This just happened...we get home from doing some Xmas shopping at a certain sporting goods store and my teenage daughter says...
"DAD! Where is your Dick's bag?"
I say "That's inappropriate" .... She looks at me curious like WTH are you talking about
I then say "We call it a condom."
She... pauses for a moment ... then "oh... MY GOD!"... and hysterical "I can't believe you just said that" type laughing ensues
family walks into Denny's
Waitress: "Welcome to Denny's! Just five of you today?"
Dad: "Yes, four adults, one child."
Waitress: "Alright, would you like a kids menu today?"
Dad: "No thanks, I just had three. They were delicious."
-_-
I've been thinking about puns including Border Collies for a while now, but can't really find any apart from some "borderline" puns. Any Ideas, Guys?
No shit!
I mean, it's borderline insane.
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
We just clicked
In fact, it’s borderline Chile.
He really crossed the line this time!
They’re all borderline!
(Technically I haven't heard any joke before, but...)
I was telling my dad about tactile sign, which is what deafblind people use to communicate. It is like signing condensed ASL with someone's hands on yours, and it is what I plan on specializing in when I am a Certified Deaf Interpreter. He brought up Helen Keller and the conversation went as follows.
Dad: "But how many people can really do that? How many people could really communicate with Helen Keller?"
Me: "Well-"
Dad: "PROBABLY JUST A HANDFUL!"
I'm borderline convinced he deafened me as an infant in hopes that someday the set up for this joke would present itself.
He said "do you know how to make a green banana yellow" I said I don't know he said "spray paint it"
...I randomly asked "quick algebra question: if I have 10p divided by 5p, what do I have?"
confused looks, not knowing where I'm going
"Um, 2p?"
"Correct, I have to pee."
stares of borderline disgust
You snuggle it across. If you cant bear to do that you are borderline insane, its not even against the claw!
Back when I was in high school, I dated this black girl. A little backstory: I'm white. Anyway, I was with my dad and my uncle, and my uncle made some borderline-racist comment about the black girlfriend, to which my father shrugged and replied, "Eh. They're all pink on the inside."
