The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
This pun is a Cut above the rest
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte. Then, everything crashed.
Why don't the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?
Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
To prove he was right, the flat earther walked to the edge of the Earth.
He eventually came around.
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Long live Rudolph the red
Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often
In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
What is the opposite of a croissant?
I was taught to never use the Oxford comma
by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
Do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
My wife and I share the same sense of humour.
We have to....She doesn't have one.
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face.
Did you hear about the italian chef that died?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast🙏🏻❤️
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁
Puns aren’t the aphrodisiac I thought they were.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
Did you know the film “Speed” had no director?
If it had direction, it would be called “Velocity”.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.
I told her she would roux the day.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
Time to put on the costume
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
I'm worried that the supreme court will lack empathy now that Ginsburg is gone.
Without her they're ruthless.
What does the electrician say when he meditates?
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. I’m glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.
Did you hear about the blind carpenter?
He picked up the hammer and saw.
(my dad told this all the time. I am continuing on with the tradition...)
Arkansas is the only state mentioned in the Bible.
“Noah walked out onto the ark and saw....”
A midget stumbles out of the bar...
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
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