My friend phoned me. 'I just stole some goatskin,' he said breathlessly, 'and now the police are chasing me. What should I do?'

I said, 'Hide?'

He said, 'Yes, that's what goatskin is.'

👍︎ 76
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👤︎ u/TommehBoi
📅︎ Aug 29 2018
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Hitler invents a time machine...

It's some time in the second world war and Hitlers top scientists have built a time machine. Eager to use it, but fearing an accident, the fuhrer instead sends one of his henchman forward to 1985, hoping to gain knowledge of the future to use against his enemies.

Much to Hitlers chagrin however, the henchman quickly returns to the present with only a Casio Keyboard in hand. Breathless with excitement, he declares "Mein Fuhrer! With this device we shall wage sonic warfare on our enemies!"... He hits the demo button and the room is filled with sound.

"So... what do you think?" says the henchman.

Hitler, aghast at this otherworldly device says

"You must be mad Schultz! There's no place in this world for a Nazi Synthesizer!"

👍︎ 26
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👤︎ u/tomheist
📅︎ Jun 15 2016
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Trust issues

Our son came running into the house, and breathlessly asked, "when are we going to replace those stairs?"
Husband asks him, "why would we replace the stairs?"
Meanwhile, I'm trying to consider all the possible ways a kid could manage to damage a concrete stoop.
Son says, "I don't trust them, they're always up to something."
Without missing a beat, husband responds with, "they've been supporting you your entire life, I think they've earned your trust by now."

Better luck next time, young Grasshopper.

👍︎ 8
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👤︎ u/outsitting
📅︎ Apr 04 2016
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