I went to the dentist the other day. He took one look at my teeth and said he needed to do an impression.

To be honest, his Sinatra wasn't that bad.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodNamedBob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, β€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, β€œThat’s Superman…”

β€œThanks, man, ” he replied, β€œI’ve been practicing it a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostPotency
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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My Dad said it was always important to make a good impression at the start of a job interview...

So whenever I went for one I always entered the room saying β€œNice to see you, to see you....”. Only once did someone respond.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend does the same two impressions in every party. He is either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman.

Maybe he’s Bourne with it. Maybe he’s Wolverine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I try to make a lasting impression upon people when I ride the subway...

I enter with stile.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I couldn’t do my flamingo impression around the house anymore.

Well, I finally had to put my foot down.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad (to his son in the backseat, while mom is riding shotgun): "Hey, do you want to hear my impression of your mother?!?!"

Son: "What? Yes, totally!"

Dad (turns to look at mother tenderly): "I think she's a lovely and beautiful woman, a good wife to me, and a good mother to you."

Son: sigh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/matthattar
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
The new printer gave me a terrible first impression
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mortiphago
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
🚨︎ report
The dentist took impressions for a new night guard today. Had to do it twice.

Apparently I didn’t make a good first impression.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mlnkoly111
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...

"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I wasn't impressed with the ketchup manufacturer's market research.

They had terrible sauces.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?

He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."

"He was always looking down on me!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that it’s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me i’m hired.

Woohoo, i got a yob! :D

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zapyre
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)

πŸ‘︎ 388
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
At a conference there was the most courageous person who went by the name Sam. Before he got on the stage to deliver his impressive speech, all attendees begged him not to sing.

But Samsung anyway.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vapingpigeon94
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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My gf wasn’t impressed when she asked me to leave the door ajar
πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Girthquakenz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
People who aren't impressed by pictures of a Black Hole clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sur5er
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend tries to impress women by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.

He said, β€œYou’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMikeLeach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How do fish impress the ladies?

They flex their mussels.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azreal_Mistwalker
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef

A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!

The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.

The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.

The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.

The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ppardee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?

He wrote poultry for her.

πŸ‘︎ 349
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abacadavocados
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A boy complains to his father: 'You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!'

Father: 'Really, what?'

Boy: 'That the potato should go in the front.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Namirred
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal.

It turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/December_Soul
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A pirate dad joke

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”

The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking β€œHow’d you get that?”

β€œAye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.”

The sailor responded with β€œThat’s not as impressive as the first two”.

β€œAye, it was me first day with me hook.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DelaneyElias
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was hungry so I ate all my chips.

Everyone else at the poker game was not impressed.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks in to his job interview

The interviewer waits for the man to sit down before putting the papers in his hand flat on the table between them. "I have here the CV you submitted when you applied for this job. Unfortunately there's a 4 year gap on your CV, can you explain that please?"

The man shuffles uncomfortably in his seat and says "those are the years I went to Yale..."

The interviewer, not expecting this, was taken by surprise and said: "wow that's very impressive! You're hired!"

The man, surprised himself, replies: thanks! I really need this yob!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beardybrownie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Was trying to impress a fine looking lady just the other evening, and I told her people call me "X".

She asked me why, and I had honestly not expected it-- so I panicked and went, "I dunno, "Z"?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hell2go
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried picking up this girl today by sharing my extensive knowledge of the Titanic, but she wasn't impressed.

I guess you could say it wasn't a very effective ice breaker.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godredd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm not impressed with the people who organize the New Year's celebration in Times Square

They always drop the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisGuy21321
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
The most impressive pyramid scheme was the building of the pyramids.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/first-timer-es
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The Gentoo penguin can swim up to 22mph

If you think that's impressive you should see the Gen 3

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaydezi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, β€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, β€œThat’s Superman…”

β€œThanks, man, ” he replied, β€œI’ve been practising it a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkSideDweller
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me, β€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, β€œGo on, then.” He shouted, β€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, β€œThat’s Superman.”

He said, β€œThanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My son asked me, β€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, β€œGo on, then.” He shouted, β€œNOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, β€œThat’s Superman!”

He replied, β€œThanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"

πŸ‘︎ 741
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hatlesshobo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 254
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction! Thanks for the silver! Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/auroraborora
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a...

Super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2018
🚨︎ report

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