Or i'll catch you red-handed
- that’s a Moray !
Half a cat.
My dad told this one during dinner at a fancy restaurant.
I'm just trying to B positive.
A time period
I told her I normally throw my hip out whenever I floss
I was 16 and at a rowing regatta I was competing in. It was middle of the day and very hot everyone was under these massive gazebo/tent structures with big guide wires and these huge rusty steel tent pegs sledgehammered into the dirt.
Anyways I was running late for my race and my crew were yelling at me so I started running. The shortest way was through the spectator area on a big downhill towards the water so at full pace I went that way.
About halfway the top of my barefoot trips on the rusted top of one of these steel pegs and I fall face first and tumble through the dirt with my foot and ankle split open.
People run from all directions, medical staff etc someone holds a towel over my head for shade and I see my dad. He's looking down at me but it's hard to see through the dirt in my eyes and people around.
He asks "bloody hell mate, what happened?".
In agony I manage a "I kicked a tent peg".
He knelt down beside me, looked me in the eye and said "how far did it go?"
but idk, i’ve seen stranger things.
Coagulations
That's good because it's where blood is meant to be.
I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight
The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist
To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!
It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"
But after checking, it’snot.
No, it's just red and ear...itated.
The clot thickens.
Asteroids.
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
But it S’not
Two ply charmin for my nose bleed. Never felt richer.
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
She's going to bleed him dry!
All of a sudden, his friend pulls out a gun and shoots him. As the Australian is bleeding out on the ground, he rasps, “good aim, mate.”
A trio of explorers were hiking through the Congo and found a small village that was very isolated and not on any map. The villagers turned out to speak English very well, and informed the adventurers very politely that theirs was a village of cannibals and they were to be cooked and eaten, and their hides tanned and turned into canoes for the villagers, but they would allow them to take their own life however they saw fit.
The first man asks for a sharp knife, slices his wrists open, and mutters "Lay me down and bleed a while, and ne'er up again."
The second man asks for his revolver, says "For God and Country!" and shoots himself in the head.
The last man asks for a fork, and stabs himself repeatedly screaming "Fuck your canoe!"
...and stay on the bleeding edge of technology. But if you don't like my software, you can suture self.
A quaint little men's class,
a few with class,
some smelling of a gin glass,
some with eyes of a lass,
the remainder eyeing a lad,
but all glad,
and all present,
youngster of the present,
bearders of the crescent,
readers new testaments,
preachers of old testaments,
bearers of saffron tenets,
wearers of white tints,
weird lovers of croissant,
well, all here, will all hear?
we never know,
lets look at the show
The English teacher, said,
"how to drink a juice?"
i know, said bart the bartender,
"with vodka and chicken tender"
the weirded beardo now angry,
showed he was a shouter,
wanted to be a bart-ender,
while shushing the crowd,
use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,
"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,
"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,
"no sir" said the voice,
I'm extra maker,
spoke the voice quicker,
Mr.White scratching head,
"I'm an ex-straw maker",
the air cleared.
Proceeding further, Teacher continued,
the class was listening, eyes glued,
"etiquette is important" he said,
"wear napkin before eating",
their faces changed,
pulse now beating,
Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",
an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,
"if you bleed, education you don't need"
the English sir, now a sundered bloke,
calmed the masked fish market,
as his God's fate chisel hammered,
"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,
a brief silence, and too many whispers later
"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,
"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,
with damage now done, Silence resumed.
>ThePundits
One of them goes “ooh ooh ooh ah aha ah ah”, the other says “well put some bleeding cold in then!”
Internal bleeding.
Dad : What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye-deer. What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still-no-eye-deer. What do you call a deer that is bleeding, has no legs, and no eyes? Still no bloody eye-deer.
So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him.
I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says "We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help" I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, "I'll give you a signal to start crying." How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says "Ohmygoshohmygosh" over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says "Its even worse than it looks! You're going to have to take the whole hand!"
Then I start crying.
I woke up to my nose randomly bleeding; it's done that erratically for years now. As I went to grab some tissue, my girlfriend woke up and said "Oh, you've got a bloody nose!" to which I responded "Of course I do - there's no need to swear about it!" Groaning ensued.
After finding some time for a date night/sexy time in our busy schedules we went out to dinner at Qdoba because we're too cheap to afford much else right now. While eating my burrito I must have chomped down HARD on the aluminum foil and my lip started bleeding.
She looks at me and says "Irony: we plan a night to have sex and you cut your lip on a burrito."
I responded "Iron-y: the taste of my kisses tonight."
Last night at around midnight, I took my friend/roommate/exboyfriend to the ER when he came literally crawling to my room incoherent and sweating and shaking because of head pain.
When we got there I called his parents to let them know what was going on. They rushed over and met us in his room where the doctor was giving him some neurological tests. The ER doc decided it was most likely a migraine or cluster headache and gave my friend pain medicine and an IV, but wanted to do a CAT scan just to rule out any bleeding.
So they took him off to get the scan, and his parents and I sat around talking. His dad was practically falling asleep in his chair as I had woken them up with my call, but he still managed to drop this one when they wheeled my friend back into the room:
He gave the nurse pushing my friend's cart a worried look. "Don't sugar coat it, did you find any cats in there?"
I should preface this by saying this was on of the best dates I've ever been on, but the relationship also subsequently fell apart because of it.
Anyway, a few years ago, my girlfriend and I had been going out for a few months, and things were great. I met her through a mutual friend of mine at the hospital, weirdly enough. Our friend had gotten in a very bad accident and had to get a glass eye. He would always dab it with cotton to stop the bleeding at the beginning. Anyway, this is all relevant because my girlfriend (not girlfriend at the time) bonded over how disgusting our friends eye was. This got us to talking, and before you know it, we started going out. Things got pretty serious months and months down the line, and I was just laid off from my job. This meant that in general, we would go on cheaper dates. Nothing too drastic. Just like a movie and dinner instead of say the Opera and a fancy five star restaurant.
So, about a year and a half into the relationship, Joe, the mutual friend of ours, suggests a double date with us and his girlfriend. He knew the situation I was in and offered to pay for the whole thing. Great right? Well... no. I was actually planning on proposing to my girlfriend. Except Joe suggested the plans in front of my girlfriend too, so she accepted for both of us. I didn't want to propose to her on a double date, so I pulled her aside and told her to just skip the date and come over instead. Joe had bought us all tickets to a baseball game, and believe it or not, my girlfriend chose the baseball game instead of me. I stayed home alone as she went out with Joe and his girlfriend. Moral of the story is, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd been married a long time ago.
Me: Hey dad where you been? Dad: I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O. Me: eyes cringe and they start to bleed
He had just had another bleed in his left eye (it is full of blood) so I was chatting with him after the doctor's appointment. I mention that I just got back from the gym and he drops this : "That's funny b/c you look half as good as last time I saw you."
Wife: "Is my nose bleeding?"
Me: "No, it's snot."
