The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
Everyone keeps telling me there's 26 letters in the alphabet, not 25
I was telling Dad jokes the entire night
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
I started telling my grandkids about how I built my house from the ground up. They complained that that’s the only story I ever told.
Well, children, this is a one-story house.
I kept telling my brother not to put the Q-tip in too deep, but he never listens to my words.
It goes into one ear, and out the other.
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Why did the foot stink at telling jokes?
I feel the most confident telling chemistry jokes
I’m in my element when I do
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...
I was telling my friend that brown rice is the same as white rice, but with a criminal record....
He thinks I'm a riceist for saying that.
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.
People are always telling me that “mean” and “rude” have the same definitions. So I ask them,
I’m telling my 5yr old about the wonderful world of literature and she says it sounds boring. I responded with
But... it’s lit! Hits the dad dab
The problem with telling funny jokes to dads is...
Thanks for telling me the definition of plethora
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. “Why’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”
My friend was telling me the other day that their nan's mum is still alive. She asked me "Do you have a great grandmother?"
I said "Eh, she's alright I guess."
My dad was telling me about his doctor’s appointment today. He needed to get some vaccines, but because of Covid he would have to go to the office and they would give them to him in his car.
He said he was going to be involved in a drive by shooting.
Had some friends over and they were telling me they are in the market for a new telescope...
I told them “ be carful telescope salesmen can see you coming a mile away!”
Harry potter had always been hesitant about telling lies when under the invisibility cloak
people always said that they could see right through him!
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down...
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
I made the mistake of telling my suitcase that we won’t be going anywhere this year because of the pandemic.
I’m having to put up with a lot of emotional baggage ever since.
I like telling dadjokes to the blind.
They never see the punchline coming!
LPT: When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you say the entire joke.
Because it isn’t easy to tell them a part.
An old man was telling his friend about his new hearing aid, "the greatest in the world!" "You can hear a pin drop."
Friend: Wow! What kind is it?
Old man: quarter past 2.
My friends keep telling me that I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit. Meant to post this somewhere else .
My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.
For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time
or
In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield.
Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.
I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...
I was hanging out with a bunch of criminals who kept telling the funniest jokes.
We were laughing all the way to the bank.
Did you hear about the Toronto Mafia Boss known for telling bad jokes?
The call him The Stand Up Canadian.
My wife is a nurse and was telling me about the guidelines they're following...
My only comment was WHO do they think they are telling you what to do?
Buddy is telling me all the news around next gen console builds are just rumors..
So it's all specsulation?
My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...
Because Adams make up everything!
My Dad will be telling Dad Jokes till the end...
Quick backstory, my Dad was rushed to the hospital last night with an acute pericardial effusion. Of course, we didn't know the cause at the time, so when the Doc came into my Dads room in the ER to tell him what's going on and what they were going to do, emergency surgery, this is how the conversation went...
Doc: Mr FloatyMcBoatFace's Dad, You have fluid building up around your heart, an Acute Pericardial Effusion, and we have to go to surgery right away to get that fluid out of there.
My Dad: Well, good thing it isn't an Obtuse Pericardial Effusion...
The entire family groaned. The Dr and Nurse couldn't help but laugh after a few seconds of what I assume was shock.
Anyway, he seems to be doing fine, he's still in the hospital under observation though.
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
You know the problem with telling chemistry jokes?
My first job was telling golfers how much time a scratch player should take to complete a hole on the golf course...
I don't understand why the Australian authorities haven't called out the lady sheep to deal with the fires. Everyday, when I was a child, Smokey the Bear was on TV telling me,
"Only EWE can prevent forest fires."
My wife keeps telling me writing my V's as B's makes me Russian. Well, if that's the case..
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area,
Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
I made the mistake of telling my suitcase that we won’t be going away this year because of the pandemic...
I’m having to deal with a lot of emotional baggage.
People keep telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s all about raisin awareness
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