Did you hear about the man who abandoned his diet, for an ice cream cone?

What a desserter!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cabbithunt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My mother told me she was abandoning the family to go across the world and study yoga. I had only one thing to say to her:

Namaste.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StringTraveler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
They demolished an abandoned industrial complex near me recently and now I can't smell.

They must have destroyed my old factory senses.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
There’s an abandoned French bakery in my town

It gives me the crepes

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fill-Chapo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/multiplefroggs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
"I've come here to hand over this abandoned cygnet that I rescued and raised"

Animal shelter: "Nice swan".

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eormada
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Abandoned... so you could almost say the owner was sick of this ship.
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Samerdown
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
One day I found an abandoned tv store

It was in a very remote place

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/realsuperguy199
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got to a really interesting part in a book about an abandoned garden.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lemonsarethekey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Found this on a wall while Joaquin through an abandoned art building at my University.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coreyisthename
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
When I herad that the US was abandoning the Kurds, I said ...

"No whey!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timoth3y
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend had wanted to go exploring abandoned caves with me for years.

Finally, I caved in.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Is it me or does this sub feel abandoned!?

http://i.imgur.com/hoyHvyJ.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 254
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mc_88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
🚨︎ report
What, exactly, is a fart?

A lonely cry from an abandoned turd.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WyldStalynz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the old school french-spanish gamer refuse to abandon his teammate?

Because he was all about the con ami code

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnCaptainBlue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Two homeless fellas are squatting in an abandoned house down the road.

I guess it's cheaper than a gym membership.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Abandon the search for truth!

Settle for a good fantasy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s Orange and Lies Constantly?

An abandoned basketball, but I like where your head’s at.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xeper-Institute
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I wonder when they’ll tear down the abandoned waterslide park

It remains tubey scene

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/germdisco
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad and I used to play catch, and he would do this funny thing where he wouldn’t catch it

Because he was never there.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MoodyToaster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
In the abandoned building down the street from "Tailor Swift" I'm going to open a sketchy-looking alteration service...

called Seams Legit.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thegodawfultruth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
🚨︎ report
It's Christmas, and my dad has abandoned all self control.

http://i.imgur.com/5l3ihob.jpg

He pasted this sign on himself while vacuuming this morning... He has a talking watch on, and is prepping his trick/extendable fork for Xmas dinner. The puns and euphemisms are flowing like water. This is his day.

πŸ‘︎ 336
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearskinrugggs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
🚨︎ report
Friedrich would never abandon his work...

...although RenΓ© might Descart his.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/q-quan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2016
🚨︎ report
I found this in an abandoned bookstore while doing some training with my fire department imgur.com/vZSNrG3
πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyScrotum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad sees an abandoned building outside Cleveland labeled "Aviation High School"

"Looks like the aviation high school didn't really take off"

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-Colonel_Graff-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Got my friend abandoned by his family for a vacation.

Him: I'm so mad. My whole family is in Milan right now and I'm stuck here at school. Me: Would you say you're feeling a little Milan-choly?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/delawahoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
How would you cut a tuba in half?

With a band saw!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/olivewitharhyme
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DCCXXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Gotta hand it to them, they've been punny for over 100 years. imgur.com/4kXIOa9
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KarmaDied
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Embarrassed the wife at a party with this one

Host dips her chip into a bowl of taco dip, breaks chip, new person arrives at the front door, host gives up and walks away with chip stuck in dip.

Person next to me: "Wow, she just left it in there."

Me: "Yeah, she abandoned chip..."

Wife just groans and walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/r0ck_l0bster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2016
🚨︎ report
My friend and his son were talking about whether the son was a banana.

Friend: I think you look like a banana.

Son: I'm not a banana!

Me: I don't know, kid. I think you have appeal.

Cue groans from the wives and high fives for the dads.

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rigamarolexq
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
🚨︎ report
New Cell Phone Store

A new cell phone store just opened in an abandoned car dealership building.

Now the sign out front reads Nokia.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/raven21633
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you get when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Two ships

Two ships were identical. Same equipment, same cargo, same number of crew and zero rats.

Because rats abandon synching ships

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mikilt22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I saw a single shoe the other day...

It must have been a lonely sole.

Sorry if this is a repost, I just made this joke when I found a single abandoned shoe on the road.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nazagorath
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
🚨︎ report
This is my dad’s favorite joke, and it’s completely awful

Three college students (Jim, Tom, and Steve) decided to stay overnight in an abandoned house that was supposedly haunted, all to prove that there was nothing supernatural there. They decided to sleep in separate rooms to increase chances of scary things happening. Each room was connected to one long hallway which lead to some stairs. After a while, the three called it a night and went to their separate rooms.

At midnight, Jim woke up to the sound of a scream coming from one of the rooms. He ran out into the hall where he met Steve, who also had just woken up. They walked into Tom’s room, and he was nowhere to be found. β€œSurely this must be a prank” thought Jim, and he and Steve decided to go back to bed. He slept for almost an hour when Jim woke up to another scream coming from a different room. He ran into the hall, and this time Steve did not join him. He walked into Steve’s room, and noticed that Steve had completely vanished. Still in the mindset that this was a prank by his two friends two, Jim went back to bed.

An hour later, Jim woke up to the sound of thumping in the hallway. He went out of his room and saw a giant coffin with chainsaws attached to where arms would be. The coffin was also blocking the exit, meaning that the only way to go was the stairs! Jim immediately ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, then heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started running again! He ran into another set of stairs going up, so he ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, when once again, he heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started to run. Eventually, he reached a dead end in a bathroom. He turned around to see the coffin at the doorway. Frantically, Jim scavenged the cabinets for anything he could use to fight it. All he could find was some cough drops. Using all the strength he had, he threw the cough drops at the coffin. Upon impact, the coffin suddenly started to dissolve! Before long nothing remained of it. Jim was astonished! The cough drops had stopped his coffin.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PlatinumPoptart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
🚨︎ report
The content around this sub has been dry recently

https://us-east-1.tchyn.io/snopes-production/uploads/2016/01/abandoned-sub.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/naht_a_cop
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you say when there's a singer, guitarist, bassist, and a drummer in a boat?

Abandon ship!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/low_kix
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
🚨︎ report
My earbuds fell in a dogs turd.

So I'm just going to begin this story with myself coming home from school after a long day. My sister after doing everything around the house asked me if I could walk the dog. "Yeah sure! No problem." No problem. So I plug in my headphones and leave to take her for a walk. So I left the house and within 5 minutes my dog had sat down and refused to move until at least 10 people had passed for no real reason. She then proceeded to rear up on her hind legs and drop possibly the biggest crap pattie I had ever seen come out of this dog. Luckily for a change I have bags so no biggie, I pull one out, bend over and suddenly my music gets slightly quieter. Now, after a long day of studying and tests and whatnot I didn't really notice what had happened until I went to stand up and felt the slightest resistance in the cord, I look down only to see my earbud covered in dog crap. I had no choice but to un plug my headphones and abandon them like a wounded soldier in battle. Of corse I come home to see my dad and my sister sitting on the couch talking about their day only to see me walk in looking a bit angry. "Hey what's up with you?" My Sister asks, "Like why do you look so grumpy?" In my mood after this irritating mishap I can only grumble "I dropped my headphones in her turd" I reply, only for my dad to retort with "Hey, how about you stop listening to shitty music for a change!"

I hope you enjoyed the story of my struggle, he said this and all I could think of was posting this.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the-dools
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
🚨︎ report
I dad-joked my wife. We don't even have any kids.

We were driving through a rural area near here when we went past an abandoned horse track, complete with stands etc.

She was pointing it out and saying "oh look, there's even the ticket booth!" and the like when she spots the horse stalls in a falling down old building.

She said "Do you think those are stables?"

I looked over at them and replied "Hmm. I don't think so. I mean, they don't look very stable to me!"

It was such a good joke that I laughed myself horse.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theredkrawler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Driving past a dairy farm.

Mum: "Do you think it's abandoned?"

Dad: "Looks dairy-lict to me."

You could feel the pride radiating from him.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hypercinth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report
Worth the read...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KT11616
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Willionnaire
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.