I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
so I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
I went to an Indian restaurant last night for some garlic bread.
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked “can you see me ok?”
To which they answered “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.
Started an OnlyFans account. Pretty excited for my early retirement
What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant … dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, DEAD ANNNNT!
Just heard a man had an accident while playing peek a boo..
He's currently in the ICU.
Me: the earth isn’t flat. Fiat Earther: correct. Me: huh? Fiat Earther: it’s the shape an italian car. Me: what?
Fiat Earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
An electrician came home very late when night and his wife said
"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
There's no party like an autopsy party
To all the members of this subreddit, an open letter:
I've placed simultaneous orders for a rotisserie chicken on Uber Eats, and for an egg omelette on DoorDash
Looks like we're about to find out, once and for all, what comes first!
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
What is a beehive that doesn't have an exit?
What's an Amish's favorite kind of raisin?
Gimme some sweet karma for an account I'll never use again
Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...
He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."
The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."
What do you call an old snowman?
Water
(Courtesy of my 13 year old daughter)
A woman walks into a bar. “I’ll have an entendre,” she says to the bartender. “Make it a double.”
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?
Exactly. Because they're damn good at it!
When I was young I decided to become an archeologist.
Now my career is in ruins.
what do you call an american bee?
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot
It's an Archie Bunker! I built a replica of the All in the Family house INSIDE a giant basement in the Sims 4.
reddit.com/gallery/mv4w82
I was putting a fork in an electric outlet.
What happened next, shocked me!
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
What do you call an Italian hooker?
What do you call an Italian genie?
MY PARENTS RAISED ME AS AN ONLY CHILD
THIS REALLY ANNOYED MY YOUNGER SISTER.
As we're driving through an industrial area, kid asks, "Why does this place smell terrible?"
Me: It's an olfactory response.
What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What do you call an isolated tree?
So I used to work at an orange juice factory...
But I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
How do you call an elephant that does not matter?
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
I got into an argument with a statue the other day...
and I have to admit it had some rock solid points.
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