Big rip-off
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lazystudent99999
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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While I was ripping a big juicy fart on the plane I figured out my 4yr old son’s spirit animal...

Scapegoat

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simmsnation
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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I told my girlfriend that I had ripped my pants. I shouted from the other room, "Honey, come check out this big ass hole in my jeans!"

She was not pleased to see me grinning and pointing at myself.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habituallysuspect
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
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What is Sean Connery's favourite time to go to Wimbledon?

Tennish.

RIP big man.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kiwi_Woz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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My husband's dad game is getting much better.

Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.

On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.

Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.

Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.

"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."

"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"

Motherfucker.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmutGoddess
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
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At the Driving Range

My dad and I were at the driving range hitting golf balls. He steps up to take a big shot, strains himself a little too hard and simultaneously rips a fart as he hits the ball.

"Hit the shit outta that one!"

I still chuckle when I think about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/poppinwheelies
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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I was working the ticket drop at the movie theater last night...

Dad spends 35 dollars on tickets for him and his family to see Divergent.

As the group approaches the ticket drop, I hear the dad ask the mom what half of 35 is. She says "17 and half" and the dad gets this big shit eating grin. I rip their ticket stubs and the dad puts on a serious face and says "All right, I'd like $17.50 back please."

The whole family proceeds to groan and tell him to stop as I reluctantly play along and pretend to find some cash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gurame21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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