A net loss to the community...

https://preview.redd.it/etjneuh87qe61.jpg?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a43ed23f6164c205e69659f2949861fff21d7c0f

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Heard about the Texan with memory loss?

He ALAMO'st forgot.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlankenSonja
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.

They taught me periscoping techniques.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HouseofKannan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.

I handed her the dictionary.

πŸ‘︎ 474
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried explaining to my girlfriend what the effects of network packet loss were.

But I just couldn't get the message across.

Edit: I wish I knew more about networking so I could understand all these jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Offilious
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2016
🚨︎ report
I keep telling this girl who works on a farm to get over the loss of her favorite cow.

But she couldn't put it pasture.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnimuTrappu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Whatβ€˜s the first stage of grief and loss in Egypt?

The Nile.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the football coach say to the game developer when they loss?

Ubisoft

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tribulock
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my weight loss pills........

You'll have nothing to gain.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the loss of nemo the fish?

It’s o-fish-al

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BernieIV
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Came out backwords / at a loss for words / just one big bowl of soup / proper punctuation: the colon / man,ure on a roll / just stirring the pot / poo-lease stop / can't. IOU potty humor / Y you say that? / It's fun, butt OK - mind my P's and Q's - I'll put lid on it
πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barwhack
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
🚨︎ report
After my memory loss, I couldn't remember the other word for 'couch'.

I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't even mention the loss of newspaper subscriptions to me

It's tearable news

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad are you still mourning the loss of mum.

He replied no, now I'm afternooning her loss.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unit1601
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2017
🚨︎ report
You wanna know what the best thing about short term memory loss is?

I forgot

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-bee-movie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Hearing loss isn't the end of the world...

but a string of words in sign-language is a deaf sentence.

Edit: please don't thank me, just pay it forward.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/someauthor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call the gradual decline to eventual loss of living tree wives who you marry with the purpose of showing them off ?

Ent-trophy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheresTheWombo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2016
🚨︎ report
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.

The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.

When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said β€œOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?” The doctors replied β€œWell, the girl’s name is Denise!” β€œOh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?” β€œDenephew”

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Went for my covid vaccine today

The covid tester asked if I had experienced a sudden loss of taste. I said no, I always dress this way

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/den_nis3524
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I didn't make this up but I wish I knew who did.

It was a gloomy day for a funeral. The widow weeped quietly in the front row. A distinguished gentleman approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you mind if I said a word?" "Please do", she replied. He stands, straightens his tie, and says "Plethora." Then he sits down. "Thank you," she said.

"That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eap42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just got on me about a pretty smelly fart that slipped out...

I told her it was important to do self checks for the loss of smell in the time of the pandemic.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mojoeohjoe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
dog tooth fairy pun

I feel like there should be a pun for what the dog tooth fairy brings, but i'm at a loss. anyone have any good puns?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leash15
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What items would you include in an amputation themed gift basket?

I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking

What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pyroperformer93
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is at a funeral.

He goes up to the widow and says, β€œI’m so sorry for your loss, may I say a word?”

The widow says, β€œYes, go ahead”

The man goes up to the stand and says, β€œPlethora”

The widow then says, β€œThank you, that means a lot”

πŸ‘︎ 275
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to a funeral of people made of glass

It was the clearest loss i've ever seen

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatOneNerdyBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football program

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintMeerkat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
History lesson

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TibtibThePrincess
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I was recently told that I have short term memory loss.

Oh and by the way, did I mention that I also have short term memory loss?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crackypwns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A man goes to see his father at his parents house

They both sit and start chatting

Son : how was your doctors appointment?

Dad: good!the doctor gave me different medication for my memory loss

Son : oh really ? What are the name of the pills?

Dad : ( struggling to remember ) oohh...uhhh.... something to do with flowers but I can’t remember

Son: tulips ?

Dad: no , they’re very popular and everyone loves them .

Son : daisies?

Dad : no! They are bright red and romantic

Son : rose ?

Dad: YES. He loudly yells ROSE, WHAT ARE THE PILLS CALLED THAT THE DOCTOR GAVE ME?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MNMKandyKane
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A man lying on his death bed surrounded by his children...

He said to his sons β€œYou two take the north and south side properties” . And to his daughters he said β€œ you two can have the downtown and riverfront properties”. He then suddenly died. The nurse said to the children β€œI’m so sorry for your loss, I had no idea your father was such a wealthy man!” His son said β€œwealthy?! That’s his paper route!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nfarfaglia
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A fisherman brought in a catch of fish so large it broke his net.

He made a good bit from selling the fish, but unfortunately it was a net loss.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LgomaFxdou
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
i'm laughing so hard

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. Β  I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Black_Mutant
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
🚨︎ report
asking for a loan

Mr. Sterling Frogsen was desperate. After a few months of success, his bakery was beginning to flounder and running in the red. He was a proud man who was proud of starting his small business without asking for any help. But now times were tough and he had to face the fact that without a loan his bakery was doomed.

So he went to local bank but was disheartened to see that the loan officer was the notorious Patricia Wacomb, the hard-nosed banker who only agreed to sure bets and rarely took risks.

"Please, ma'am, I am in sore need of this loan! My bakery is only going through a temporary setback!" Normally such pleas fell on deaf ears, but today Patricia was feeling generous. Something about Mr. Frogsen moved her and she believed his plight.

"Mr. Frogsen, I would approve this loan, but this bank cannot afford to take any risks."

"Is there anything you can do, Ms. Wacomb? I am desperate!"

"Well, do you have any collateral?"

"Only this family heirloom," Sterling responded while handing Patricia his prized family treasure. Patricia was at a loss, however, for she had never seen anything like that before.

"Let me ask my manager," she responded as she showed her director the prized heirloom. His eyes opened wide in amazement as he told her,

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, now give the Frog a loan!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mxwp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Need some help

Hey guys, I'm starting a Sober house and am at a total loss of what to call it. I don't like the cliche "Fresh Start" sort of names.

The closest I could come up with was Club Soba, but then upon checking, found out that name already has been taken.

What's the best you can do?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingsCrownVapor
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by a surgeon today...

The nurses were talking about weight loss tips and the attending surgeon piped up. "You guys know the secret to losing weight is gambling, right? Just last week I was in London and I lost more than a few pounds."

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamthewarthog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I need a pun related to the NES

My girlfriend is making a shirt with a chibi NES controller on it. We are at a loss for puns related to the NES. Any help please?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doomhobo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar...

the bartender looks at him and says "Hey.... why the long face?" The horse looks back at him and solemnly says "My uncle elmer died...". The bartender replies "I'm sorry for your loss..." the horse sighs and says "Yea...He really held the family together"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGnomecop
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Every year Dad has to tell it to SOMEONE...

"It's a little known fact that the Titanic was not only transporting passengers, but was also carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise from Hellman's factories in England to consumers in Mexico. After the Titanic had made its trip to New York, the mayonnaise-- supposedly the largest single shipment of the stuff to ever be delivered to Mexico-- was going to be dropped off in the port city Vera Cruz. But unfortunately, when the ship sank, the Mexicans had lost all of the mayonnaise they had ordered. Extremely saddened by their loss and its economic consequences, the Mexicans declared a day that would go down in history as a holiday of remembrance and mourning. And every year on May the 5th they would celebrate...

"Sinko de Mayo."

hyuh hyuh hyuh hyuh hyuh

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icaz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
🚨︎ report
A short story

John Deavensmit was not having a good time. After an incident involving a coffee spill, he'd been sued for $50 million, and somehow the jury had ruled against him. There was no way he could pay that much money; he'd go bankrupt.

Naturally, he filed for an appeal, but the winner of the case was already beginning to hound him for money, hoping to get at least something before the judgement was overturned. John was nearly at his wit's end before he found an unusual package in his mailbox.

It was from a couple of his friends, who all went on to law school when John left to create a startup. They'd all been very successful, and had gone on to be justices at various levels, from courts in a small county in Wisconsin all the way to the Supreme Court. When he opened it up, he was surprised to see an ink drawing of a thick wooden stick. It was signed by his friends, and accompanied by a note:

> Hey John, > > We're sorry to hear about your loss in court last month. We met up at a judge conference in the Davison Center, and we thought that we'd do something special for you. We met up in the Grapefruit Room and all worked together to draw this. We hope you enjoy it! > > Your friends

Now, John had been to D.C. a few times, and knew about the Davison Centre. It was renowned for its very offbeat architecture. The Grapefruit Room was one of the weirdest: it had been constructed by taking a world-record grapefruit, carving out the flesh, and preserving the rind. The result was a walk-in fruit, and it always smelled of citrus.

It took John a while to work out the significance of the gift, but when he realized it, he was overjoyed. His good friends had seen fit to grant him a stave judge-men penned in a peel.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scshunt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2012
🚨︎ report
My dad at a second hand

Me and my dad were at a new second hand that had just open up. We were standing by the books when he remarked about order the books stood in, or rather the lack of.

Dad: I can't find anything, it's like they just tossed them up.

Me: Definitely, on this shelf alone there's Sci Fi, fantasy and weight loss books.

Dad: Huh, so they're placed by category.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeLikeChicken
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team. Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily…

Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England...

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. The Mexican people loved Mayonnaise so much and this loss was so devastating that the Mexican people declared a National day of Mourning which happens every year on the day the shipment was supposed to arrive. This day of course is May 5th or more commonly known as Sinko de Mayo.

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πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
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