjokes I've made. I shared this one with my friends after we had our first snow this year:
I've been very reflective today. Mainly because when the sunlight hit the snow and puddles, the reflections kept hitting me more than usual….
Quickly leave room
Definitely a high light.
Watt?
What I say every time I flick a light switch.
Last week, this gem was posted: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ckwidu/a_wife_asks_her_husband_could_you_please_go/
I told my wife and kids, got groans. Later, I was on the phone with my dad, making plans to meet at Fenway Park, and told him. He loved it and told my mom. A couple of hours later, he calls me back and is still dying over the joke.
Tuesday night, I was taking my parents to the game (Mothers/Fathers day gift) and met them at the park. When my wife and I arrived, they handed my wife a bag of avocados.
Thanks r/dadjokes for consistently brightening my day.
They liked each other.
They're pigments of your imagination.
Sorry, was this joke too off-color?
The last couple of weeks have been rough with rough patches going on with my relationship with my fiance and other stuff in general. I wasnt able to do much for New Years and had to spend it alone for the first time in several years.
Its sounds corny, but reading through all the "last year" jokes has brought joy to my life and brought genuine laughter when it's been hard for me to find it, especially recently. It's hard to smile, especially during rough patches of life, but you've brightened my evening in a way that I havent felt in a while.
I hope you all have a great 2019, and thank you again.
(You could say that I spent all year writing this :P)
...but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
It really brightens up my day.
Thanks, it really brightens up the room.
then it dawned on me
He walked over to the lamp and said, "Hey there sexy lamp, how YOU doin'?"
So this was a couple days ago. It was my dad, my mom, and me at the dinner table talking about the stock market. My dad pulls around to how he owns some shares of the MJNA stock (medical marijuana) and how pumped he is that has been going up. All of a sudden, his face brightens and he exclaims "it's at an all time high!"
Well played dad, well played.
I was sitting at the dinner table talking to him, and he asked me about my bunk at the camp I'm work at, I told him that there were 2 shadows for some of the campers, he responded, "When you go into the room, you brighten up the room, and all the shadows go away".
I just thought a lamp post would brighten your day.
An old farmer brightened up my otherwise very slow day at work this morning. Me: G'day do you need a hand Old Guy: It would be useful but I already have two
A police officer, while out on patrol, pulls a brand new sports car over for speeding. He walks up to the car and sees a large, dirty pig in the passenger seat. The cop says to the guy driving "Why do you have a huge, filthy pig in this brand new car?" The guy says to the officer, "I don't know what to do. My father just closed his farm and sold the land, and gave me his prized pig. His farm was the last in the county, and I live in a small house. I have no idea what to do with this pig!" The officer then says to the guy, "Well, take him to the zoo!" The guys eyes brighten and thanks the officer for the brilliant idea. The officer lets the guy go, and off they drive to the zoo. A week later the same police officer is on patrol when he sees the same new sports car. He pulls the car over and walks up to it only to see the same pig in the passenger seat. "What are you doing?" says the officer, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" "I did," says the guy, "and he had so much fun, I am taking him to the movies."
That was one of the two jokes my dad told me all the time when I was a kid.
Daughter and I were sitting in McDonald's and "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars comes on.
I said "This song is kind of weird."
She said "Why do you say that?"
I said "It sounds like it's from Mars."
She brightens, thinking she's got me: "It IS fr-- Oh why do I fall for it!?"
