What did the zookeeper say when they discovered how bad the lizards smelled?

"Whew, what a skink!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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I have a fear of driving through tunnels with multiple people in the car

Doc said it's Carpool Tunnel Syndrome

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewmathman17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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Two muffins in an oven.

There are these two muffins in an over baking and one muffin says, "Whew, it hot as hell in here". The first muffin looks at him and says, "Holy Shit!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Korleonis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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My son asked me while looking at an ant colony, "Dad, does ant matter?"

I answered negatively, "does ant matter".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quantum_paradoxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Whenever I come back from a lengthy trip to the bathroom

"Whew, I'm pooped."

πŸ‘︎ 923
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FX114
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2014
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I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…

...which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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The first dad joke

Man: you are doing great honey, just a little bit longer. Doctor: ok one more big push, ready push push push push. Woman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAA EEEEE! (SLAP) Baby: waaa! Mom: hu huh whew Dad: Happy birthday son

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πŸ‘€︎ u/willworkforjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Doctor, I haven’t told anyone this yet but I’m having some intense chest pains

Whew, glad I got that off my chest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fat-bandit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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Hey, you know what the beaver said when he slipped in water?

Damn it

  • Phil Dunphy (Modern Family - Halloween 4: The Revenge of Rod Skyhook)
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evr487
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2016
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My daughter will be a good dad someday

Stopped at the grocery store last night. My teen daughter always picks out the apples (so we know we get ones she likes). When she grabbed one from the middle of the bin, a few on the top rolled to the bottom. She briefly panicked, then turned to me and says "whew! I almost caused an apple-anche!"

πŸ‘︎ 565
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryGeneric
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2014
🚨︎ report
I knew I loved my Husband for a reason.

Me "Oh no, my phone was in airplane mode." (Started to switch it off)

Husband "Whew, good thing you turned that off it might have taken off on you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andilynscott
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
🚨︎ report
Every time my wife comes back from the baby changing station,

Me: Whew! I thought you are going to come back with a different baby.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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My phone case saved my phone from shattering

Whew. best case scenario

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doebro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2017
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What did the the grain of sand say after it made it's way out of the oyster?

Whew! I'm nacred...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orthoprosthetist
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
🚨︎ report
As I was putting together a skeleton in my biology class, I held onto my table's skull...

Not paying attention, I nearly dropped the skull. Without skipping a beat, I said "Whew, nearly lost my head for a second there!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ansakicus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2017
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We were driving into the glare of the setting sun.

We took a sharp turn and the visibility improved a lot. I said, whew, no more squinting.

My boyfriend said, glad that's behind us.

Help, does this mean I'm pregnant?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-like-robots
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
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Feel like a beer

My girlfriend NEVER drinks, but she had a little bit of a stressful day this day and was kidding. We were walking into the grocery store after work.

Her: Whew, I feel like a beer!

Me: [squint and give the slightest grin]

Her: I don't feel like A beer! I feel like HAVING A beer!

Me: Well I feel like a beer. Look at all these hops. [hop a few times with feet together like an idiot]

She enjoyed my lame joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meinsamr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2016
🚨︎ report

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