ApΓ©ritif

French for "a set of dentures."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beej2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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My 3 yr old daughter made her first pun today and I almost cried. She was eating an apple and I asked her if she liked apples.

She said apple-lutely

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?

Indian places are naan profit, Vietnamese places are pho profit.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WVU_Benjisaur
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
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My son accidentally handed me a dad joke on a platter and it was glorious.

This happened a few years ago when my son was 6ish. When my kids hurt themselves and it doesn’t look serious I always do the β€œwe might have to amputate that bruised hand” shtick with them. I’ve done it enough that they now roll their eyes.

So, my son got hit lightly in the face with a rubber ball. It wasn’t a hard hit and I could tell he was more upset by the shock of it rather than the pain. So I say β€œlooks like we will have to amputate your nose.” To which he replies β€œthen how will I smell?” And I say β€œterrible!”

It was my greatest dad joke ever. I felt like I could retire after that.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/perryt2007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
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Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"

That was the punchline

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.

Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"

I did not know.

So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"

So proud.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
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At what point does it stop being grave robbing and start being archaeology?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unholy_Jer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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So my dad just died because he needed blood and we didn’t know his blood type.

He was so brave and even tried to encourage us, the family around him, with his last breaths. He kept whispering to us to Be Positive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BritishTeeth11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2021
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Mac and cheese
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cosmodizzy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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Air and space museum
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/romroming
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, β€œI’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”

He said, β€œChange the batteries in your hearing aid”.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BritishTeeth11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2021
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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RodimusMajor84
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
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A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No-Priority5118
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos

She just really needed a shoulder to crayon

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trevor557
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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What you call a person with no Body and Nose ?

Nobody nose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supreme__shrek
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
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My wife and I were really happy for 20 years ...

Then we met

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corefear
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
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My 15 month old daughter has been saying "momma" and "dadda" a lot now, and I tried using this to my advantage...

Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.

The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).

My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"

My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!

Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...

Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
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The one and only acceptable way of advertising
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supdawggg00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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Scientist have actually discovered a feline-like life-form on Mars! But unfortunately, one of their rovers ran over it, and

Curiosity killed the cat :(

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancient_Presence
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
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What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sg425
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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Whats the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The direction the first letter faces

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samusftw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
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If I have 6 oranges in one hand and 7 oranges in the other hand, what do I have?

Really big hands

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MartianHunter420
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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my wife does 'sip and paint,' so I started 'bros, beers, and books'

our signature cocktail is "tequila mockingbird"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
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(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?

Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..

Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lewzerman
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?

Black eyed peas can sing us a song and chickpeas can only hummus one.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
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The CEOs of Miller, Bud, and Guinness walk into a bar

The bartender asks what they'd like.

The executive of Miller orders a Miller Lite, so the bartender gives it to him. The executive of Bud orders a Bud Light, and he's given one. The bartender looks at the CEO of Guinness, and he asks for a Coke. The bartender, bewildered, hands him the Coke and asks why he didn't order a Guinness. In reply, he said,

"I figured if those two weren't drinking beer, then neither would I!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2021
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Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...

But Bill kept the Windows

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScubaPride
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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People who don’t know the difference between entomology and etymology…

Bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pllarsen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2021
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Wife was at the doctor’s office yesterday and texted me that she’s tired of waiting.

I told her to…be patient.

I’m a new dad of a five-month old baby and I was quite proud of this moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingInTheNorth57
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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I went into the pharmacy and asked the assistant, "What is the best thing for killing germs?"

"Ammonia cleaner." She replied. I said, "Sorry, I thought you worked here."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BellaLugosisChips
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2021
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Ughh..shut up and bill my purchase...
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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A man goes to a library and asks for books on paranoia

The librarian whispers "They're right behind you."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hawkeye45_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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They have their pros and cons
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gracosef
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of you will understand that

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub, and it’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caleb-the-God
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2021
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Why is Dark spelled with a β€˜K’ and not a β€˜C’?

Because you can’t β€˜C’ in the dark

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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Pulled a Dad Joke on a Nurse

I am currently in the hospital. I had a back operation yesterday. The surgical nurse came in my room and started asking questions about my back. She asked me if I had any falls during the last year. I responded just one. It was after summer.

She laughed and said in 20 years of doing this she never was told that joke.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rei_920
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is floating in the ocean?

Bob

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaNullman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikolai_G
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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There were 30 cows and 28 chicken. How many didn't?
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rozen007
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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What’s blue and not heavy?

Light blue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Billycanchange123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
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Me: Huh, I'm wearing away my A Key. Husband: So...that means you're not in pain any more? Me: Take my upvote and leave!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JenivereDomino
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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What do you call a man with no vacuum cleaner and itchy underwear ?

Novak Djokovic

(This is my fiancé’s favourite joke he wanted me to share with all of you because he thinks it will make me β€˜Reddit famous’) πŸ˜‚πŸ˜…

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Em1ly121
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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ApΓ©ritif

French for a set of dentures

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_Parzival_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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What’s the difference between a sharply dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atomicskiracer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2021
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Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same

Because 10+10 is 20 and 11+11 is 20 too

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/torrenter_11
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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