A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.

He just can't part with it.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeltaOne211
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is β€œbeefstew” an unsafe password to use?

Because it’s not Stroganoff.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peytonmi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.

Her name was Himcules

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/multiplefroggs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I spotted an albino Dalmatian

It was the least I could do for him

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I went for an interview. They said, β€œCan you perform under pressure?”

I said β€œI’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”

πŸ‘︎ 724
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LIS1050010
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked if we could have an old movie night and watch β€œGaslight”

I told her β€œwe already watched that together, don’t you remember?”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What an EGGcelent idea.
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajfoucault
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, ...

an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops the

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainz4Dayz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

you get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Edit: Thank u for the gold, kind stranger

πŸ‘︎ 779
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dudesxx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The best way to tell the difference between an Indian and an African elephant is

that one of them is an elephant.

πŸ‘︎ 214
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A priest an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O."

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnooRobots9182
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my wife I was quitting my job today to become an electrician

She was shocked.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yet-another-dad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What an interesting title
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaleficentFault
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know Cardi B has a sister who’s an athletic trainer ?

Her name is Cardi O

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dashedthoughts
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
for lack of an intresting title
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
An udder day ... An udder pound ...
πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nukes-n-Nudes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
We had an impromptu pun off
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ABlokeLikeYou
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...

... how EYEronic!

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
An epidemiologist, a scientist and a doctor walk into a bar...

...just kidding, they know better.

πŸ‘︎ 560
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bel0902
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
An apple pie in Jamaica is Β£1.50, a cherry pie in Barbados is Β£1.60 and a mince pie in Trinidad is Β£1.80.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 375
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πŸ‘€︎ u/APunchToThePuss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
[an actual conversation I had with my beer loving father]

Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"

Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."

Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"

Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."

Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"

Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."

πŸ‘︎ 463
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Whats the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rafapex
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I think Harry would like an order of wings right about now...
πŸ‘︎ 450
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πŸ‘€︎ u/horrorhoney
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
An ounce of quack please.
πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D0NW0N
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I threw an engagement ring at my girlfriend, but she dodged out of the way.

It was a near Mrs.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leif_hans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?

The taste.

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you tell an Engineer is an extrovert?

They are looking at your shoes when they talk to you instead of their own.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corpsman223
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What does an Egyptian goose say?

Ankh, ankh!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an epic milk?

Legendairy

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/presuire45
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when an alternating current and a direct current run into each other in a wire?

A good rock band.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BioWoLFex
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doggo2006ws
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I just purchased an electric car.

Do I need a current license?

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
An oldie but a gooden
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What sound does an upside down cow make?

Wooooooo!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trainspottedCSX7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A man attacked an employee at a Starbucks

The crime was considered a coffee mug.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 458
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m thinking of a word. Starts with P and doesn’t have an ending

it’s Pi

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MINECRAFT-BEE7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Etereve
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My Halloween costume - I’m a Buccaneer (buck an ear)
πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slinkadynk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.

One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.

"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My kids are asking for a ping pong table for Christmas this year, but I told them that isn’t an easy decision.

A lot of bouncing back and forth.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schwano
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
When you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek

That's a moray

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife bought me an ancient Italian artefact.

It was Rome-antique.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sourabhjoshi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why won't Rick Astly ever take his girlfriend out for an ice cream date?

Cuz he'll never dessert you...

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo

πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bloodbank.

The rabbit says: "I think i am a Type O."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report

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