Every night I see the ghost of a chicken spirit

I have a hen-ted house.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
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I once had a parrot that was taken over by the spirit of a raven. It'd often say, "nevermore".

It was Poe-sessed!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2021
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What do you call a person who enjoys talking with the spirits of the dead?

A happy medium

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdibleSoftware
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
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If you have the soldiers named Salt and Pepper in your squad then consider yourself lucky.

They're seasoned veterans

πŸ‘︎ 276
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FartyMcFry89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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He’s got the spirit
πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/According-Ad8779
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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The trail blazer lost his Christmas spirit.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bev_err
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards...

..... Will get a reward.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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How was the firing squad?

It was mindblowing.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheekichannel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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How do you track Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2021
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Argon enters a bar, the bartender says β€œWe don’t serve noble gases here.”

Argon does not react.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dick_Squeakly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
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There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther

Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.

They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.

I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jzagri
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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"ground" the kid
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakynit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
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What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?

'Eye-do'

This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.

The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!

Cred once again my sis wants credit lol

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tieyz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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What was a very common name in the middle ages?

I heard parents named their children lance a lot.

First post please don't kill me

Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the... Bottom...

(as told by my 5yo son, I'm so proud)

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wotmate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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What pan is the best to make sushi in?

Japan.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Most-Stomach4240
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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Want to contact the spirit of a dead Italian ?

Use a Luigi board.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." Concerned, she asked, "Which doctor?"

"No, the regular kind!" I laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
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I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..

it's Hans free now..

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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My daughter claims her school is huanted and wanted to call the ghost busters.

I told her to call the cheerleading squad instead. Figured they might know the school spirit.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"

That was the punchline

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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I threw up in the toilet
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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Very disappointed to find out that the universal remote control I bought does not control the universe.

Not even remotely.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, β€œI’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”

He said, β€œChange the batteries in your hearing aid”.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BritishTeeth11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2021
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Oh the tangled web we weave ...
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
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Did you know that your pupils are the last parts to stop working after you die?

They dilate

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mayes825
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2021
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Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '

Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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I got dishonourably discharged from the Navy yesterday for accidentally boarding a different vessel.

Oops, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2021
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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RodimusMajor84
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2021
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Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?

For example

  1. I ate my friend's lunch
  2. I ate my friend's colon
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jezza000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?

handshakes

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarjuful_Tabeeb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.

But Patrick is the star.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2021
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That's the spirit
πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danieltan1502
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get a prize.

The no bell prize.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WittyOnReddit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superuglypotate
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.

Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?

Me: Car?

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
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What's the difference between Iron Man & Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guy, Aluminum Man foils their plans.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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The one and only acceptable way of advertising
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supdawggg00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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What did the encouraging girl spirit say to the other ambitious girl spirit?

β€œYou ghost girl!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Why did Vice Squad raid the water treatment plant?

They'd received a tip about a bunch of Pumps and Hoses.

(I'm sorry. I just got off work, heard "pumps and hoses" on the radio, and a bad idea was born.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OOOH_WHATS_THIS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Whats the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The direction the first letter faces

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samusftw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
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If I have 6 oranges in one hand and 7 oranges in the other hand, what do I have?

Really big hands

πŸ‘︎ 473
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MartianHunter420
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
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My 5 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body.

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it....

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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What’s the difference between a sharply dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atomicskiracer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2021
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