Bible Verse Puns

We need a new NASA Administrator. This was an inexcusable insult to the scientists and engineers who actually made it happen.

GO WEBB

Example: Numbers 15:36 And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses. (For picking up sticks on the sabbath)

I always say that the best way to become an atheist is reading the Bible. There are so many messed up and just horrible stories and there is no way to justify them.

What is your favorite messed up Bible story and where in the Bible exactly is?

One of my favorites is when David had to harvest a lot of foreskins for the king. Can you imagine this fella dragging a bloody bag filled up with foreskins that he personally had to chop off?

And then the king’s servant having to open the stinky bag and counting them one by one to make sure the number is correct?

1 Samuel 18:27 is gold lol

Edit: Wow! You, my fellow atheists are great. Thank you for commenting so many messed up Bible stories. This is so fun to read! I’ll try to answer as many of your comments as I can. Love for you all!

Turns out they installed a Catholic Converter

I was in a period of questioning that had begun when I was attending a Christian university. For some reason, I found myself reading Ecclesiastes for probably the millionth time in my life, and it had taken on a completely different meaning.

Ecclesiastes 8:17 ESV “then I saw all the work of God, that man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun. However much man may toil in seeking, he will not find it out. Even though a wise man claims to know, he cannot find it out.”

This was supposedly written by king Solomon, who, according to the Bible, was the wisest man to have ever lived. The nihilism alone was so validating to the existential depression I’d been feeling my entire life, but it was this line that made me really feel something:

“Even though a wise man claims to know, he cannot find it out.”

My dad was a pastor and is the smartest person I know. He claims to be right about everything, and I’d believed him for so long. But even according to his own scripture, he has no idea how or why life works the way it does.

The purpose of life, the ways of whatever power put us all here, and the truth of who or what that power is, is something none of us could know. The idea that, that power would punish us for not being able to figure it out perfectly is bullshit. Not a single pair of Christians believes exactly the same things about God and Jesus. None of us know. None of us could. What difference does it make if someone is a die-hard-evangelical or an atheist? Each of us is wrong.

According to Ecclesiastes, the only comprehensible purpose of living is to enjoy life as much as we can while living as ethically as we reasonably can. We “serve god” in that way.

I do still believe in a creative intelligence, but it’s no longer the Christian god. I just thought the fact that a book of the Bible led me to these conclusions might be an interesting share.

1. Isaiah 13:21 - Wild animals will rest there, the ruined houses will be full of hyenas. Ostriches will live there, wild goats will skip among the ruins.
2. Isaiah 13:22 - Hyenas will howl in the fortresses,and jackals, in the luxurious palaces. Babylon’s time is almost up;her days are almost over.
3. Jer 50:39 - Therefore the desert creatures along with hyenas will live there. They'll live in it with ostriches, but people won't live in it again. They won't inhabit it from generation to generation.
4. 4. Jer 12:9 - The people I call my own attack me like birds of prey or like hyenas. But other birds of prey are all around them. Let all the nations gather together like wild beasts. Let them come and destroy these people I call my own.
5. Isa 34:14 - The desert creatures will meet hyenas,and one wild goat will call to another.Indeed, the screech owl will stay there and will find a resting place for herself.
6. Jeremiah 5:6 - Therefore a lion from the forest will slay them, a wolf of the deserts will destroy them, a leopard is watching their cities. Everyone who goes out of them will be torn in pieces, Because their transgressions are many, Their apostasies are numerous.
7. John 10:12 - He who is a hired hand, and not a shepherd, who is not the owner of the sheep, sees the wolf coming, and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them.
8. Songs 4:8 - Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon. Descend from the crest of Amana, from the top of Senir, the summit of Hermon, from the lions’ dens
   and the mountain haunts of leopards.
9. 1 Samuel 17:34 - But David said to Saul, “Your servant was tending his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and took a lamb from the flock."
10. Proverbs 17:12 - Let a man meet a bear robbed of her cubs, Rather than a fool in his folly.
11. Numbers 23:22 - God bringeth them forth out of Egypt; He hath as it were the strength of the wild-ox (Aurochs).
12. Job 39:9 - Will the wild-ox be content to serve thee? Or will he abide by thy crib?
13. Job 39:10 - Canst thou bind the wild-ox with his band in the furrow? Or will he harrow the valleys after thee?
14. Isaiah 51:20 - Thy sons have been wrapped up, they have lain down, At the head of all out places, as a wild ox in a net, They are full of the fury of Jehovah, The rebuke of Thy God.
15. Amos 3:12 - Thus saith the LORD; As the shepherd taketh out of the mouth of the lion two legs, or a piece of an ear; so shall the children of

I recently received a phone call from a local church in my area that asked if they could read a bible verse to me. I politely said 'oh, no thank you!' I could tell from the tone in his response that he was kind of shocked at my answer. I was very polite and cordial during the entire call and wished him a good day before hanging up. My husband was with me at the time and we were both annoyed and we've been wondering where they got my number and the audacity. I've never had this happen and I don't like that they can get ahold of my personal cell phone number to proselytize like this. I wish there was someone I could complain to because it feels like they crossed a line and it made me feel icky somehow. It's definitely triggered me. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Is this becoming a common thing?

I saw Neville mention this in his lecture 'There is no fiction'. I just wished to give a modern interpretation of the verse that may make it easier for people to understand. If we live and die by this verse, we can change our lives in a heartbeat.

Mark 11 -

22 “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. 23 “Truly[f] I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” [26] [g]

My Interpretation of this verse -

“Have faith (Trust) in God (Your own Imagination),” Jesus answered.

“Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this Mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not (feel) Doubt in their heart (their feeling centre) but believes (feels as true) that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe (feel as true) that you have received it (already), and it will be yours.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive 'them' (if you hold attachment to negative states against your one desired state, then give away/let go of negative states that are held in your imagination which are opposing your one desired state, forgive yourself for holding on to 'them'), so that your Father (Your Imagination/Subconscious) in heaven may forgive you your sins *(*missing the mark of your one desired state. To miss the mark is to not hit the mark of feeling of the wish fulfilled)”

I recently bought a Thompson Chain bible and came across a story connection when browsing through the topic “mountain”. In Exodus 19:20, Moses climbs up Mt Sinai to receive the 10 Commandments from God, then in Mark 9:2, a wonderful inversion happens. It is Jesus who climbs up a mountain and encounters Moses.

In browsing through the topic “mountain” in my Bible, it became very clear that the mountain represents a meeting place between god and man.

What are some story connections you’ve found?

I’m talking about the people who routinely post stuff like this and then act like they’re a motivator or a strong-willed individual. You’re not. You want to have the IMAGE of a motivator or strong-willed individual instead of actually being one. You’re being annoying as hell and are not special at all. If you really believed the things you posted you wouldn’t have ever felt the need to post it online in the first place.

I like Exodus 21:20

“Anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result, but they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two, since the slave is their property."

can you name some bible verses that contradict scienece?

There was one story/verse from the Bible that ticked me off growing up, and that's John 4:43-50:

> 43 After two days, Jesus left for Galilee. 44 Now He Himself had testified that a prophet has no honor in his own hometown. 45 Yet when He arrived, the Galileans welcomed Him. They had seen all the great things He had done in Jerusalem at the feast, for they had gone there as well. > > 46 So once again He came to Cana in Galilee, where He had turned the water into wine. And there was a royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. 47 When he heard that Jesus had come from Judea to Galilee, he went and begged Him to come down and heal his son, who was about to die. > > 48 Jesus said to him, “Unless you people see signs and wonders, you will never believe.” > > 49 “Sir,” the official said, “come down before my child dies.” > > 50 “Go,” said Jesus. “Your son will live.”

Everyone in the church would nod along at the part where Jesus was shaming the people for wanting signs and miracles like it was a completely rational thing to say, and I would sit there confused.

First of all, Jesus comes off as a complete jackass. He's getting pissy with the guy and accusing him of wanting to see parlor tricks before he'll believe in him. Like, no, Jesus. He doesn't give a shit who you are. His freaking son is dying. That's why he's asking. Because his freaking son is dying, and he loves him. The fact that you're making this about you and whether people believe in you shows you haven't the slightest grasp of how emotionally devastated this man is right now. Do you not understand normal human emotions? Honestly, Jesus comes off like a complete sociopath here.

Second, the idea behind this verse, that every person in my church experience took at face value, is just so freaking insane. These people are bad because they want to see signs and wonders before believing in Jesus? Why? The essence of this verse is that you're a shitty person for wanting actual proof of your faith. Some wandering Judean hick strolls up and says he's the son of god, and you say, "Well, let's see some proof?" His response is to jump down your throat and talk about how shitty you are for wanting that?

It's infuriating how the Bible pretends to have proof in some verses, like Paul handwaving 500 witnesses whose names just escape him, and then turns around and shames people for wanting proof in other verses.

I'd sit there in church at the age of 8, just watching all the a