An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked β€œcan you see me ok?”

To which they answered β€œyes” β€œoui” β€œsi” β€œja”.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! πŸ‘Œ

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lady_emily_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"

"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."

πŸ‘︎ 692
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsradford
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.

I'm gonna take a rain-check.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My 8 year old nephew attended his first wedding. But his cousin had a question for his after the ceremony.

"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"

"16!"

"How did you figure that out."

"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you attend a 50 cent concert

You pay 45 cents with a nickelback

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thememer1924
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife was a captain in the Army Reserve. She told me she had a promotion and asked me to attend the ceremony. I don’t know much about the Army,

...but I understand this promotion was a major ordeal.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone that visits a lot of bars?

A bar attender

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSilverFudge
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my friend how he’s finding work as an elevator attendant

He says it has it ups and downs.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the duck have to attend rehab?

He was a quack head

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked the movie theater attendant for one admission.

He said he liked wearing his wife’s shoes when she wasn’t home.

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph attend the online conference?

There was no zoom at the inn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathanlloyd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
what did the depressed water park attendant think of at the top of a high rise building?

I wanna commit suislide

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GLIZZYGOD999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?

Put me in coach.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KinkyWaluigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."

The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearless-Gas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do people attend support groups for arachnophobes?

On the web

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kippergills
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
i once attended a black-tie affair in flip-flops

it was quite the sandal.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't know why the beautiful attendant at Ikea reported me to the police.

All I asked was "How much for one night stand ?"

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The NHL just thanked the fans in attendance streamable.com/p2wwrd
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Denster1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuskiWafl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The attending neonatal pediatrician was always grumpy and irritated by our questions about our babies...

...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Friend: Ugh the concert I was attending this weekend got cancelled

Me: wow that’s disconcerting

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshPlaysUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"

... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

πŸ‘︎ 525
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.

He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A conversation from today while attending a free santa picture event at my wife's workplace.

Lady- how old is your daughter?

Me - 5

Lady - when does she turn six?

Me - on her birthday

Lady (mad that she got dadded) when is her birthday?

Me - every year.

Wife and Lady both just sigh and walk away.

Sorry for format, I'm on mobile.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/enis_with_a_p
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said "Plethora".

She responded "Thanks that means a lot".

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcksn_m
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...

...so I have to fill her slot instead.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_kefir
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers

It's called on and on anon

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation".

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZakTheRedditor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do some Christians insist on attending in-person church services during the quarantine?

Because they want to keep their spirits up.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jay-ay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs.

All the seats were already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 675
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t Queen Elizabeth take a shower before attending Prince Harry’s wedding?

Because she was already queen.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSocialGadfly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says β€œregular please” and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks β€œfill?” my dad replies

β€œNo, Fred, nice to meet you”

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDreidel82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I realised I was dyslexic when I attended a toga party

dressed as a goat

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the casino's elevator attendant say after a cow left the elevator?

The steaks are high.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kitten_Factory
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The Flight Attendant kept making jokes...

But none of them seem to have landed.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OptimisticAlone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A typical "school" joke in my country, when a teacher was checking the attendance in the class:

"Who's not here, please raise your hand."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the vampire attend the Kentucky Derby?

He heard the race was going to be neck and neck.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemystery
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I use to attend an Origami club.

But it folded.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/some_lerker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I attended a comedy night at a haunted mansion

All the ghosts booed at me.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zance21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Last weekend I attended a benefit for females born with no legs

The place was crawling with women.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grouchyjarhead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said ''see you later, son I said indignantly, ''don't call me 'son' you're not my dad!''

To which the lift attendant replied: "Maybe not, but I brought you up didn't l?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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