Two inventors died and ascended to heaven. There, they met each other and with their brilliant minds created a brand new form of fire making utensil.

It was a match made in heaven.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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After ascending to Heaven, what did Jesus say to God when he sat down?

I’m so beside myself.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dakotalogy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
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What was it called when all the good dinosaurs ascended to Heaven before the meteor struck?

The veloci-rapture

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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How do you make Holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steveo817
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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My little sister was telling me about the reading she had in school today

Her: β€œYeah we read Alice in Wonderworld today!”

Me: β€œOh yeah that’s the one down in Florida, right?”

I can’t wait to have my own kids and fully ascend.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phransisco
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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My son saw some sneakers hanging from the phone lines in the street...

... he asked me "Hey dad, how did those shoes get up there?". I sombrely explained to my son that sometimes, when shoes die and they ascend to heaven, the laces get caught up and they get stuck like that.

My Son: "Dad! Shoe's don't go to heaven!", Me: "Of course they do! They've got soles don't they!?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bisscuitt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Good pilots don't die.

They ascend to a higher plane.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontthrowmeinabox
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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A colon got a promotion at work.

They call him the ascending colon.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarateChop231
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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Driving instructor pulled one on me.

I was going for driving lesson after a 2 month break, and after fumbling around and finally successfully getting the car started, my driving instructor said this to me:
DI: "Have you been filming a show recently?"
Me: "No, why do you say that?"
DI: "You look a lot like a character in this show on TV."
Me(kinda flattered): "What show is that?"
DI (Deadpanned): "Oh you know, Lost."
Me: "......."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Serav1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
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