Year Seven Puns

Daughter: Dad, it's really STUPID out there today. You'd better take your dumbrella.

Me: I've never been more proud.

He looks at the peddler and goes, "wow, that guy really has a lot on his head!"

Me to him: “why don’t you listen to me?” My wife to him: “why don’t you listen, period?” Him to us: “my name’s not period!”

I’m very proud

He wanted a pear for morning tea at school so I gave him one. This afternoon when I picked him up:

Me: "Tomorrow, do you want a pear for morning tea?"
7yo: "A pair of what?"

So proud right now.

I'm perusing r/dadjokes, and find a few gems. I turn to my daughter and say, "Little, this is going to crack you up"

She turns to me and says, "like egg jokes?"

I lost it.

Edit: autocorrect

We're sitting at the dinner table after my stepkid returned from a weekend at her dad's, telling bad puns to each other. This was her response to her mom. Mom (to me): Honey, you tell some terrible jokes. Me: I know. The kid: Mom, they're not BAD jokes, they're DAD jokes.

http://i.imgur.com/LiRlSov.jpg

They "Goo Goo" it.

[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]

Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even.

Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago.

I’ve never been more proud.

Mini-Soda.

(From my seven-year-old.)

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." observed the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

This zoo has 10 more birds than monkeys. How many birds does it have?

Birdy-seven.

(Courtesy of my six-year-old son. I've never been so proud.)

So if you have a dental implant, and brush with blue toothpaste, what do you call it?

A Bluetooth device.

Courtesy of my seven-year-old son, who is getting the hang of this pun thing.

I asked, is it like a metafive but not as good?

Got a laugh from the teacher and a groan from my kids. Mission complete!

Update: my wife just read the post and I started giggling and said 'I make myself laugh', my seven year old piped up 'you don't make other people laugh'

I'm so proud of myself

That's a big word for a seven year old.

The I, the R, and the seven C's.

Just had to post something to celebrate breaking 100,000 karma in 10 days less than 7 years as a Redditor.

Thank you everyone!

I didn't even mean to make a dad joke, apparently after seven years of being a dad, it just starts to happen.

I was installing some shelves up on the walls over my computer desk. Having just finished marking the walls where I was going to insert the screws, I was now installing the brackets onto the boards.

From behind me, I heard my wife say, "How's it going?"

Me: "Well, it's shellfish."

Wife: "It's what?"

Me: "Shellfish. I'm still putting the mounting brackets on, so it's not a shelf yet. It's shelf-ish. Shellfish."

At least my daughter thought it was funny.

Proceeds to leave town with his mistress and doesn’t even call on your birthday for 27 years. TWENTY-SEVEN Years. Then when you have your second child he tries to reconnect with you because he regrets all the lost time.

...He could hear from the music and the roar of all the people, it sounded like it was going to be a lot of fun so he got in line to buy a ticket. Once inside he ran into Sally, whom he'd had a massive crush on since grade 3, seven long years ago. They danced up a storm all night, and he felt like tonight was going to "end well". 10 or 15 songs later they had worked up quite a thirst. They meandered over to the drink table and asked the guy in front of them if this was the line to get a drink, and he replied "That's right, this is the punchline".

The eraser replied "you have a point."

-As told to me by seven-year-old Gibson M. L.

My three year old daughter commented that our cat, Missy, is older than her at seven years old. My wife stated that Missy will be eight this Christmas. I said "only if we can't afford a turkey".

except every seven years, when all they do is word play.

It's called Pun Farr.

Really nailed it, poor thing went flying. My seven year old son says from the passenger seat, "Dad, that was.... CATastrophic."

Felt bad for the cat, but pretty damn proud of my son.

He tells his friend, I've gone sixty-seven years without glasses. Now they tell me I'll need them every day. His friend replies I've gone eighty-two years, and not needed glasses a day in my life. Oh yeah? Says the first old-timer. How's that? Because, says the second, I take my liqour from a bottle.

My seven year old daughter was jumping on the bed when she clutched her mouth, fell and yelled out, "Dad, I kneed my teeth!"

I replied, "you're right, you do need your teeth, and you will for a long time."

She punched me in the face.

*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)

*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.

*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!

*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!

*If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? -Just wondering

*Harvard has long been known for its championship Rowing team – until this year. They had their first ever indecisive rower... he couldn’t choose either oar.

*I found an excellent seamstress who is so enthusiastic about her work that she's happy to make a pair of pants for you …or at least sew its seams.

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

*I bought a new weed whacker yesterday & it is cutting-hedge technology!

*Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

*I read about a recent fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.

*I was saddened to hear that our local bakery was going out of business. They said they had decided to stop making donuts after they got tired of the hole thing.

*I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? …Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!!

*I wonder if their manure spreader is the only equipment John Deere won't stand behind.

*I saw a very emotional wedding recently... even the cake was in tiers!

*I'm glad I'm not a cross-eyed teacher... otherwise I'd find it too difficult to control my pupils!

*What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? ...Snow and Tell

*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

*What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? …Owlgebra

*What

I was ringing out a son and father at the register. I tell him his total is "seven forty seven" and the father replies "I didn't buy a plane!" and looks at his son to get a quick laugh, but his son wasn't having any of it. Meanwhile, I'm trying to hold my laughter because i know this is a typical dad joke. But that's not the best part.

He swipes his credit card and reads the credit card reader out loud, "Sign Below". He ends up writing "BELOW" as his signature and says out loud to me and his son "It told me to sign 'Below' and so I did". His son responds with "Dad you are so embarrassing" and I'm chuckling out loud cuz I've never seen anyone do that the 3 years I've worked there lol

TL;DR Dad writes "Below" as his signature because he took it literally as any days would.

I was about seven when my mom dad and I were driving past a graveyard when my dad asks me question. Dad: How many dead people are in the graveyard? Me: Idk like 100 Dad: All of them! Next thing I hear is an uproar of laughter from him and my mom, while I just shrink down in my seat in defeat. He kept doing the same joke for 5 more years

Whenever my sister would have some friends over back when she was a teenager, my father would go into my room, grab a little plastic letter "P" from a toy I had when I was younger. And put it in his pocket. Walk into teenage sister's room "Girls.... look" "Dad what do you want?" "what is this?"- While holding out the letter 'P' Then placing it in his pocket He would refuse to leave the room until she or her friend Acknowledged that he had "P in his Pants" Seven year old me, thought this was gold. Brought me to tears a few times.