Why couldn't Sam ever get along with his Father's sister, Ithesis?
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Why did Harry Potter get along well with Postmen?
It's because he spoke parcel-tongue.
I don’t get along with car keys...
They’re always trying to start something
People say biker gangs, mafia groups, and billionaires run this country. Wrong. It's the head of the dairy lobby.
A man is driving a pickup truck along the road.
In his flat bed he has a bunch of little ducklings. He drives past a police car which immediately fires up his blues and twos, and pulls the pickup truck over.
Policeman says: Sorry mate, you can't be driving around with ducks in your flatbed. You have to take them to the zoo or something.
So, the next day, the same man is driving the same pickup truck on the same road with the same ducklings in the back, except this time they're all wearing sunglasses! The same police officer pulls him over again.
Policeman says: look mate, I told you yesterday to take those bloody baby ducks to the zoo!
Man says: I did, they absolutely loved it! We're going to the seaside next!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Why did the horses get along so well?
They were in a stable relationship
My coworker : My Zodiac sign is Libra ; I want everyone to get along.
Me : I'm a Cancer ; While nobody wants me, I still grow on them.
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get a prize.
Why don't mushrooms always get along?
They like to shiitake other.
I heard that a gang based in Los Angeles is creating paper money with pictures of the founder's foot's digits in place of presidents...
I dunno if the Crip-toe currency will take off or not.
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
Every time we go to the putting green, my friend has to bring along a bag of Pringles to munch on...
He always wants to practice his chipping.
You're in a dirty fistfight against a gang of circus performers. Who do you take down first to weaken the whole team?
How do Mormons sing along to The Weeknd?
Save your tears for a latter day
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
3 and 5 seem to no get along.
They seem to be at odds with each other.
Everyone gets the day off on the 4th of July. But not fire.
I was wondering if I should go to work today, and then I saw some guys putting up a giant rectangle along the highway.
What's the toughest cult to get into...
How do you get to the cemetery?
It's just around the coroner!
I’m back in my hometown looking after my Dad who gets a little forgetful. I helped him with a transaction, and when we left the store he said ‘We need to go to a trophy shop, I need to get a trophy that says-Best Son Ever- “Aw Dad, you’re my trophy”
He looks at me and says ‘It’s for your brother!’
Edit: Today he said he has to get all the info for my brothers trophy… because my brother just had a son and my dad wants to get a commemorative ‘trophy’ for his grandson! D’oh! I’m supposed to be helping him with his confusion.
When women get to the age of 50, they tend to collect lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many-paws.
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
What do you call the place where mythical heroes get their milk?
Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?
Because they were holding an AA Meeting
Why do vegan rappers get along with each other so well?
Because they don’t have beef.
Why did the dark ages get its' name?
How did the blind carpenter get his sight back?
He picked up his hammer & saw.
A Monk was selling flowers on the Playboy mansion grounds and no one but Hef could get him to leave...
Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
I'm a line cook and looking for a way to get in on some of the extra cash that servers earn.
Got any tips you can share?
This happened yesterday: My wife and I were in the garden talking about which flowers to get and plant. She said that she wanted some daisies, but not too many.
I replied, “so just a dollop of daisies?”
What do the Japanese call a gang member responsible for keeping the boss's beer cold?
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer.
If you get lost in the Canadian wilderness, don’t panic unless you see at least one grizzly.
There's a gang going through the shops in our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.
The Police believe they’re still at large.
My teeth don't want to get the vaccine.
They are afraid they might get chipped.
Why did the Caveman get dressed up?
So my 95 lb wife just told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. Ha.
I'm not too worried, I think she's only jokinlkjhfakljnm,nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
If you spell the words “Absolutely Nothing” backwards, you get “Gnihton Yletulosba,” which ironically means...
I said "Something is wrong with these kids, we've got to get them to the hospital..."
"What is it?" said my wife.
"Well, it's a big building with a bunch of patients. But that's not important right now."
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
Why did the cross eyed teacher get fired?
He couldn't control his pupils.
A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke"
The bartender asked "why the big pause"
The bear replies "I was born with them"
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
