This has probably been said a thousand times, but my girlfriend somehow didn't find it hysterical.

While making dinner tonight for the family, my girlfriend wanted to add more of that dark, leafy, and easily pun-able green called Kale.

Girlfriend: Can I add more kale?

Me: Won't that be over-kale?

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadowofShasta
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2016
🚨︎ report
My neighbour banged on my door at 3am, screaming and shouting hysterically, the poor fella..

Luckily, I was up practicing my drums at the time..

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dontmeenafing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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What’s got peanut butter, and flies laughing hysterically over the beach?

A sand witch

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Borderline Inappropriate Dad Joke

This just happened...we get home from doing some Xmas shopping at a certain sporting goods store and my teenage daughter says...

"DAD! Where is your Dick's bag?"

I say "That's inappropriate" .... She looks at me curious like WTH are you talking about

I then say "We call it a condom."

She... pauses for a moment ... then "oh... MY GOD!"... and hysterical "I can't believe you just said that" type laughing ensues

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kindatrolly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Pizza Cheese

My friend just told me that pizza restaurants’ mozzarella is actually blended with provolone to make it more affordable and my only response was

β€œThey cut the cheese?!”

And I’ve been laughing hysterically at my own joke for 10 minutes

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/papermoonfortune
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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A man was found crying hysterically between the ashes of a burnt forest

He had lost a deer friend in the wildfire

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/impostorbot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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Why do Murderers always laugh hysterically?

That’s how they put the Laughter in Slaughter...!

Happy Halloween πŸŽƒ

Here all night haha

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theredditgotme
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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My dad's version of a well known nursery rhyme. He used to recite this all the time when I was a kid and then proceed to laugh hysterically for several minutes.

Hickory Dickory Dock

Three mice ran up the clock,

The clock struck one,

And the other two got away with minor injuries.

ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BardLover108
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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History lessons

When I fight with my wife, she keeps getting historical.

You mean, hysterical, right?

No, she keeps bringing up the past

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/checker280
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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This happened tonight. Dinner at a Japanese restaurant. My appetizer was a tuna taco topped with wakeme

Singing β€œWakeme up before you go go” apparently wasn’t as hysterical to everyone else.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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Slaying the New Generation

A younger co-worker just walked past my office and said "I'm so tired," to which I replied "Hello Miss Tired, may I call you 'So'"?
She was immediately in absolute hysterical laughter. I don't know how long it went on. She walked away and was still laughing until she was out of ear shot.
I'm starting to suspect she's drunk.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReallyBigTurtle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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I was on the receiving end of the dad joke today.

I lost my phone and asked my dad if he could call it and his response was to yell β€œlolabean’s phone!” and then laugh hysterically and ask for a high five

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_lolabean_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Biology Dad Joke

My Bio professor was teaching us how to press plants for our field journals. He kicked off the lecture with:

"Well, let's get down to the pressing business, shall we?"

Out of a room of twenty people, one person laughed. That person was me.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnorexicBuddha
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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My first dad joke

My 10 month old was sitting in her high chair and twisting and moving all over the place. My wife looked at me and told me to "Straighten her up"

I looked at her and said "What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up."...

My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.

πŸ‘︎ 870
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trmiller1326
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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I guess I'm a dad now...[actually happened]

Me: Starts randomly meowing in bed

Wife comes in and looks at me as much as to say WTF?

Me: I was cat calling you; and it worked!

Wife sighs and looks defeated

Me: Laughs hysterically

πŸ‘︎ 244
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πŸ‘€︎ u/james2432
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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Told a dad joke while meeting my girlfriend's family

So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said

"I like to play a little guitar"

The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksplosiveness
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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my 4 year old daughter played me with this one

after a slight, recent issue of my kid putting her shoes on the wrong feet, she hits me with this...

"daddy, not like shoes, socks can go on either foot!"

"youve got it, honey"

i look down a few seconds later... both socks are on the same foot.

"you told me either foot was ok!" she laughed hysterically for minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CityFarming
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2016
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My dad would be proud

I been fooling around with this girl who's 5'9" and 110lbs.

Me: I don't understand how you're so skinny; we both eat the same unhealthy garbage

Her: It's hereditary, everyone in my family is real skinny.

Me: So I guess you've got skinny genes!

I laughed hysterically. She was mildly amused.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0000001010011010
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2015
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Dad cracked this one at the dinner table.

Me: Reach for the jalapenos to put on my enchiladas

Dad: Be careful. Those jalapenos can get really personal.

Me: What?

Dad: Yeah, they'll get jalap-en-yo business.

Me: Laugh hysterically

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/suedestacks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
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A dad Manning the grill at a backyard bbq. Son approaches...

Son: "Dad? Can you make me a burger?"

Dad: "Sure! (waives tongs like a magic wand) POOF! You're a burger!"

(Dad laughing hysterically. Son rolls eyes)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darknighten89
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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Why is it dangerous to play cards in the jungle?

Cause there’s too many cheetahs.

-my kid thinks this is hysterical because cheetahs don’t live in the jungle, they live in the savannah.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/undatedrelic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife looked down at my foot today and said I had a hairy toe...

Without hesitation, I immediately said I have a β€˜toe’tee...

Then I proceeded to laugh hysterically... at my own joke... I am not ashamed. πŸ˜‚πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LG1040
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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Walgreens cashier got me today.

I was picking up a jug of lemonade at Walgreens (being that it was the closest store) and gave the cashier a $5 bill. Some strange force came out of me, and I felt comfortable with the man, and said "Here's a Lincoln." He replies,

"I'd personally prefer a Cadillac, but I'll take a Lincoln."

Everyone behind me in line groaned while the cashier and I laughed hysterically.

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jon_alel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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So proud of my 2.5 year old daughter for telling her first dad joke!

My 5 month old has a little bit of a cough. The conversation went something like this:.
5 month old: {coughs}.
My wife: Goodness, where is that little cough coming from?
2.5 year old: Baby's mouth!
Me: {laughs hysterically}

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timbillyosu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Sudden Urge to get Naked

(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]

This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.

My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.

Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"

Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.

After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"

He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unicorn_brew
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Friend of mine posted this on Facebook

Working with dad today : Dad : 'here's sone earplugs mate. You're only getting two .'

Me: 'thats fine I only have two ears '

Dad :' not everyone has two ears you know , some people have three '

Me : ' like who ? '

Dad :' well captain kirk had one left ear , one right ear , and a final frontier '

And my disappointed face leads him into hysterics haha .

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xecuter88
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Calculus professor asked why he should curve the grades to our test.

I said, "It's a calc class, I guess you could say curves are integral to our class."

Groans filled the room. I laughed hysterically.

πŸ‘︎ 223
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agb_123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Start, stop....

Three roommates, a human, a monkey and a dog are watching Netflix when the human and monkey start laughing. The dog rolls his eyes and says β€œThat joke is getting old.” The monkey then says β€œHey, do you want to press play next time?” The human almost chokes on his soda as he starts laughing hysterically. The dog gets up and goes to his room. As he walks off, he turns and with a single tear forming, and his voice quivering he blurts out β€œYou both know I only have paws!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnavant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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Have you seen that clown that has a really hard time controlling his emotions?

He is hysterical.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hann1980
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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Accidentally set my dad up for a good one today

I dunno how it came up but we were talking about incompetent people having children:

Me: you should have to pass a course before you're allowed to have a child

Dad: You do. Intercourse.

Me: instant regret followed by hysterical laughter

πŸ‘︎ 399
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πŸ‘€︎ u/graffitiaddicted
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Made a dentist appointment for my wife

Her: when is my appointment tomorrow
Me: the realisation dawns on me and I start laughing hysterically
Her: what?
Me: drying my eyes 2:30
her: groans did you do that on purpose?

I did not, the fates gave me that one for free.

Edit: Tooth hurty. Apparently that wasn't clear

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
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I got a haircut yesterday...

When my girlfriend saw my haircut for the first time she exclaimed, "It looks great!"

I responded, "Yeah, I didn't like it at first but it's really starting to grow on me..."

There was about three seconds of silence before I said "...get it?" and she groaned. I, of course, laughed hysterically.

πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logancook44
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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A new(ish) Dad and Nike

We have a one year old son who is learning to use a cup. Tonight he was on the porch, "drinking" some water wearing a new and adorable little Nike outfit. The shirt got soaked so I took it off and let him continue to "drink" from his cup. Well of course he eventually dumped it on the floor.

So Dad is sitting there and he tells me to "just wipe it up with the shirt".

I say "NO WAY! I'm not using this brand new Nike shirt to clean the floor!"

Dad responds with "Just Do itℒ…"

...and looked at me with a face like it was the most clever hysterical thing that has ever been uttered in human history.

Me and this poor kid have a long road ahead of us...

πŸ‘︎ 272
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ketochos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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My dad used to get me and my little sister with this daily.

Before I could put my own shoes on I would always ask m dad for help and This was his response every damn time.

me "daddy can you put my shoes on please"

Dad. "I can but I don't think they will fit me"

Followed this my dad would laugh hysterically and me whining saying "Nooo on meeeeee".

πŸ‘︎ 517
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skin969
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2014
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Dad in training

Characters: My wife, my son (four years old), and my daughter (his twin, so obviously also four).


Son: "My classmate didn't like me laughing at her today."

Wife: "Why were you laughing at her?"

Son: "I'm a vampire! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Wife: "OH! Like an evil laugh?"

Son: "Yeah! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Daughter: "I'm a witch! Hee hee hee hee!"

Wife: "So you're both monsters?"

Son: "Yep!"

Daughter: "Hee hee hee hee!"

Wife: "Am I a monster too?"

Son: "Yeah! You're a ... " <dramatic pause> " ... mummy."

Whole family in hysterical laughter, and after it dies down he goes, "Get it!? Mummy!"


I've never been so proud. A spontaneously generated pun of that caliber at four years old, AND an unnecessary clarification/repetition of the joke? I've got high hopes for this one.

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maclimes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Helped my son get my wife

Me: "What does a horse say?"

4 y/o: "Neigh!"

Me: "Horses are neigh-sayers?"

4 y/o: "Yup." Runs into the other room. "Horses are neigh-sayers!" (Laughs hysterically)

Wife, not impressed: "What are you teaching him?"

πŸ‘︎ 169
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gymdykeorbetter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
🚨︎ report
100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • That’s all => Cat’s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Got my girlfriend and she's still mad at me.

She went to her sister's for some sort of clothing-buying party thing, and was telling me about a dress she was handed:

"It was crazy, all these dresses had these really loud prints."

Me: "Huh. Would they look good riding in a little red corvette?"

Cue eye rolling and my hysterical laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amoore109
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2016
🚨︎ report
A train just came by

Riding home with my girlfriend (now wife because of this) and we crossed over some railroad tracks. I let out a loud, "hmmmm."

She said, "What?"

Me, "A train must have just come through here."

She, "How do you know that?"

Me, "Because it left its tracks."

Me laughing hysterically, I could actually hear her eyes roll.

One of my favorites and eight years later, we're still together. The ladies love dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murica1776PewPew
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
One of the tree on our construction site seems dead but keeps coming back to life

This has happened a few times. So yesterday on a conference call my boss mentions that this tree thinks he's either a cat with 9 lives or Jesus christ. I start laughing hysterically because in my head all I can think of is treesus christ.

My second child will be born in 2 weeks. I'm ultimate dad now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurtleCatJr
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I hit my wife in the foot with a remote car...

Wife: Stop that hurts, I have bare feet Me: That's weird, I thought you had human feet

Her reaction to me laughing hysterically was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/n64bking15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
🚨︎ report

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