My fiancΓ© Amy dumped me...

and I was crushed and my world had no purpose, no direction. I wandered through my life Amy-lessly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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Me to Dude: Hi, I'm Amy.

Dude to Me: Hi, I'm Hugh. Me: Did you say Hue? That name is so... colorful. ;)

He just blinked at me so I think this probably could also belong in r/thisiswhyimsingle if that's a thing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imakebadpuns___
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
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Took a girl named Amy on a date to Dave & Buster's...

(Dave and Buster's is an arcade)

She absolutely beat me at any shooting game we played, as well as basketball. Afterwards I told her, "I figured out why you beat me at basketball and those shooting games. I have terrible aim, but you're a little more Amy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mossybeard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
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Before Amy Winehouse went to rehab she needed a cup of

Joe, Joe, Joe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshuaJamesworld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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My friend Amy opened up a vineyard.

She calls it Amy's Winehouse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2016
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Amy Poehler DadJoked Nick Kroll on the Kroll show

I'm paraphrasing here.

Nick: "Amy, thanks for being so chill with these sketches we've been doing."

Amy: "Oh yea, you didn't know this about me, but I was voted 3rd runner up for most-chill in high school".

Nick: "Oh? Why didn't you win?"

Amy: "Eh. The other guys didn't want it more".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkmeatchicken
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2014
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Sad news fellas, I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though, I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine is gone.
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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What does a skeleton call his best friend?

His bone ami.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyaasa14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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What do you call a comedian who can’t remember the punchline

Idk I’m the one who’s asking

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kidsdyinginside
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One looks at the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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I’m doing a run of PokΓ©mon: SoulSilver where I name everybody after musical artist puns. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far- pretty catchy, huh?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TristAndShout
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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So i visited a neurologic clinic that, between other mental illness, treats Alzheimer patients. This was their main lobby's painting.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XurroMaster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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I work at Google...

Ran into my dad when I was out and about with a friend. We sat down for a drink and conversation somehow turned to our respective work places. My friend says "I work at Google and there...". My dad interrupts him and legit goes "Really?! You work at Google? I Google at work!" with this stupid grin on his face.

I could hear loudly my friend's silent groan :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bustcratch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2017
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The names pond, James pond.

I’ve got a license to krill.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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My grandfather was captured by the Germans in WWII. Being a high-ranking officer, they kept him captive for months but all he would do is sit in his cell saying "tick... tick... tick...". Their top interrogator was sent in to get important information out of him...

When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather

"vee haf vays of making you tock!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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There's now a scholarship available to Contemporary Christian Music students.

It's called an "Amy" Grant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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They all laughed away me when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing now!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tateland_mundane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Child's dad joke

I've kind of been encouraging it, but tonight my 18 month old did it all by herself.

Getting her ready for dinner, I pull the highchair up to the table.

Daughter: Highchair! Highchair!

Me: It is

Daughter: waves Hi, chair!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/argon0011
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
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Nailed this dadjoke on a 6 hour drive to Oregon

Wife notices graffiti on the side of the road with the word HISTORY. Her: "That is the second time I have seen someone graffiti that word." Me: "History repeats itself."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mark_is_Dragon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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What do you call a rude cow?

Beef jerky

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πŸ‘€︎ u/42jax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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What do you call a lost lycanthrope?

A where-ami-wolf

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beaverpudding
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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Grandpa welcoming my girlfriend

Introducing my first girlfriend to the grandparents.

Me: "Grandpa, this is my girlfriend Amy." Grandpa: "Nice to meet you Amy." (to me) "I don't know what you were talking about. She is very pretty!" Me: jaw drops

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakhog
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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Why did the old school french-spanish gamer refuse to abandon his teammate?

Because he was all about the con ami code

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnCaptainBlue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
  • What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

  • If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

  • Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

  • I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

  • Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

  • I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

  • Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

  • I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

  • Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

  • Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

  • Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

  • When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

  • I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

  • Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

  • Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

  • I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

  • Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

  • Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

  • Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

  • Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

  • I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

  • So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

  • When you get an infection, urine trouble.

  • "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

  • How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

  • Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

  • Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

  • What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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Barrack Obama Puns in songs...

Justin Timberlake: I am Bringing Sexy Barrack Eric Carman: Obama Self Amy Winehouse: Back to Barrack Sir Mix a Lot: Baby's got Barrack Take That: I want you Barrack for good.

If anyone has any others to throw in the mix.. it would be very much appreciated....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vicki778
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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Got my GF while watching Colbert

My girlfriend and I are in bed watching the Late Show with Stephen Colbert eating red liquorice. I asked for one and she tosses one to me. I bite into it and with a grin on my face I raise the liquorice to my ear.

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" I grin excitedly.

She turns and glares at me.

"I heard it through the Red Vine!"

She starts to reluctantly chuckle which turns to her laughing and then her beating me with a pillow. While she is doing this, Amy Schumer made a funny joke that made Colbert laugh. "You made me miss a funny joke!"

"What do you mean? You just heard one!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nbolek71
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
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