Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?

Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why aren’t there any patrons in the gym on Sundays?

They’re at mass.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.

That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.

πŸ‘︎ 777
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have noticed that patients who have the cold feel better on Saturdays and Sundays.

It’s the weekend immune system.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does the second Sunday in May always make Shaft feel guilty?

He is a bad mother.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
One for the sunday morning newspaper

When you get to the obituaries pause and say "hmm" like you see something interesting.
Wife or kids will say "what?" and you say "they all died in alphabetical order!"
It gets better after the 5th or 20th time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicknak2445
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days of the week?

Because the rest of the days are weakdays! I’ll see myself out now

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/legendsnvrshave
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What does the Swedish Chef cook for Sunday lunch?

Pork pork pork!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanTorch23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I noticed my son's dress shoes were unlaced and dragging on the ground as we were leaving church on Sunday. My wife spoke up and said, "now honey, he's probably just stylin'"

I replied, "More like he'll be trippin' the way I see it."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackrabbits1im
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
The only thing more depressing than Sunday evening..

Is a Satur-day.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
what do we call Saturday and Sunday if the week passed quickly?

a weeee-kend

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/esma3ell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Graduated Sunday. Will live in infamy for explaining why it was so hot in the stadium.

Because there's over a thousand degrees.

Everybody around me heard that and groaned. The guy in front of me stared back like, "you've gotta be kidding me"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaoticpix93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Was asking my dad about the xmas party this coming sunday

The following is my conversation through texts with him at 3:30 today.

Me: What's the address for the Xmas party.

Dad: Don't know I'll have to ask your mother

Me: What time is it?

Dad: 3:36 pm

Me: 3:36? Why not 3:37 or you know 3:35? Or even better... 3:30?

Dad: Cuz it's 3:39 right now

Me: ... What time is the party

Dad: oh you wanted to know what time the party is.

Me: ...

Dad: 3 pm.

Had me and my friends laughing so hard.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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Why do baseball bats tend to break near the grip on Saturdays and Sundays?

Because it's the weekend.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSygil
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What did I do when my co-workers at the candy factory staged a strike to protest the commercialization of Easter Sunday?

I didn't make a Peep.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Bankrupt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was Sunday the heaviest day this year?

There was a lot of mass.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyktic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the story about Saturday and Sunday?

It's got a great start but quite a weekend.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsokaytofeelgood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Sunday PUNday 1: This Week’s Best Jokes and Puns on the Internet marsgonemad.com/2015/11/0…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marsgonemad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call the minimum amount of potatoes for Sunday dinner?

A critical mash.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electropriest
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
🚨︎ report
On Sundays when my dad brings home breakfast desserts from the bakery...

Me: "Hey Dad, what's in the box?"

Dad: "That box? Nah that's just a box of trash! I found it on the side of the road!"

Me: "Really! C'mon Dad, whatcha get?"

Dad: "I'm telling you, it's a box of trash!"

My dad has never failed to use this line any time he gets that mysterious white box of baked goods (be it crumb cake, donuts, or cinnamon buns), and it's never failed to make me run immediately to the box to see what was really in it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marzi725
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked the Sunday School class I teach today.

One of the students asked, "Which lesson manual will we be learning from?"

To which I responded, "EMMANUEL, amrite?"

blank stares

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/opiester
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
🚨︎ report
While watching (American) football this past Sunday the announcer says, "...the ground can't cause a fumble." This prompts my dad to look at me and say

You'd think the ground would know that by now.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etheril
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
🚨︎ report
During the Denver-Kansas City game on Sunday...

My dad and I were talking about how some people find team names like the Chiefs and Redskins offensive. Out of respect for these people, he started referring to KC as the "Kansas City Executives." Took me a minute to get it. Very funny dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alapanamo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad dropped this one the morning after the South Carolina-Clemson game last sunday.

Dad: You hear it took the Clemson team 8 hours to get home last night?

Me: Why? was traffic that bad?

Dad: They had to go real slow since they didnt want another turnover.

(For those that didnt see that game, Clemson had 6-7 turnovers)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PiKappaFratta
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
🚨︎ report
Saturday and Sunday are the strongest days

All the other days are just weak-days

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shurgery
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report

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