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https://twinkle-bulbs.soft32.com/

Back in the day I used too love this software, basically it allows you too put up light bulbs and other stuff on your desktop. It seems like it was updated all the way too 2014 too but it's been around for a long time

It’s always been a nightmare of mine. Getting kicked out.

When I was a kid I had this weird obsession with dreaming about being thrown out, which didn’t make sense because my parents are good people—and yet my younger self saw them as terrible monsters.

My mom and dad supported me through my childhood but still, there I was, dreaming my father was throwing me onto the streets at 7 years old with nothing but my SpongeBob backpack, spilling an unnecessary amount of books and a dozen candy bars. It was always snowing in my dreams, and I was ankle deep in the stuff but I was never cold. It’s a well-known fact that you can feel what happens in your dreams, whether it’s being stuck in a flurry of swirling white snow or being stabbed in the gut by the boogieman under your bed.  I never felt the cold of the snow or the numbness of my bare fingers and toes. I didn’t feel anything. There was never a reason for these dreams. I loved my parents and my vanilla life of playing with dolls and arguing with my brother over whose turn it was on the PS3.

In my mind, I knew I was safe.

I had parents that loved me and a roof over my head. I would always have that security.  The dreams didn’t scare me but they did make me wonder if there was something wrong—deep, deep down. That wasn’t normal for a seven-year-old, right? I remember being into the Nancy Drew books. Anything which was mystery or fantasy—of course read to me by mom—I ate it up. All those imaginary worlds fascinated me and I was bored with my own mundane life.  Maybe I craved my very own adventures.

Like the ones in those fictional worlds.

Or I was a fucking psychopath.

I don’t know. I never really thought about it again.

Until 11 years later.

“Issac.” I knocked again. Harder this time. “Let me in.”

I was surprised how calm my tone was considering the situation; I’d already been having a pretty shitty day. Sleeping through my alarm was bad, but I wasn’t ready for what the day had in store for me. I’d managed to forget my jacket in sub-zero temperatures, been yelled at in class for not fully paying attention, and then I’d had to present a group presentation on my own—after my teammates bailed on me last minute. That went as well as you would expect, considering I’d done all the work the night before which was the primary reason why I was so out of it. The cherry on the top of my day from hell came much later when I found myself locked out of the student house I shared with three others.

I’m not going to s

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

I have no use for age anymore, but I know I was ten when it started.

My mother came into my room to say goodnight as she always did: pulling the covers all the way up to my chin and tucking them around my miniature frame, a bear hug and a kiss on both cheeks, and a final reaffirmation that there’s no one on this earth she could possibly love more than me.

Our routine complete, she tugged the cord to my bedside lamp, extinguishing the stars that twinkled on its shade from the lit bulb, and followed the light spilling in from the hallway, pulling the door closed on her way out. Just before it clicked shut, she peered back over her shoulder, smiling at what I’m sure was a charming image – me, so innocent to the world and pure of heart, peering over the blanket to catch one final glimpse – to assure me she would see me in the morning.

With those final words, the door would click shut, and I was surrendered to the darkness. It was in the stillness of that night, ten years old, protected from the cold by my mother’s warmth, it dawned on me that I would never again feel her embrace. I knew, without a doubt in my mind, that I had just seen my mother for the last time.

Surely, I could fling off the covers my mother so purposefully wrapped me in, throw open the door and tear down the hall, shouting her name. I’d find her, most likely in her bedroom doing some light reading before she, too, turned in for the night. She’d console me, stroking my hair in such a way that would instantly put me at ease, before walking me back to bed, insisting that she would be just down the hall.

But, in that moment, I found myself unable to move. An impossible cold had overtaken me, akin to the cold of a winter’s night so dreadful it takes a scalding hot shower or hours entombed in blankets to fully return feeling to one’s body.

The feeling of never being warm again.

Even amidst the horrible realization, I was unable to stave off the tide of sleep, my eyes growing heavier as I became colder, the weight of my sarcophagus of blankets betraying me to the point of suffocation.

That night I dreamed of her, a vicious parade of what I somehow understood to be her memories. Lies told, fights with loved ones, buried secrets, hateful looks. Anything and everything; momentous or incidental alike. A carousel of the dregs of her subconscious, funneled directly to me in unrelenting succession. I awoke in the morning with a crushing weight in my chest, as if my mother had been relinquished of

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Typed up from the physical magazine, apologies for any errors.

>A typical night in Las Vegas' Gold Coast casino and hotel. Amid the echoing chorus of slot machines and roulette wheels nobody notices the scantily clad young hooker running for her life, nor her breathless male pursuer still buckling up his trousers and tripping over unlaced shoes. Only when he catches her do players turn their heads, drawn by the blood curdling yelps as she repeatedly jams him in the face with one of her high heels. It was, as a young bellhop eyewitness by the name of Brandon Flowers recalls, like something out of a movie. That same night Flowers was called to a hospital where his mother had been rushed with a heart complaint. Sat opposite him in the emergency room was the poor stiletto-bruised dupe, grimly inhaling through a breathing apparatus. "I mean, what are the odds of that?" he smiles. "The hooker took his wallet and tried to ditch him. He obviously had health problems. But that's..." he shakes his head, smirking. "That's Las Vegas."

>As Flowers is keen to emphasize, Sin City is deservedly nicknamed. It's July 2010 and we're driving down Las Vegas Boulevard in the singer's silver Audi sports car. He's pointing out his hometown's less salubrious landmarks. "These are a bit seedy," he sniggers as we cruise past a string of Bates-esque motels. "The kind of place where you can rent a room for half an hour."

>The Vegas skyline, Flowers explains, has changed dramatically since his youth, but not the brazen promotion of human vice. "It used to be more about families," he sighs ruefully. "Now it's just...sex! There's trucks driving up and down the strip carrying billboards with a number to call and have women come to your room. That always existed. But now their asses are in your face."

>It's this wicked underbelly to Vegas' dreamland glitz that Flowers scratches as never before on Flamingo, his debut solo offering recorded on hiatus from The Killers. While local pride has always played its part in his group's ethos - naming 2006 second album Sam's Town after the casino near his Aunt Joyce's house - on Flamingo (also titled after a local thoroughfare) Flowers all but nails himself in the heart of the city, an indie pop martyr symbolically purging its sins upon a neon cross: "Catalogs of concubines!" "Dreamers! Harlots!" "Cocaine and lady luck!" Is it really that bad?

>"Well, you know the slogan for the town is, What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," s

Do your worst!

First part: https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/s2nk24/conjunction_part_1/

Previous part: https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/s499be/conjunction_part_3/

***

Caden stood at the edge of the Coral Sea, what had once been a sloping shore giving way to a vast expanse of desert that resembled a canyon. It extended as far as the eye could see. The far side must be over the horizon, whatever it looked like. He unfurled his map and checked it, making sure that he was indeed where he was supposed to be.

From this vantage point, he could make out the spires that the Dweorh had described. They looked like chimneys of stone, their surfaces covered in what resembled colorful moss, but was actually discoloration in the minerals. They were uneven, bulbous, no two of them exactly alike. They sprouted from the ground in clusters, many of them seeming to emerge from the same formation of rock. They were far higher than he had imagined, some of them looked to be skirting a hundred feet. Many had collapsed under their own weight, but there were plenty still standing tall.

Surrounding them was the coral that gave this place its name. It was so abundant that the Coral Sea could scarcely be referred to as a desert, the ancient growths creating massive shelves where they had built atop one another over eons, like a petrified botanical garden. They took on such varied shapes. Some bore a close resemblance to fungi, like giant mushrooms that sprouted from the rock, while others were more plant-like in their appearance. There were even corals that had taken on an uncanny resemblance to trees, rising from the ground on stout trunks, branch-like formations creating a sort of table that cast shadows on the land beneath then. Unfortunately, the vibrant colors that they must have sported in life were long gone, time having made them as lifeless as the stone that surrounded them.

Between the clusters of spires and outcrops of coral, paths formed in what had once been the seabed, filled in with sand that bore a striking rust-red color. Caden began to descend the sandy incline, dropping down into the maze of spires and reefs. It would be easy to get turned around in here, and although he might have an infinite supply of water, the same was not true of his food. He would have to make sure his path remained straight.

His heart began to race a

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

And now I’m cannelloni

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

I want to start by saying this: I wasn't a gangster. I don't like the word. Didn't then, still don't. I was a businessman. My business just happened to be crime.

Here's the thing though, right? I've been a straight goer for thirty years now. The old bill never managed to nick me, to catch me on the job and send me down. I got out as soon as I had enough scratch to fly off to Ibiza and stay low. That's where I'm writing to you from, my sunny bungalow while Wife #5 makes Martinis and I enjoy a Mediterranean breeze I don't deserve.

She barely speaks a word of the Queen's. I'm not too good at Spanish, neither. There's something I've wanted to get off my chest for a few years. Due to… well, the doctor advised yesterday that I cancel any long-term plans. If I don't share this now I won't get another chance. Bless Wife #5, but she ain't the ear I need on this one. I need someone who'll understand my words. All my words. I'm still wanted back home, and I don't know who in the old crowd is trustworthy these days or even still breathing, so you lot will have to do.

Now, I got up to a lot of things back in the day. More'n one fella caught a slug in the chops to pay for the years of paradise I've enjoyed. Am I guilty? Nah. That's not what this is about. I never done someone that weren't holding a shooter or a blade themselves. This ain't a remorseful confession because I don't have any. It was what it was, which was business.

This ain't about what I did but what I saw, and how I learned I'd never come close to the depravity of what real evil is. A single night, halfway through my stint as Bethnal Green's Billy Big Bollocks, the only night I wasn't the most dangerous thing in the room.

The year was 1976. I don't remember what month, but I know it was winter because I was freezing my tits off. I had three of the lads with me; Big Steve, Nicky the Shimmy-Shaker, and Screwloose. Big Steve's name was ironic. He was a little fella, barely over 5ft, but he had a mean kick and wasn't afraid to kneecap anyone dumb enough to cross me. Gangling awkward Nicky was known as the Shimmy-Shaker because of the way he'd bump and fumble into oblivious tourists and walk away with their wallet/jewelry/etc. Young Nicky was good in a scrap, and of all the firm he was the one whose loyalty I never questioned. As for Screwloose… well, you only get a name like Screwloose one way, and that's why he only came out on jobs like this one. The big jobs, the ones where you know it's

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

And boy are my arms legs.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

[FIRST][PREVIOUS][NEXT]

Chapter 075 [Alice]

Alice’s apprehension of having a potential bodyguard was rather quick to vanish as she approached a house that looked as if several people had attempted to build it at the same time. The first one to get their hands on the thing had clearly been aiming for a prison, and at some point the designs were torn out of the architects’ hands and given at someone trying to make a mansion. Only to have had the designs stolen by some sort of lunatic that decided the only thing missing was to put a chunk of metal on top like some sort of birthday hat.

The building was a special kind of ugly, the sort that tried to pretend it was actually pretty but that lacked the proper amount of makeup to be able to pull off such a miracle. The torrential rain certainly wasn’t helping make it look any less unsettling.

Four stories high, it was the tallest structure in the village. The first two floors were thick with cement, stone slabs slapped outside walls as if to hastily try to hide the aberration of dark gray concrete. Each window was locked tight behind a heavy metal shutter that had been polished to the point it could almost pretend to be chrome. The next two floors had large ornate windows, littering the heavy dark orange brick walls. And lastly… the roof. It was a metal tower of some sort. Four tilted metal columns that joined at the tip of a very stretched out pyramid that was twice as tall as the building itself.

Alice noticed that at the very cusp of the metal tower there were two winged creatures perched upon its metallic structure, almost undoubtedly maidens, though the storm made it hard to recognize more than the silhouette of their figures. “What is that?”

“The radio tower.” Her guide and bodyguard called out. “The Hunters can use it from that building over there too, it’s how we send reports and stuff.” She’d pointed to a structure not too far off.

Nodding numbly, Alice followed through the empty street towards the ugly mansion’s main entrance. Two heavy looking pieces of metal that swung open upon their approach. Two maidens at either side struggled to push them out of the way. These women wore gray outfits, uniforms that had short skirts and shorter sleeves, they sho

They’re on standbi

BamBOO!

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Pilot on me!!

A play on words.

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.