How many A.D.D. Kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I’d like to have kids one day.
I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Did you hear about what happened when Calcium invited Phosphorus and vitamin D to dinner?
When introduced to my new boss, she said “I thought you’d look younger”
Customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.
Me: Sorry, we only take cash.
Manager: Can I talk to you?
I once tried to join a gymnastics team but it’s harder than you’d think
You have to bend over backwards to get in.
As I kid I’d race my brother to turn on the electric stairs
It always escalated quickly
How does a letter go from a B to a D?
Why did Beethoven add so many 32nd notes to the Concerto in D-Major?
This morning my daughter was having trouble putting on her shoes and starting to throw a tantrum.. I asked her if she’d like me to put them on
They didn’t fit me very well
How’d everyone react to the moon landing?
Wow, that’s out of this world
If I was going to ask someone to marry me, I’d propose in an elevator
so I could say I want to take our relationship to the next level
Beastie Boys are doing a 5-disc reissue of their albums. Parts A-D you'll be able to buy on Amazon or wherever, but the 5th can only be obtained through a lottery.
Which means you've gotta fight for your right to Part E.
I’d like to send one of those “dick pics”
But I just don’t have the balls
Do you think you’d ever want to be swirling blades moving air?
You see, I’ve never been a fan.
Vampires suck your blood to get vitamin D, because they can not be out in the sun.
Have you ever thought about that?
No, because all you think about is yourself.
A pianist cuts his hand on the notes B, D, and F#. He goes to the doctor and tells him this.
The doctor says The damage looks to B minor.
I’d like to dedicate this post to my late father.
A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings while she is golfing. The pro asks: “where’d you get stung?” “Between the first and second hole”, she answers.
The pro replied: “your stance is too wide”.
I told my son I’d built a model of the Himalayas. “To scale?”, he asked.
I’d really love to tell a dad joke.
But without any children myself, I’d also hate to commit a faux pa.
A woman goes to the Butcher and says, “I’d like an oxtail please.”
“Certainly” replies the Butcher, “Once upon a time there was an ox”
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
My teachers always told me I’d never amount to anything if I always procrastinate
I’ll show them, just you wait!
I was talking to some mates about starting an Oasis cover band but said we’d only play Wonderwall. One of my friends asked if we’d play other songs.
I’d tell a joke about wanting to have a baby but…
It hasn’t been conceived yet.
Big shoutout to all the L&D nurses and expectant mothers in the US
I was tempted to get a Ph.D. in Egyptology, until I realized...
...the only thing you can do with a Ph.D. in Egyptology is become a professor and teach other people who are trying to earn Ph.D.s in Egyptology, making it a total pyramid scheme.
If I had to rank my favorite types of mints, I’d rank peppermint first
And Washington D.C. last.
Last night, the maître d' refused to seat me just because I was wearing a tank top.
What happened to my right to bare arms?
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I’m sure he’ll come around, eventually.
I’d tell a joke about moving to a new house but…
It hasn’t been unpacked yet.
What’d one astronaut say to the other after landing on the moon?
This is even crater than I imagined
Ima start spelling weed oui’d cos I can’t say no to it
I’d like to have a word with whomever awarded the Olympic medals to fish.
Goldfish wouldn't even be in my top 10.
And don't even get me started on second place.
I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming like his passengers.
My Grandpa used to say, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d all be speaking German right now.”
Lovely man… terribly bad foreign language teacher—no idea why the school hired him.
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
My son called from college to say he’d lost his favorite comb...
I said ”Easy comb, easy go.”
true story.
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: “I’d like some chapstick”
The pharmacist says “but you’re a duck, how are you going to pay for that?”
The duck says “it’s fine, just put it on my bill”
Customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
Me: I’m sorry, but we only take cash
Manager: Can I talk to you?
If I were to ask someone to marry me, I’d propose in an elevator.
That way I could quickly take our relationship to the next level.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
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