You just have to listen varicosely
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
I can stop any time.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
An orange, because they don't rhyme.
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
I couldn’t fathom it.
Because it has make up exams.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.
Dad: That’s annoying; now it’s not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
A dad was with his daughter and she was looking for hair dye and he said... "Don't get that red colour you got last time, it made you a transginger"
It’s suppose to be a romance but don’t be surprised if there’s some Fowl play.
He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.
The called him the Jabberwookie.
I thought they just ate out..
My daughter and I were playing with the toy story toys. Bopeep had to see the doctor and I said I don't trust ducky as the doctor. I think he's a quack.
Word for word what he said because he just said it a moment ago
Lion, Ass, Cheetah
It’s assault.
He got charged with battery.
It was misread to be Type O blood. I guess you could call it a typo.
Clark Kent’s lucky he gets his powers from the sun, we just get cancer
Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.
Person 1: knock knock Person 2: who’s there Person 1: cash Person 2: cash who Person 1: Actually I prefer almonds
I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, “Hey, don’t try to start anything in here”
I only learned my letters up to quueeuuee
He won by ten percent.
...going twice…
I said, “That’s.....a novel idea.”
Yeah, it's actually Yoda Layheeho.
......Absolutely Nothing!!
What’s Kesha done to deserve this?
...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
But there is nothing more gratifying than when I tell a great Dad joke and my wife goes “Damnit, I fell for it. I thought you were being serious.”
And for those of you disappointed in the lack of a joke, two guys walk into a bar and it hurt.
“I can’t imagine the pane you must be going through”
I keep it Loki.
