What do you call a fortune telling dwarf who escapes from prison?

A small medium at large!

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๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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What do you called a vegetable-based fortune telling card?

A carrot card

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/blaitmun
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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Did you hear about the fortune-telling little person that escaped prison?

Heโ€™s a small medium at large.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/seems_legit_man
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Why are ranch homes bad at fortune telling?

They only have one story.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
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Had to tell my family we can't take the boat to the lake cause my truck broke down. Fortunately, avocado.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Slartibradfast
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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How does French Super Mario tell his fortune?

Lโ€™ouija board.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zedhead0628
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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My coworker Sam likes to go karaoke, but never tells anyone. Fortunately the wristwatch he wears the next day is a big giveaway

Samsung

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheFullCircleK
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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My tenant tells fortunes

She's an astrolodger

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CuriousDibbler
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 01 2015
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My dad always tells the same joke whenever he opens a fortune cookie...

Q: Where does virgin wool come from?

A: UGLY SHEEP.

...still makes me laugh no matter how many times I hear it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dragonalex
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 14 2013
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My physics teacher dad joked our class last week...

We were doing a sheet of questions, and he asked if anyone had got to "the fortune telling question" yet. He was talking about question 4C

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/garethgray
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2014
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100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • Thatโ€™s all => Catโ€™s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eyl327
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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The "Philogelos" is a collection of ancient Roman dad jokes

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

  • A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

  • When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

  • A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

  • A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

  • A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

  • A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

  • A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

  • A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

  • An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

  • A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

  • A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AttalusPius
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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Dancing in my future

Kid has a facial tissue folded like one of those "chance" games with panels, pick a number, pick a panel, unfold for fortune, kind of thing.

Kid: I can use this tissue to tell your future!

Me: really? Does it say my future involves dancing? (puzzled look in response) Me: I figured since it was a tissue, it has a boogie in it.

I laughed, then had to explain the 70s.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mistermajik2000
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 29 2014
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What do you call a fortune telling midget who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bragisson
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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What do you call a fortune telling midget who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yakboy43
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
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