The Residents Puns

apparently it is not "appropriate" to talk to residents about the benefits of youth in asia.

They're calling it a wurst-käze scenario.

My reply was "I'm sure Weed Growth's parents would prefer to refer to them as developmentally delayed."

Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.

We call it "In Depends Dance Day."

it would be a bohemian rap city.

Every time my dad and I ask her to "give us a hand" with something, she just starts clapping. She thinks it's hysterical every time.

What a croc of shit that turned out to be.

He can’t work until he gets his permanent residency.

My wife said, “maybe he could move pianos for cash, under the table.”

Her dad said, “it’s hard enough moving pianos, hows he going to move them under a table?”

I work at an assisted living facility and the other day they were going to be spraying my unit for bed bugs (preventatively). But on the day the exterminator called out sick, and as I was going around informing residents one grinned and said “He got a bug”

Why aren't the residents of that block of flats allowed to be buried in that cemetery?

Because they're not dead

An original from my dad's Facebook:

Y'know, back in the day, if you said "stable genius," you'd be talking 'bout Mr. Ed. Of course, back then, you'd be talking 'bout an entire horse, as opposed to the rear half that currently resides in the Oval Office.

The patient's neurological status was terrible last night when she came in. By morning, she looked much better and was able to communicate with us. While rounding on our patients, the attending asked the resident if the patient looked that much different the night before.

"Oh yeah, it was like night and day."

"Well I know it was night and day, but what about the patient?"

My wife and I brought our new daughter to meet my grandmother who lives in a nursing home in another state. This nursing home has a cat and two dogs that also reside there. I only saw one of the dogs, but my grandmother told me that the other one has no tail. I asked "why not?" she said "It's mother bit the tail off." - I said "What a bitch!" It took a moment, then she said. "She IS a bitch." - We both laughed.

In reference to trying to play Bethpage Black

Me: you're a New York resident, so you can book a tee time 7 days in advance.

Roommate: Does the tee time work for multiple people?

Me: yes.

Roommate: So, we can have a tee party?

In the dining room during lunch after giving my elder residents desert which was Angel food cake, everyone noticed that the cake was very flat and thin.

One of the ladies said "This is no angel food cake, this is...."

Without missing a beat, this old man with a patch on his right eye interrupts the little old woman and says at the top of his lungs in a raspy, yet clear tone , "I'll tell you what this is!. It's a fallen angel!"

Everyone in the dining room laughed uncontrollably. Not him. He just shakes his head and digs into the cake.

I immediately thought of you guys.