(X-post) Weaponized Saber-tooth cats would be a real menace.

They're armed to the teeth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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This joke is gonna bomb

Where can you find weapons of mass destruction in Walmart?

In aisle 8

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πŸ‘€︎ u/myska707
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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I said to my dad "the bread is attacking me"

And my dad said "assult with a breadly weapon!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wisetvman2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag

The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MushuTheGreat17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Be careful: if you keep making these terrible puns...

...you could get be charged with 'assault with a dad-ly weapon'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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What do you call a space nuke?

Weapon of Mars destruction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Klaus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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What does Harry Truman call cats?

Weapons of mouse destruction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catamine_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...

...can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrillWolf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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What do you call a jelotine gun?

A congealed weapon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wrldoasis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.

The guy obliges.

In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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I was in a food fight at school & accidentally hit the principal with a stale cafeteria bun...

...the jerk had me charged; assault with a breadly weapon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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there's weapons

What is it called when someone cuts your weapon wielding limb off?

Disarmament

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StefDraws69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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What do you call sodium chloride carrying a gun?

A salt with a deadly weapon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boodahbellie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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What do you call a gun made of crayons?

A weapon of mass creation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nightmare21723
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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The TSA detained a passenger in possession of a slide rule, compass and calculator...

They said he was carrying weapons of math instruction, and was a member of the Alge-bra movement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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What do you call a dull spear?

A pointless weapon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texas_OT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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A math teacher was arrested today

In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/John_r628
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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The cleaning crew stopped by my office to dust

I work in an office with 2 other guys and we all get along very well. Once every other week, a cleaning crew comes in to sweep, dust, mop etc.

One of the cleaning crew had a duster out and was dusting my coworkers desk. He told the lady to hit me with the duster as I was acting silly as usual. She said she couldn't as she would go to jail for battery. I said, "No. You would go to jail for assault with a dusty weapon."

The audible groans and chuckles were fuel to my dad humoured fire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarFlipJudge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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[Request] pubs involving medieval terms

Hey all. I work at a place that sells medieval and Renaissance themed clothing, weapons, and armour. We are beginning to sell snacks in the breakroom for employees (sans vending machine) and I want to call the "shop" something silly/ridiculous. Ye Olde Snack Shack just won't cut it, I want a good pun in there. Don't hesitate to use fantasy inspired ideas either. I wanted to go with The Dragon's Hoard, but would rather have something funny as well!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magic_vs_science
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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My son, who's studying ancient Greek culture in school, got me again.

In the kitchen this morning, he tells me: "Dad, you know the Spartans were really fierce, and they'd throw away old weapons. They thought that if it wasn't sharp, it didn't have a point."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gatorflier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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I tried to go into a store with a gelatin revolver

But I was arrested for having a congealed weapon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattro30
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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A woman beat her husband to death with his guitar....

It was assault with a medley weapon!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hey_mcfly27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Studying Spanish and these are the puns I've come up with so far.

English and Spanish.

The Trump administration is making a game out of getting Latinos out of the country, they call it deporte.

Spanish heathens have to pay extra to preforn their ceremonies. Pagan rituals

What sci-fi weapon does the King of Spain prefer? A rey-gun!

Do you know how many times anyone had to tell me how to say 'eleven' in Spanish? Once.

Exclusivamente en espaΓ±ol (PerdΓ³n por errores gramaticales)

QuΓ© comida es el mas mojado? El agua-cate

Cual comida no puede decir una mentira? La verdadura

Como se llama un libro sobra la revoluciΓ³n? Libre!

QuΓ© es exactamente una mejor que Beyonce? Beydoce

Cual animal siempre tiene un novio o novia? El Parejaro.

Cual comida es el menos diverido? Aburrito.

Sobre que papel de pelicula de Madonna no le quiere hablar? Evita!

Quiero que me digΓ‘is mas. Nunca tengo suficiente bromas!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DankOfTheEndless
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2017
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My math teacher took away my rubber band shooter today.

He said it was a weapon of math disruption.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beneke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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FPS

Let's say there was an individual that assassinated the husbands or wives of presidents by the means of a projectile weapon. Would said individual be a First-Person-Shooter?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/memyselfandieb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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Just came up with two terrible puns

A friend and I got into a debate about what the best medieval weapon was. He said it was the warhammer while I said it was the mace. Our argument got so heated that we haven't talked to each other in five days. Talk about blunt force drama.

I was walking down the street when a man threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I turned around and shouted, "What the Hellman?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UltimaBahamut93
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
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A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMixSong
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2017
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Did you hear about the gun that only shoots Israeli produced bullets?

I hear it's a semite automatic weapon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bucnjazzfan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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In exchange for peace, the US is offering North Korea a shipment of transparent rockets.

So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
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My wife and I were fighting and she took a cutter and a peeler

With no weapons left, I made butter fly !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leeoncee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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A man has been jailed for telling too many puns

The judge called it 'Assault with a Dadly Weapon'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadpoodle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
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Since it's called the dark side of the force...

Wouldn't it make more sense if the Sith called their weapons Darthsabers?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AssassinJ2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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What do you call it when you use explosives in the process of building things?

Weapons of Mass Construction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_otterinabox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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Our Hero

Our hero is rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero lives in Marree, South Australia. He hears about a job opportunity in Darwin, so goes to his car to drive the 3,100 ks to Darwin. One problem, his car won't start.

This is no problem for our hero, because he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He walks to Darwin.

When he gets there, the bosses love him, and offer him the job on the spot.

"One problem," they say "The job is in Cape Town, and all air traffic has been halted because of the cyclones"

No problem for our hero. He's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero gets on the boat to travel the 11,000 ks to Cape Town.

Not far into the journey, the boat hits a storm and capsizes. No problems for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He starts swimming.

In the open ocean, a container ship spots him, and offers to help.

"One problem," the captain says over the loud speaker, "There's no rope".

No problem for our hero, he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

He scales the side of the ship bare-handed.

A few days later, they're attacked by pirates. One problem, he's unarmed and outnumbered

No problem for our hero as he is rough, he is tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

Our hero valiantly defends himself, gets some weapons, and is defending the bridge from all attackers.

He fights off the captain of the pirates, and deals him a mortal blow. One problem, the captain in his death throws, pushes our hero off the bridge, and he plummets towards the deck.

No problem for our hero as he's rough, he's tough, he's made of mighty stuff, and he's been through many hardships.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoglaTheGrate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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Police harassment

I got arrested. They found a ruler, a pencil and a protractor. I was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonibrown330
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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What do you call a gun made of gelatin that is owned illegally?

a congealed weapon

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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Chemistry Puns

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.


How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone


What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.


Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!


Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.


Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.


How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.


If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium


What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe


What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A β€˜gram’ cracker.


What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)


What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.


How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a β€œcarbonkneel”


What did one titration tell the other? Let’s meet at the endpoint.


How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.


Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down


Why do chemistry professor like to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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Did you hear about the sodium chloride killer?

He killed his victims with asalt weapon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/native2888
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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A dad joke from when I was younger

When I was younger, I had a Playstation 2 and a game called SOCOM: US Navy Seals that let you order your virtual team around with different voice commands. I'd be doing a mission and give the command to go weapons free by saying (basically yelling) "Fire at will." Every time I'd do that, my dad's voice would shout back "Who's Will and what'd he do to get shot at?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captainsuperdawg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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