I made a spreadsheet of all the grassy plains in Scotland, but lost it when my computer crashed.
(Bear with me its a long setup) A frog walks into a bank and asks a woman named Patricia Whack for a loan. "My father is Mick Matter" he says, placing a ceramic elephant on the counter. Patricia goes to her boss and tells him the story, asking "what is this?" And placing the elephant on his desk.
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
What did the plain old-fashioned say to the glaze?
I donut know what I’d be without you.
Boss: Tell me about suzanne Me: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
First day of work, my boss told me to show gratitude to every customer per shift. Now after many years, he says I should show gratitude to a max of 2 customers per shift...
Did you hear about the computer technician who beat up his boss with computer parts?
It turns out he was a real keyboard warrior.
There has been a growing phenomenon on the African plains where male lions have been turning homosexual
It has started to decimate the population since they aren't mating with the female lions. People are calling it the worst infestation of dandy-lions in history!
My boss at the wastewater treatment had an emergency the other day.
A back flow of contaminated water came rushing back pretty fast. I asked what we should do, he’s said “ you tell me. urine charge now.”
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
I was doing repairs/maintenance on a Skyjack when my boss came in asked me how the new parts were working.
I said they were up and down. Refurbished parts just can't cut it.
My Boss asked me who the stupid one is, Me or Him?
I said, "Everybody knows, you don't hire stupid people. "
My boss told me as a security guard my job is to watch the office.
I'm on season six so far, but not sure what it has to do with security.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
My boss said to me "You're the worst train driver ever! How many have you derailed this year?!"
I said "I don't know... it's hard to keep track"
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.
The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.
It was a ham bush
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?
For example
- I ate my friend's lunch
- I ate my friend's colon
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
Sales are down, so my boss asked why the greeting cards aren't moving
I told him it's because they are stationary
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
My computer broke, and my boss told me to take it to the IT guy
So I went outside and threw it in the sewer
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
The CEO of IKEA was just selected as the Prime Minister of Sweden
He’s assembling his cabinet.
Did you hear about the Frenchman at the hat shop who kept getting yelled at by his boss?
He got tired of being beret-ted all of the time.
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?
Wife was at the doctor’s office yesterday and texted me that she’s tired of waiting.
I told her to…be patient.
I’m a new dad of a five-month old baby and I was quite proud of this moment.
What is the opposite of isolate?
The CEOs of Miller, Bud, and Guinness walk into a bar
The bartender asks what they'd like.
The executive of Miller orders a Miller Lite, so the bartender gives it to him. The executive of Bud orders a Bud Light, and he's given one. The bartender looks at the CEO of Guinness, and he asks for a Coke. The bartender, bewildered, hands him the Coke and asks why he didn't order a Guinness. In reply, he said,
"I figured if those two weren't drinking beer, then neither would I!"
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
My boss came in the other day and said it's cat had come home missing an eye...
I said that's weird cause I saw one in the middle of the road on my way in this morning
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
My boss asked me why I went to the gym to get office supplies
I told him that's where I get toner
My boss asked me if I could manage the tills.
So I told them to serve the queue and walked off.
There has been a growing phenomenon on the African plains where male lions have been turning homosexual
It has started to decimate the population since they aren't mating with the female lions. People are calling it the worst infestation of dandy-lions in history!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
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