We come in pieces.
Context: Our school was having a presentation at assembly from Together for Humanity - "a multi-faith not-for-profit organisation that is helping schools, organisations and communities to respond effectively to differences of culture and belief". The presenters were an orthodox Jew, a Muslim, a Christian and an atheist.
When they asked for questions at the end, my new hero asked "Have you ever gone to a bar together?"
I guess you could say it made transportation more afFORDable :)
"Sorry boss... I just can't keep up! You told me to give each Elmo two test tickles!"
It was riveting.
Now we're rolling
They're full of li 's
Fleur Fudge's Snape, how many times must I say that I Love-good Harry Potter Puns. I could Mun-go on and on. I don't wand you to feel bad tho.
Shoe-per friends, untie!
I screwed it up !
They come from kits!
He got me THRICE. With practically the same. damn. pun.
Me: "10... 11... I can't find the last screw."
Dad: "Well, then we're screwed."
(15 minutes later)
Me: "Right, I'll do the screwing."
Dad: "I think that would count as incest."
(20 minutes later)
Me: "This screw isn't in properly."
Dad: "You have a screw loose."
...and he says, "Another day, another doll hair."
I said "no, I've already got two"
They’re always assembling
My dad shipped up a bike to my dorm and I got everything put together except the handle bar (there was a missing piece) and I texted him to tell him the situation. Here's how the conversation went.
Me: I think I got most of it... but I feel like I'm missing something cause I can't attach the handlebar.
Dad: Sounds like you just need to get a handle over the situation
Me: Oh dear... -.-
Dad: Haha I'm just... yanking your chain.
Some family friends of ours needed our help mass producing some ginger bread houses for an event they do every year. They make an insane amount of pieces, so they need help cutting out the doors, windows, and over all assembly. The family friend, my dad, and myself were all cutting out windows and doors when this happened:
Me: Aw man, one of these pieces just broke.
Family Friend: It's alright, we have extra. But every time I see one fall apart I see 30 minutes of my life go away.
Dad: Well I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Me: loses it
It was a double bed so it took up quite a part of the room.
Brother: There isn't much left of the room. (bed occupied a lot of space)
Dad: It's clearly turning into a BEDroom!
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
Assembly Required.
Me: (assembling boxes) i'll watch out for that plant.
Boss: yes please do, i've had that fern since it was just a sprout.
Me: awww. they grow up so fast.
Boss: yes. it'll probably start going to college soon.
Me: think it'll go to an... ivy league?
Boss: ...
Me: ...
Boss: ...
Me: ...so yeah I'll just pack these boxes and watch out for the plant.
The Avengers: Some Assembly Required
In other news today a Nissan plant had an explosion in one of the assembly areas.One bystander was heard to say "Oh look, It's raining Datsun cogs."
I recently purchased a new bed and had the joy of trying to find all the necessary accessories for a California King bed. After spending a full Sunday with my girlfriend bouncing around different home stores, we finally have all the sheets, duvet covers and bed skirts we need. We've assembled our new frame and I start putting the bedding on our mattress. I'm struggling with getting everything put on and call out, "uh oh, I think we got some phony pillow cases."
Fear and anxiety paint her face as she rushes over and asks "what's wrong?!"
I quip back at her, "yeah, this thing is a sham!"
Dad: What did you do at school today? Me: I went to a dating violence assembly. Dad: Why would you ever want to date violence. Me: groan
For the next month, every dad in my town went through my line saying "Huh, I didn't know you had a drive thru." One right after the other, it was like a dad assembly line from hell.
In this society, companies and businesses are not legally allowed to give themselves a name. Instead, companies are ID's alphanumerically. The first businesses were Corporation A, Company B, Business C, ... Organization Z, Company A1, etc.
The world's current largest corporation is Company B. They're particularly known for their robotics manufacturing. One day, Company B had just finished the design for two new robots. One that would automatically play blues songs on a record player at the press of a button. (What we know today as a jukebox) The other was a companion robot for lonely people, modeled after a beagle.
Unfortunately, when the final version of these robots were being manufactured for a worldwide release, there was an error in the automated assembly line. This error caused the two robots to be built simultaneously, creating a single robot.
The resulting product came to be known as the Boogie Woogie Beagle Bot of Company B.
http://imgur.com/NaFwtfj
Purchased a new shelf. Found this in the assembly instructions.
Yesterday started a new motocross season for my nephew, so for his inaugural race a bunch of family went to watch him. I'm an amateur/hobbyist photographer so I brought my telephoto zoom lens out and my Canon body to get a few shots of him on the track. The assembled camera is about 18 inches in length. After putting it together:
Mom (first seeing it): Holy crap! That thing looks like a damn cannon!
Me: (pointing to the label) You sure know your cameras, it is a Canon!
Typical dad joke responses ensued.
It's been a while since my first post, but its hard to remember all the dad jokes that fly around our assembly line after working all night. Anyway, on to the joke:
The 3 usual dads on my line (Paul, Kevin, and myself) were talking when were approached by John carrying a step ladder. "This is my step ladder. I never new my real ladder." Then walked away as we all howled with laughter.
Hopefully post can be more frequent. I have considered writing this stuff down.
I run a summer day camp for about 130 campers each day. This morning I woke up to a thunderstorm, and as a camp director, that meant all schedules and activities are out the window and something different had to be done.
I greeted all the campers at the morning assembly and said, "Looks like the rain has put a "damp"---er on things!"
It was met with resounding groans from the staff and older kids and a great giggle from the younger campers.
I was soooo proud!
...and she said that it was soon, probably shortly after he assembles his cabinet.
Mr Prime Minister, my wife and I just shop at Ikea, and we can knock out something like that in an hour or two, assuming we have the right tools. I live near you, so let me know if you need any help, but you might want to get started on it; the country's waiting.
Antijoke: "when is a door not a door?" "When it's a pile of planks, waiting to be assembled"
My dad: "when is a door not a door?" "When it's ajar"
Car is up on a jack stand in friend's backyard and sits down to remove some bolts from the front driver side brake assembly. I happened to notice some dog poop on the ground next to him
Me: Hey bro watch out!
Friend: What? What?!
Me: Theres poop right there and your about to sit down on it. C'mon bro, you do not want people to think you're about to do a shitty job.
My brother, my stepdad and I were working on a mower that we picked up from someone. The mandrel assembly was broken, but we didn't know that until we looked under the mower deck.
<After picking up the mower deck> Stepdad: Ohh! I see what's going on! Brother: Stepdad saw something revolutionary!
Groans were had all around
Dad: what did you do at school today?
Me: we had an assembly.
Dad: what did you assemble?
My 4 year old son got a new bike for his birthday. The bike was newly assembled, but the seat was a bit loose. After a short ride up the driveway and back, my son gets of the bike, bends over and looks under the seat.
Knowing what he's looking for, I say "is your seat a bit loose?"
He looks up at me and, with a perfectly straight face, says "I know exactly what the problem is, Dad. My sitter needs screwed."
It was the end of class. Before dismissing us, he informs us that we won't be having class the next day and will instead be going to the gymnasium for an assembly. When the bell rang, as everyone was leaving class, I went to his desk and asked what the assembly was supposed to be about. His Response:
"I'm just a mushroom." ...awkward pause, stare... "I live in the dark and people drop crap on me."
I wasn't really sure how to react to that. With a confused look on my face, I just turned around and walked out the door. I'm still not sure if that was a dad joke or the musings of a bitter old man. Maybe both. I don't know, it just seems like it belongs here, if only for the sheer awkwardness of it.
He was assembling a new exercise bike my mum bought, and he looked like he was struggling so I asked how he was doing.
He said, "it's getting there..."
"I think you're doing it wrong then, it shouldn't be going anywhere," I replied.
He called my joke "very good".
His prescription for me is to assemble two IKEA wardrobes.
