A priest was getting very annoyed with his young parishioners during dinner time and said if they continued misbehaving even the cutlery would be punished.

One boy said to another: "What? the fork in hell?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atheistmil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone found using incorrect punctuation should be punished...

...with a lengthy sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/richardec
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
You're being PUNished for that either way...
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xx_Heini_xX
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I think I'm gonna be PUNished for that....
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeryus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Though not a perfect solution, cryogenic storage could be an alternative to capital punishment.

It has it’s frozen cons.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MotoFuzzle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
If being out of shape was a crime, a productive punishment would be to run on a treadmill.

It would be a run-on sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DudleyDoesMath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
The jury found me guilty. I asked the judge what the punishment would be, and he said: "Well..."

Suspended sentence

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Being married to Jon Bernthal would be quite punishing.

He has a habit of being too Frank.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whattajosh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife hasn't spoken to me for 6 days.

What's even better, she thinks I'm being punished.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
in case you want to be PUNished...

When you have children, your role in your family will soon become apparent.

Spheres are extremely pointless.

I guess i should have written those down on paper, then they would be even more tearable.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/QwertyTheKeyboard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
🚨︎ report
My son asked me, β€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, β€œGo on, then.” He shouted, β€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, β€œThat’s Superman!”

He replied, β€œThanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"

πŸ‘︎ 742
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Peter Pan Puns

I came up with two today, be warned they are punishing.

Why are the Lost Boys so poor? It's because they can Never Land a job.

How did Peter Pan get so fat? He keeps eating out at Wendy's.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Justsomaguy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My son is driving my wife and I crazy.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.

I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

β€œI’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”

β€œHoney,” I said, β€œit’ll never work.”

β€œWhy not?!”

β€œBecause you can’t rush Art.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunselpower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
So, this is the end.

I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
the need for puns is dire...

I am requesting the shittiest, most terrible, most horrible dad level puns you can throw my way. Puns that would make others projectile vomit with their horribleness. Puns so aweful and sad, that it'd make me want to hug you and ask you....are you okay?

so send them my way. or there will be a severe....PUNishment...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nirvanaspirit666
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend got mad at me for making constant puns and then said she wouldn’t talk to me if I made another one

I said β€œI guess I’m being PUNished”

It’s been a week and she still won’t talk to me. Was it worth it? Yes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spezza_125
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My favorite puns are the ones that involve physical harm (ie Hertz Donut)

I guess you could say I like being punished

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jriggs97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I may have found the one...

So this girl I’ve been seeing for a while was at my place. She made a comment about how difficult a dogs life must be... I said β€œyea, it’s a rough life!” And proceeded to make three or four mor dog puns.

She walks to the Christmas tree, grabs a candy cane and throws it at me (all with a straight face).

Thinking she was mad, I asked what that was for.

She looks up, smiles, and says β€œIt was your punish-mint.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_JEThompson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2017
🚨︎ report
Someday, somehow this subreddit will be shut down and you what it will be for us ?

It will be our PUNishment

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Heimthror
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I didn't care for the Anglican church...

The people I met were quite obtuse, and their punishments for sins are too acute.

But they might be right.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrBELDING69
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A truly epic win

This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.

I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.

Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:

Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.

Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.

Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.

Me: Yeah I understand that

Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.

Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.

Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?

Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.

There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Request for puns

Hi guys, I have a friend who has recently has surgery on her back to remove some cysts. I'm going to give her a get well card and I want to put as many back/cyst/surgery/recovery/etc. related puns or general sayings as I can for a goofy card that will hopefully give her some chuckles.

E.g. "You're like a CYSTer to me", "Hope you get BACK to being well soon", "You've been through enough PUNishment". Etc.

Help me Reddit you're my only hope. :)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oneofakindof
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
🚨︎ report
There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Reasons Why I Didn't Like Dante's Inferno
  • It's too deep
  • It's the pits
  • The places made me go "What the Hell"
  • It took an eternity for anything to happen
  • I didn't get a lot of it , because the devil was in the details
  • The so-called "smart" people in Hell use too much circular reasoning
  • The main character is too down-to-earth
  • Lucifer is unlikable, even though he is a central character
  • It uses too much inflammatory language
  • A lot of the action is too sin-tilating for me

Ok, that last one was pretty bad. I should be punished. I'll go die in a fire now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShowingMyselfOut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Are dad joke stories ok?

Context: babysitter said my 5yo son drove him nuts today (while directing it to previously mentioned son). "To the point where I wanted to yell" "STOP" at him."

I turned to him and said,, "Collaborate and listen. We're all here in the name of love so please don't bug your uncle when he's trying to get something done. Or it's hammer time.

^^^(disclaimer. my bro understands and is not mad about him being curious nor would I punish him for being so, or, with a hammer)^^^

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ILiveOnNSQ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
🚨︎ report
A rather long dad joke

A few years ago, there was a series of murders that seemed completely independent from one another, aside from two similarities. Each of the victims had received an e-mail the day prior that was typed in all caps, and contained a joke, with the punchline being a play on words. The victims also all had felony convictions. In light of the second fact, many people felt that the murderers were doing a service to the public. Many others disagreed, however, and those against the murders all rallied under the same slogan: End Capital Punishment.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pretzelk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad has been working on his weight and health lately. Today he sent me the following text:

I can't seem to get my diet right - I must be a gluten for punishment.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pollyatomic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
🚨︎ report
While on the topic of gardening...

My dad and uncle are talking about gardening and my aunt chimes in about my uncle being terrible weeder. My uncle replies that it used to be a punishment when he was a kid, so he doesn't like to do it.

My dad replies, "When I was a kid, I was a good weeder. But I could never get through Gwapes of Wath,".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Hitler's Doughnut, Original joke

One day during the middle of World War II Hitler woke up craving a doughnut. He called for one of his soldiers to go retrieve him one. The soldier left before realizing Hitler never told him what kind of doughnut. Not wanting to go back and ask and be punished for taking too long the soldier got a jelly filled and went back. Upon seeing the doughnut, Hitler withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier square in the chest then called in his guards to clean up the body, and sent another soldier off to get a doughnut. Not wanting to be shot like his predecessor, the second soldier got a dozen in a variety and went back. Hitler looked over the box and again withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier. He called in a third soldier and sent him to complete the job the other two had failed. Soon enough, the third soldier had made it there and back. He timidly walked Into Hitlers room and presented him a single doughnut. Hitler looked at it and said "Finally, white powdered!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oriyagi
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad on our way to see the Sabres game

Dad: So who are we playing tonight?

Me: Washington Capitals

Dad: Oh...so if they whoop our asses it'll be capital punishment?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/musicguy2341
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.