My neighbor and I have been battling with epees lately, which has aided in our friendship...
You know what they say, good fences make good neighbors.
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︎ Apr 10 2020
My wife and I were battling against the mould in our closet... We failed...
I guess they were the champignons
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︎ Jun 05 2019
I've been battling a serious addiction to dressing like a nun for years. Today I'm happy to announce that I'm 28 days clean.
I've finally kicked the habit.
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︎ May 02 2017
what do you call it when apes battle?
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Why are French bakers so feared in battle?
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︎ Feb 05 2021
What do you call a serrated weapon that Polish people once used in battle?
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︎ Feb 01 2021
I started reading this great book about the relationship between military battles and green vegetables.
Itβs called War and Peas.
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
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︎ Dec 24 2020
The battle raged on for almost a yarrr
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︎ Aug 11 2020
Get in a pun battle with me, and Iβll have to put on my...
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︎ Oct 25 2020
Most people consider the Battle of Gettysburg the turning point of the American Civil War
For the Confederacy, it all went South from there
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︎ Dec 12 2020
With all the personal battles we had to go through last year
I guess we can finally say 2020 won :/
Happy new year people!!
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︎ Dec 31 2020
After a long and difficult battle with 2020, unfortunately...
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I heard that it was very foggy during the last battle of WWII
The Germans could nazi each other
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︎ Oct 24 2020
Nobody expected this Knight in the battle.
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︎ Aug 31 2020
What can a hip hop battle rapper use for protection against the harshest rhymes?
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︎ Sep 28 2020
Battle for superiority
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︎ Jul 25 2020
Did you hear the one about the clowns divorce?
Ended in a custardy battle.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
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︎ Jun 19 2019
What do you call a rap battle between two lizards? A reptile diss function
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︎ Jun 05 2020
I heard that sweetened milk and egg yolks are getting a divorce
Apparently they're mixed up in a custardy battle
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︎ Jan 30 2021
What would you call your knee if it engages in a rap battle? Disney
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︎ Apr 26 2020
In the battle of the mint - the spearmint attacked the soft mints - all they could yell was..
"Where are the reinforcemints"
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︎ Sep 23 2019
What do you call a cooking battle between a Spaniard and a Jamaican
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︎ Jun 18 2020
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
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︎ Jan 09 2021
TIL there was a cow caught in the crossfire of one of the WWII battles.
Itβs rarely mentioned by historians though because it was only considered cow-lateral damage.
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︎ Jul 02 2020
This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle
A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.
Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.
I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."
Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo
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︎ Apr 15 2020
Iβm trying to learn the alphabet but I canβt get past X
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︎ Apr 19 2020
My wife told me today that when I got her food order, that I need to remember to ask for cheese or they wouldnβt add it.
I told her if they forgot the cheese again, it wouldnβt end very Gouda for them!
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Many years ago there was a vicious viking named RΓΌdoff.
RΓΌdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "RΓΌdoff det rΓΈde", meaning "the red".
After years of wars, and regular battles, RΓΌdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.
One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but RΓΌdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars
"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast.
She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.
He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:
RΓΌdoff The Red knows rain, dear.
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I told me therapist, βLast night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.β
Therapist: Iβm glad that you are finally battling your Damons.
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︎ Sep 26 2020
5 hour pun battle with my dad over text
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︎ Sep 21 2018
Who was the Knight that was caught off guard in the battle field?
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︎ Apr 21 2020
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
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︎ Dec 14 2019
Check out the battle scar on my arm. Made from scratch.
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︎ Sep 13 2019
How does a squid go into battle?
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︎ Feb 09 2020
After a lengthy court battle with British Airways Luggage Handlers...
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︎ Nov 12 2019
Did you hear about the soldier who lost one foot in a battle, and fought on, only to lose his other foot as well?
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︎ Nov 29 2018
What did the German General say after the biggest battle in WW 1?
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︎ Feb 03 2020
A 7-year-old boy is sitting in court during his parents' custody battle.
He shows up wearing an Ottawa Senators jersey, so the judge asks "Are you a Sens fan?" The boy nods his head.
During the custody battle, he is later asked if he wants to live with his mom. His reply is "No, she beats me when drunk."
The judge asks in shock, "Okay, what about your father?"
The boy replies, "But he beats me every day when he comes home from a bad work day!"
With no other options, the jude states "We will have to send you to a foster home." The boy protests.
"Well, who do you want to live with?" the judge asks.
The boy thinks a moment and says ,"The Ottawa Senators. They're nice to people in need, and they don't beat anybody."
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︎ Dec 18 2019
I just got a voicemail from a guy named Johann Sebastian...
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︎ Jun 19 2020
In a battle of the numbers, evens were victorious
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︎ Aug 23 2019
What happens when you lose both your feet in a battleοΌ
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︎ Oct 24 2019
Did you hear about the female rapper that only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle?
They said she had a mean flow
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︎ Jun 03 2019
what do you call it when apes battle?
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︎ Feb 09 2021
How does an octopus go into battle?
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︎ Mar 03 2019
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