Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming “Mickey Mouse”!
When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked “Why did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said “I was trying to say Donald Duck!”
Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.
A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.
However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.
What's the opposite of an assassin?
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
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Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
Having sex with a deaf person is like assassinating someone
They won't hear you cumming
What do you say to a French assassin?
what do we say about the assassin ?
I was playing Assassins Creed when suddenly…
I don't know how much money an assassin makes...
but I bet they make a killing!
What do you call an assassin that only kills anime lovers?
What did the secret service yell when Disney sent assassins after our president?
What is the name of the assassin that only kills candles?
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
They refused to hire the boat assassin to be the face of the company
They had a feeling he'd be a sails killer
What did the assassin do when he was hungry?
Arthur the Assassin indicted for a cheap triple murder at local grocery store.
Headline: "Artie chokes three for a dollar at the A&P."
As an assassin, sometimes you have to take different jobs.
I made a killing in the market.
An assassin was recently hired to kill a cow in a rice field with two porcelain figures
Police say it's the first reported case of nick-nack paddy wack.
I'm going to create my own assassin agency
Our slogan: We aim to please.
What do you call an assassin that kills in summer?
The thing about being a good assassin....
It's all in the execution!
If Kim Jong Un were assassinated, what would you call his gunshot wound?
My girlfriend said my over-ambitious assassin jokes were getting in the way of our relationship
and I just said..."don't worry, I'll take them all out"
I'm an assassin, but I consider myself a storyteller.
I specialize in surprise endings.
I love politically incorrect jokes. Here’s my favorite.
Benjamin Franklin was a great President.
I told my girlfriend that her skin was really smooth and asked her if she had made Assassin's Creed.
Confused shrug in response
"Because Ubisoft"
Dad: Son, I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.
It was my sixth grade American history class.
What do you call an assassin from the Baroque period?
How do you weigh an assassin?
Maybe he is in the mood for a shot?
Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:
“A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for vodka, decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for vodka.”
The president was assassinated at a restaurant.
Did you hear about the chicken assassin guild?
Not much is known, it's all cluck and dagger.
What has 2 butts and kills people?
An assassin
Thank you! I’ll be here all night
What has 2 butts and kills people ?
What has two butts and kills people?
What has two butts and kills people?
What’s got two butts and kills people?
What has two butts and kills people?
What’s got two butts and kills people?
What do you call someone with two butts and kills people?
What has two butts and kills?
What has 2 butts and kills people?
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