An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked βcan you see me ok?β
To which they answered βyesβ βouiβ βsiβ βjaβ.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Apr 09 2021
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! π
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
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︎ Mar 30 2021
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
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︎ May 22 2021
My 8 year old nephew attended his first wedding. But his cousin had a question for his after the ceremony.
"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"
"16!"
"How did you figure that out."
"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 29 2021
How do you attend a 50 cent concert
You pay 45 cents with a nickelback
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︎ May 03 2021
My wife was a captain in the Army Reserve. She told me she had a promotion and asked me to attend the ceremony. I donβt know much about the Army,
...but I understand this promotion was a major ordeal.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 05 2021
What do you call someone that visits a lot of bars?
π︎ 16
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︎ May 08 2021
I asked my friend how heβs finding work as an elevator attendant
He says it has it ups and downs.
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Why did the duck have to attend rehab?
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I asked the movie theater attendant for one admission.
He said he liked wearing his wifeβs shoes when she wasnβt home.
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︎ Sep 14 2020
Why couldnβt Mary and Joseph attend the online conference?
There was no zoom at the inn.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 23 2020
what did the depressed water park attendant think of at the top of a high rise building?
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 15 2020
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 25 2020
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
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︎ Oct 18 2020
Where do people attend support groups for arachnophobes?
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 15 2020
i once attended a black-tie affair in flip-flops
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 22 2020
I don't know why the beautiful attendant at Ikea reported me to the police.
All I asked was "How much for one night stand ?"
π︎ 42
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︎ Sep 07 2020
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.
If youβre hot blooded, theyβll check it and see.
π︎ 116
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︎ May 24 2020
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︎ Aug 09 2020
From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
π︎ 6k
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︎ Nov 15 2020
The attending neonatal pediatrician was always grumpy and irritated by our questions about our babies...
...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.
π︎ 9
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︎ Sep 05 2020
Friend: Ugh the concert I was attending this weekend got cancelled
Me: wow thatβs disconcerting
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 28 2020
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"
... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
π︎ 525
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︎ Nov 11 2019
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.
He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
π︎ 1k
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︎ Nov 15 2018
A conversation from today while attending a free santa picture event at my wife's workplace.
Lady- how old is your daughter?
Me - 5
Lady - when does she turn six?
Me - on her birthday
Lady (mad that she got dadded) when is her birthday?
Me - every year.
Wife and Lady both just sigh and walk away.
Sorry for format, I'm on mobile.
π︎ 35
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︎ Dec 15 2019
A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said "Plethora".
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
π︎ 135
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︎ Oct 21 2019
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...
...so I have to fill her slot instead.
π︎ 32
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︎ Mar 02 2020
I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers
It's called on and on anon
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 06 2020
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.
π︎ 27
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︎ Jun 07 2019
Why do some Christians insist on attending in-person church services during the quarantine?
Because they want to keep their spirits up.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 19 2020
I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs.
All the seats were already taken.
π︎ 675
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︎ Sep 13 2018
Why didnβt Queen Elizabeth take a shower before attending Prince Harryβs wedding?
Because she was already queen.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 13 2020
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says βregular pleaseβ and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks βfill?β my dad replies
βNo, Fred, nice to meet youβ
π︎ 35
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︎ Jul 30 2019
I realised I was dyslexic when I attended a toga party
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 05 2019
What did the casino's elevator attendant say after a cow left the elevator?
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 03 2020
The Flight Attendant kept making jokes...
But none of them seem to have landed.
π︎ 15
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︎ Sep 21 2018
A typical "school" joke in my country, when a teacher was checking the attendance in the class:
"Who's not here, please raise your hand."
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 25 2019
Why did the vampire attend the Kentucky Derby?
He heard the race was going to be neck and neck.
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 16 2019
I use to attend an Origami club.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 16 2019
I attended a comedy night at a haunted mansion
All the ghosts booed at me.
π︎ 17
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︎ Mar 25 2019
Last weekend I attended a benefit for females born with no legs
The place was crawling with women.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 20 2019
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said ''see you later, son I said indignantly, ''don't call me 'son' you're not my dad!''
To which the lift attendant replied:
"Maybe not, but I brought you up
didn't l?"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
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