My cousin is an aspiring plumber. He asked me how to be successful.

"Hard work and defecation."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simounstar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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What’s the Highest Level of Competition That a Semi Professional Sauerkraut Pickler Aspires To?

The Briner Leagues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/du_bekar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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As an aspiring writer, I always make sure to proofread carefully

Otherwise, I might accidentally some words out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ewormPL
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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An aspiring thief entered a play

He stole the spotlight

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adhammoussa_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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An aspiring beekeeper went to a farmer’s market to pick up a small hive. They placed an order for a dozen bees. When picking up the bees, the seller handed them a case of thirteen bees. Noticing the extra bee, the keeper pointed it out to the seller.

The seller said, β€œOh, that last one is a freebee!”

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gothwhopper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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My first Dad joke after becoming a father

Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world!

Him: crying

Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.

πŸ‘︎ 463
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FridayLightsFTW
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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My daughter's tired of the jokes... After hours of dad jokes she asked me to leave her a loan.

Years later and the loan is worth $23,000

She said she'd trade it for more dad jokes any day<3

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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When it comes to metaphors about knowledge, no ledge is too high to aspire to
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisguysucks2much
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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I had aspirations of being a doctor when I grew up. My dad said he would never let me operate on him.

Fine, I said, suture self.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnybravoh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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Warren Buffet (self-made billionaire) holds an annual conference for aspiring entrepreneurs.

When they go to lunch during the conference, they eat from the β€œBuffett Buffet.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/realmattmoseley
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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What’s the best college for aspiring botanists?

University of Flora-da

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LightningLemur
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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An aspiring thief enters the theatre...

...and steals the spotlight.

πŸ‘︎ 468
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomholder
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2017
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What do you call a pig with high aspirations in life?

Hambitious

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rasputiddies
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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My dentist is very supportive of my aspirations of becoming a dancer.

He recommends I floss every day.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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My Favorite Aspirational Quote Is...

"Just breathe."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dereklipkin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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My son the aspiring dad

My boyfriend wanted a protein shake and was asked me to make one. I was stalling a little bit and my son piped in "You gotta scare her first" we said what? "That's how you make a shake". I was laughing and so my son decided to keep going. He said "How do you make a napkin dance?" "You put a lil boogie in it" at that point I groaned. My boyfriend said "Quit while you are ahead" my son replied "But I'm a body"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mechchic84
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2015
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What do you call a PR stand at a fair being operated by classy and respectful aspiring dentists?

A couth youth tooth booth.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cashmag3001
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2017
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In Rogue One, When Vader tells Krennic "Don't choke on your aspirations"

It's actually a double pun and enters the realm of dad quality

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryguy894
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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James May everyone., Someone we must all aspire to be. (X-post /r/videos)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL-m5Nocb-g

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCaptainOats
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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What do you call a chicken that aspires to become food?

A consommΓ© professional.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeego123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2015
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What do you call a fly without wings?

A Walk. πŸ‘Œ

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OverHappyGoga
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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My brother is an aspiring filmmaker...

Him: β€œI shot three movies today.”

Dad: β€œOh really? Did any of them come out alive?”

Him: β€œWhat?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpicOaky
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

Tonight is our third date, he's a cool guy. He's an aspiring web designer.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalyconBolt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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I'm an aspiring ice dancer but I'm struggling with my new routine.

I just can't figure eight out!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/islandonisland
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2013
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My grandpa's aspirations

I asked my grandpa what he wanted to be when he was younger. He told me he wanted to be an astronaut. He told me that he went to school and took up space.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePortableBanana
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2013
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Boyfriend is already aspiring to be a dad.

Me: I'm going to go file my nails.

Him: Oh okay, what are you going to file them under?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/floreses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2014
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The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

β€˜Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zmanofdoom95
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went out for drinks. Really nice guy. Has aspirations of web design.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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I found a cold and angry dog on my way home from work...

I asked if it wanted anything to eat. It said, Brr grr

Credit: my 8th grade English teacher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_carney22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Help with puns including bartending, coctails and alcohol in general!

Hey guys: Like the tittle says I'm looking for puns that involve bartending etc. The shorter the better. I'm an aspiring bartender myself and the only stuff I could think was something to the effect of "Raising the bar" but nothing concrete sofar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KennyTheDownsTigr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
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Hiking with my dad today

We come across a small shack with restrooms and my dad drops this gem: β€œWell it isn’t the prettiest thing I’ve seen all day, but it’s a solid number 2”

I can only aspire to be as good as him one day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Olympians12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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[request] Punny name for a lime tree

Hi all,

so my boyfriend purchades a lime tree and wants to name it. As an aspiring dad and a pun artist his only demand for the name is for it to be punny.

Can you punny people come up with a funny name for alime tree?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluediarrhea
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad asked me for a glass of milk.

Being a good son, I quickly obliged him and returned from the kitchen with tall, cold glass. Aspiring to reach his level of dad joke mastery, when he thanked me, I replied,

"Nothing but the dairy best for you, dad."

Without missing a beat he looked me dead in the eye and replied,

"Don't do dairy puns. They're cheesy."

God damn it.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mak484
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
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I turned an English paper into one giant pun.

A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless

The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference. On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chewy_64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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If I had a nickel for every time this happened, I wouldn't be me anymore.

Just dad joked my gf hard.

Gf: Do you have five cents?

Aspiring dad: No. I'm Nickle-less.

PS: My name is Nicholas

The poor girl lost her lungs and eyes in the subsequent sigh and eye roll.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizenedwallaby
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2016
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My Dad after watching the Hobbit with me

(No spoilers) For those who haven't seen it, In the new Hobbit movie there is a scene where Tauriel, the female elf helps revive one of the dwarves using some ancient elven magic. Cue my dad leaning over with a glint in his eye, and whispering "I've always been a big fan of the National Elf Service!". He's a doctor and finds these sorts of things hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/q2j1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
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Crazy people.

I was talking with my mother about a crazy woman she worked for while she was an undergrad, and we got on the subject of how a lot of people in the academic world have strange personalities. She said something about how academia is different than other parts of life when I paused for a second and said "Well, mom, there are a lot of nuts in macadamia."

^(I know it doesn't make sense if you think about it, just turn off your brains for a minute please.)

Not a dad yet, but I aspire to walk among the best.

^^^EDIT: ^^^Formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skylarity
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2014
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I had a workplace win with an excellent pun, and I'm still smiling about it.

[Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to share this with you]

Ok, so technically this was before I knew I was a dad at the time, and it happened a long time ago, so I'm paraphrasing it a bit (have to leave out some details. It's work related lol), but I'm really proud of it.

I was having this workplace dispute with this really snively guy who was being a bit of a prick about some work assignment he was really proud of. Long story short, he was worried about someone else taking credit for something and wanted me to talk to our boss about it for him (What does he think I am lol). Anyway, as I'm walking away I hear him coughing. So I turn around, and with this great big smile on my face, I'm like:

"Don't choke on your aspirations, mate."

Anyway, I thought it was a great line. I was smiling all the way back to my office. I don't know why it came to my mind at that moment, but it wasn't long before I'd meet my kids for the first time in years, and it was really great to reconnect with them.

Anyway, my kids are pretty popular (my son's a school teacher, so I don't want to embarrass him in front of the kids), and my daughter would be mortified to hear a dadjoke this terrible great so I'd appreciate if you didn't mention any details about me in the comments (might spoil their evening lol) it was just a nice little moment.

Anyway, just wanted to share the moment with you guys.

D. [To the mods, I know this is a kind of just a pun, but I thought it was worth posting here. I hope you guys understand.]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CloakedCorgi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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Wedding Dad Jokes, buckle-up

So I'm not a dad but I do have fatherly aspirations. I told this joke at a wedding for a friend of mine. All names have changed except the bride's last name- it's a big part of the joke. My buddy we'll call Bob Smith, and his bride is Jane Patton.

After the father of the bride gives his toast, and the best man does his, I grab the mike from the best man and begin. This is as verbatim as I can remember. So I intro myself and promise to keep my comment short and say,

"Bob, I just want to say you're a great friend of mine, like a brother, and one thing I love about you is you're always surprising me. Like today for instance, I didn't know you were an inventor. Lo and behold, you've got your name on a Patton!"

Chuckles, drowned out by groans. I apologize and return to my seat.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daniffer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
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A customer in the restaurant I work at got me twice.

I work at Chiquitos in the UK, I was seating a gentleman and his daughter and pointed toward a booth which was set to my right and asked

"Is that one all right for you?"

To which he replied "Its on my left actually."

Later, when I was taking the payment I made small talk and said

"So, are you up to anything good today?"

He said "No, might do something bad though."

Told him that I could only aspire to his level of dad-joke, he said it might take some years of practice. I can only hope.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManderlyPieShop
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2014
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Aspiring thief enters theater

Steals spotlight

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AloXii_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
An aspiring thief enters the theatre...

and steals the spotlight.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dacs1306
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
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Aspiring thief enters theatre..

He stole the spotlight

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joe_Ferro_890823
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
🚨︎ report

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