As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
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︎ Mar 13 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said โShe obviously has COVID!โ โWhy would you think that?โ I asked.
โBecause she has no taste.โ
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︎ Jan 13 2021
Boss: Tell me about suzanne Me: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Prepare to be swept away.
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︎ Mar 22 2021
What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?
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︎ Mar 25 2021
From a friend: Krispy Kreme is giving away free donuts if youโre vaccinated.
Why not a cough-fee instead?
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︎ Mar 25 2021
What do you call a row of rabbits walking away?
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︎ Mar 15 2021
I gave all my used batteries away today
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Iโm giving away a pair of gloves that donโt fit me anymore.
Can somebody come take them off my hands?
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︎ Mar 20 2021
I had to throw an entire box of animal crackers away.
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︎ Mar 24 2021
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use โWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internetโ and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) heโs been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouโs for the kind words and awards.
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︎ Feb 01 2021
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
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︎ Mar 14 2021
In Sweden, footraces sometimes start a short distance away from the countryโs eastern border.
The winner is the first person to cross the Finnish line.
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︎ Feb 11 2021
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
๐︎ 17k
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︎ Oct 15 2020
"I caught two men in balaclavas breaking into my house last night," said my friend. "But they got away sadly."
"How do you know they were sad if they were wearing balaclavas?" I asked.
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Sad news. The man who invented predictive text has passed away.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
Why did all the pokemon stay away from Ash?
Because he kept Pik-achooing.
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︎ Mar 29 2021
I was trying to give away a bunch of those little bugs that make honey.
But nobody wanted my freebies.
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︎ Mar 22 2021
I got one of those high desks for work and threw my chair away.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
The Doc is giving away treatments to remove boils at no cost
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Correct me if Iโm wrong, but due to the ongoing pandemic, would it be smart to stay at least 6ft away from the chips and dip when visiting a Mexican restaurant?
You know, Salsa Distancing.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Why did the baker throw away the bread someone gave him?
Because he didn't knead it!
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︎ Feb 19 2021
I keep forgetting that Tom Petty passed away and it makes me sad
He donโt come around here no more
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Rick Astley doesn't mind giving away his Disney movies collection...
But he's still never gonna give you Up. Especially remastered in 4k.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
My church gives away pointy flags to those who ask forgiveness from a priest...
You should go there if you seek pennants.
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︎ Mar 11 2021
My friend got a role as an extra in a film. His job was to approach the lead actor and comb her hair away from the middle of her head...
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︎ Feb 14 2021
What kind of geometry is the best at getting away?
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︎ Mar 03 2021
My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Mum: an apple a day keeps the doctor away
Son at shops the next day: Mum, can we get that box of apples?
Mum now pretty confused: why honey?
Son: I kinda kicked my football through the doctors window
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Today, in a cultural fair, I found someone was giving away free balloons to children
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︎ Feb 13 2021
Why did the art thiefโs van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
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︎ Jan 26 2021
did you hear that portobello moved away?
He couldn't stand his shroommates
But maybe it's for better. His new apartment is way shroomier
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︎ Feb 02 2021
What did the dog say when he threw his old chew toy away?
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︎ Feb 14 2021
A family vacation is when you go away with people....
....you need to get away from.
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︎ Feb 07 2021
Why did Bach throw away his harpsichord?
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︎ Jan 27 2021
Since the start of the pandemic, my friend the baker shut down his bakery and happily idles the day away...
He always liked loafing around.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
The creator of Mad Libs passed away
His friends described him as a round and pulpy man who loved his wife and penguins. He will be deeply pooped.
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︎ Dec 29 2020
1986, The Chernobyl reactor exploded, releasing a bright, radioactive beam into the sky. People in towns away stared at it in awe.
They must've thought that it was pretty rad
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I met my wife in Korea. I knew right away..
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Our neighbour's 6 year old son was sleeping in their house, I've seen it and called the Cops right away
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︎ Jan 29 2021
My day is full of conference calls, collaborations, and 1-on-1s. I wish they would all just go away...
...but then my life would be meetingless.
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︎ Jan 21 2021
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
๐︎ 11k
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︎ Jun 03 2020
I gave a flat battery away today.
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︎ Dec 17 2020
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