I went to the dentist the other day. He took one look at my teeth and said he needed to do an impression.
To be honest, his Sinatra wasn't that bad.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”
My Dad said it was always important to make a good impression at the start of a job interview...
So whenever I went for one I always entered the room saying “Nice to see you, to see you....”. Only once did someone respond.
My friend does the same two impressions in every party. He is either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman.
Maybe he’s Bourne with it. Maybe he’s Wolverine.
I try to make a lasting impression upon people when I ride the subway...
My wife told me I couldn’t do my flamingo impression around the house anymore.
Well, I finally had to put my foot down.
Dad (to his son in the backseat, while mom is riding shotgun): "Hey, do you want to hear my impression of your mother?!?!"
Son: "What? Yes, totally!"
Dad (turns to look at mother tenderly): "I think she's a lovely and beautiful woman, a good wife to me, and a good mother to you."
Son: sigh.
The new printer gave me a terrible first impression
The dentist took impressions for a new night guard today. Had to do it twice.
Apparently I didn’t make a good first impression.
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
I wasn't impressed with the ketchup manufacturer's market research.
They had terrible sauces.
I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?
He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."
"He was always looking down on me!"
At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that it’s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me i’m hired.
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
At a conference there was the most courageous person who went by the name Sam. Before he got on the stage to deliver his impressive speech, all attendees begged him not to sing.
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
My gf wasn’t impressed when she asked me to leave the door ajar
People who aren't impressed by pictures of a Black Hole clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation.
My friend tries to impress women by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.
He said, “You’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”
How do fish impress the ladies?
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!
The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.
The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.
The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.
The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"
What did the rooster do to impress the hen?
He wrote poultry for her.
A boy complains to his father: 'You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!'
Father: 'Really, what?'
Boy: 'That the potato should go in the front.'
I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal.
It turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before.
A pirate dad joke
A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”
The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.”
The sailor responded with “That’s not as impressive as the first two”.
“Aye, it was me first day with me hook.”
I was hungry so I ate all my chips.
Everyone else at the poker game was not impressed.
A man walks in to his job interview
The interviewer waits for the man to sit down before putting the papers in his hand flat on the table between them. "I have here the CV you submitted when you applied for this job. Unfortunately there's a 4 year gap on your CV, can you explain that please?"
The man shuffles uncomfortably in his seat and says "those are the years I went to Yale..."
The interviewer, not expecting this, was taken by surprise and said: "wow that's very impressive! You're hired!"
The man, surprised himself, replies: thanks! I really need this yob!"
Was trying to impress a fine looking lady just the other evening, and I told her people call me "X".
She asked me why, and I had honestly not expected it-- so I panicked and went, "I dunno, "Z"?"
I tried picking up this girl today by sharing my extensive knowledge of the Titanic, but she wasn't impressed.
I guess you could say it wasn't a very effective ice breaker.
I'm not impressed with the people who organize the New Year's celebration in Times Square
They always drop the ball.
The most impressive pyramid scheme was the building of the pyramids.
The Gentoo penguin can swim up to 22mph
If you think that's impressive you should see the Gen 3
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction!
Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)
A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a...
Super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis.
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