My dad went out for cigarettes 8 years ago & finally came back.

He said he was in the desert with his camels.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Constant-Mud-7995
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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My grandfather lived for 96 years & he never used glasses.

He directly drinks from the bottle.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfortamil
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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For years I told my daughter she was 1/2 Human & 1/2 Mermaid ... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HUMANPHILOSOPHER
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2017
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I was watching Mysteries at the Museum with my 8-year old daughter when they showed the quills used to write the Declaration of Independence, Constitution & Bill or Rights.

My daughter said, "that makes them the founding feathers, dad."

I've never been so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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Parents spend the first couple years of their kids lives teaching them how to walk & talk...

Then the next 18 telling them to sit down & shut up!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_hoff35
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Is this sub still active?

Haven't seen anyone post all year!

(Happy New Year from Australia everyone!)

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shauntp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Have you heard, the sequel to 2020 has has been postponed?

2022 won’t be arriving for at least a year.

πŸ‘︎ 280
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redkingror
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...

and the box said 2-4 years!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 200
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...

πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crustydog19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Africa has had no vampires since 1982?

That's the year that Toto blessed the rains there.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Why is North Korea so evil?

Because they have no Seoul.

Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I can’t take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but I’m sure he’d be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter it’s brought.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchubio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My son (8) walked out of the bathroom this morning and exclaimed "whoof!...

... I haven't peed since last year!"

I couldn't be more proud

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcschnazz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What do cows chew.......................................

MOOING GUM.................................................................. My 8 year old told me this and I'm curious as to how many up votes it gets, if you don't like it please down vote without any bad feelings .

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raulmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Is it a dad joke when your daughter tells it?

My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."

9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g5van5g
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a baby look something up?

They "Goo Goo" it.

[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]

πŸ‘︎ 476
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Have you ever heard of selective hearing?

I haven't

(Joke from my 14 year old son)

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearded_drummer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Not cool Dad...not cool

So my dad's telling my relatives the story of how my mom was in labor for 12 hours so they named me 'Laura' which if you say it in Vietnamese accent it's 'Lau-ra' which means "Long time to come out"...

IMAGINE FINDING OUT AFTER 21 YEARS YOUR NAME IS A FUCKING PUN ..

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stneutron
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I never remember what people tell me at New Year's parties

It goes in one year and out the other.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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I've always had a difficult relationship with my parents.

When I was first born, I didn't speak to them for 2 years.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
/r/puns best of 2020 nomination thread!

Welcome to /r/puns bestof 2020 nomination thread! A chance to win reddit premium.

Comment below the links of posts/comments that were exceptional.

  • Post/comment must have been made in the year 2020.

  • Anybody can nominate.

  • One person can nominate maximum of 1 post or comment.

Prizes:

1 month reddit premium (no ads on your feed) and access to the reddit lounge to the exceptional post/comment.

Note: The person who nominates will also get award if the post they nominate is good. (Very likely you will get it :)

All the best!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone's excited that 2020 is ending...

...but forget that the year after 2021 is 2020 too

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZackAshM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Is this subreddit dead?

I haven't seen a post on it all year.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_SP3CT3R
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.

Guess that's my New Year's Resolution

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AqViolet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm so hungry...

I haven't eaten all year.

(Happy New Year)

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/burningbeard20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet

Space X has really taken off this past year

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Domundead
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in

Hadn’t cleaned the house all year

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the1nonlyevilelmo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

β€˜Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸ’€β˜ οΈβ˜ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s infinity + infinity?

2 infinity, and beyond!

My 5 year old didn’t get it.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brickred805
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied β€œScrew you!”

So I'm pretty excited for the new year!

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
For everyone glad to be done with 2020...

... just remember next year is 2022.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
To the people who haven’t gone to the toilet in 2021

Why are you still holding onto last year’s shit?

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jtrad_24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Is this subreddit still active?

No one's posted anything all year...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hipcatjazzalot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Did read the book about the elevator?

It was a very uplifting story. (Courtesy of my 10 year old)

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theclashwasright
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone seems to think next year will bring back some comforts of normalcy

I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/medimanager
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Does anyone still use this thread?

I haven't seen anyone since last year

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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We CANNOT let this year end.

Cos then we will be admitting 2021.

But then again, we can't just skip 2021. Cos the next year is 2022.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hamishjoy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is Santa’s sack so big?

.....because he only comes once per year.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awkwardmystic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Tennis ball machine for sale. Only $100.

Had it over a year now. Has served me well.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend was sad, so I asked her who my favorite singer is and then placed my head on her chest

I told her Michael Boob-lay

She wasn’t as sad anymore (or much sadder since she realized how dumb the person she’s dating is). Happy new year everybody

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drumdude92
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't blind people eat ocean fish?

Because it's see-food!

my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.

edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.

thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberrich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do Redditors say when greeting each other on December 31st?

Happy Snoo Year

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KomodoJo3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
You know you've failed as a parent....

....when you let your 14 year old daughter smoke at the table, infront of her kids.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I don’t know what’s wrong with my family.

They haven’t spoken to me all year!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What did cold say to hot?

Not cool, man.

*My six year old told me she made this up. Not sure whether to believe her or not.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rethinkthegrid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report

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