Tonight is a sad night... our robotic vacuum cleaner, Wall-E, killed our bathroom spider, Al Gore.

Why was our bathroom spider named Al Gore? Simple. He created the web.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DamnRedhead
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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What is WALL-E's favorite anime?

https://preview.redd.it/7orvjx5mahn31.png?width=256&format=png&auto=webp&s=80eec2e08213ff2b818dd84f6b9b11e6dfd59016

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πŸ‘€︎ u/technicalviking
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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The recipe said, β€œset the oven to 180 degrees”......

but now i can’t open the door because it faces the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hannahunfiltered
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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I have a good friend who wears clothes made of nothing but carpet.

Walter Wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke

What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymous8776
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I took some money off the wall…

Now I hear my roommate saying, "Where's wall dough?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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I asked my grandfather how he was enjoying the new stairlift that was installed in his house.

He said, β€œIt’s driving me up the wall.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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This has been a crazy year. After everything that has happened though do you want to know the one thing that I can’t get over ?

An 8 foot wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Apparently until the age of 10 ,

Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty, shat on the wall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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Bloody stairlifts..!

They drive me up the wall..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dontmeenafing
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Four men waiting in the hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, β€œCongratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

β€œThat’s odd,” answers the man. β€œI work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, β€œCongratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

β€œThat’s weird,” answers the second man. β€œI work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, β€œCongratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

β€œThat’s strange,” he answers. β€œI work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. β€œWhat’s wrong?” the others ask.

β€œI work for 7 Up!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."

Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bleacher_seat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Sounds fishy

What did the fish say afer bumping into a wall

Damn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b3ni3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Dam

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says β€œdam” πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinnaker190
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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I've always hated stair lifts..

They really drive me up the wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zmorris10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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My mother will not stop complaining about her stairlift.

She tells me the thing is driving her up the wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhenIamInSpaaace
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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What do you call a dude with no arms and no legs who...

...hangs on a wall?

Art

...goes for a swim?

Bob

...sits on a porch?

Matt

...lies in a ditch?

Phil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJknox09
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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My brother hated going to jail

He refused to eat or drink anything, spat on everyone and covered the walls with his own feces...

We never played monopoly again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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That stripper party was no fun.

All they did was force us to remove the old paint from the walls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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What kind of nut is attached to the ceiling?

A Wall-nut. From my 8 year old son tonight. I am so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilovecostcohotdog
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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How to make a dad joke monument

Step 1: build a huge water restricting wall Step 2: call it the "i don't give a"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ichhalt159753
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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I was planing on taking a shower at my hotel today...

...but apparently they bolt those things to the wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/exturo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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It finally came full circle. I got my dad!

He was installing something on the wall and needed me to tell him if it was even. β€œCome here gnarcolepsy_, I need your eyeballs.” β€œSorry, I’m using them right now.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnarcolepsy_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?

The wall has never been anything but supportive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/harrison-harrison
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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I made a clone of Patrick Stewart but something went terribly wrong.

The clone slammed me into a wall and lifted me by the neck. What could I do? I’d been hoisted by my own Picard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigger3370
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Told this tasteless dad joke to my daughter yesterday.

Helping my daughter with her remote-learning geometry schoolwork.

"Ok dad, imagine you are in a room with a ceiling and four walls. How many planes intersect the floor?"

"Well if that room was is in the Twin Towers, two."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CiDirkona
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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My grandpa recently got a new chair for his stairs, but it frustrates him to no end.

He says it drives him up the wall!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evasive-Cupid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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I quit my job today as a sign writer.

I could see the writing was on the wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Siddsastar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Why is deadpools house always cold?

Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gollyfuckinggosh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Yesterday someone told me that whatever job I do at my bank isn't a fancy one, so I decided to do something about it.

I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.

Imma wall street banker now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Deep in the villain’s super secret base

Deep in the villain’s super secret base, he noticed that his 10” concrete filled steel walls looked bare. He asked his minions why was there no large, artistic rendering of his terrifying logo hanging behind his desk.

His minions replied, β€œWe’ve tried everywhere, but we’ve been unable to find a sketchy artist.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tragicwaters
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Spooky Joke

So, a comedian walks onto the stage and says to his assistant: β€œDo you want to hear a joke about ghosts?” The assistant responds with: β€œSure” The comedian says: That’s the spirit!

The Audience goes silent. A ghost pops out of the wall and goes: boo. The Audience begins to boo.

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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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A hearse is driving up a very steep street

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has picked up a lot of speed and crashes into a wall surrounded by people.

The door pops open, the body sits up and says β€œDo you have anything to stop this coughin?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/countryroads8484
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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I hired a contractor to put up a fence, but he never returned my calls.

I figured he was stone-walling me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.

Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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The recipe said, β€œSet the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I asked my grandfather how he’s enjoying the new stair lift that was recently installed in his house.

He said, β€œI hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A blind man walks into a bar...

And a table...and a wall.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YTho45
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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The recipe said, β€œSet the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open the oven, as the door faces the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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