Also known as a riposte.
One is a cunning runt.
Help a homie out!
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Turns out he was really clever as well.
Sounds like the Apple didn’t fall too far away from the tree.
They really knew how to put tu and tu together.
just got home from the first day of school (i was in debate class at school)--
dad: how was school?
me: it was good, but a few of my friends dropped debate class
dad: dropped debate? what are they, fishermen?
Now, I'm no sophisticate, so it shouldn't surprise you to learn that I can't speak a lick of French. Knowing this would pose some problems at a French restaurant, I made my illiteracy abundantly clear to our server before hand. So I requested him to be a little more patient with our table on account of my being an uncultured oaf.
Straight away, I had difficulties locating the apps on the menu, which, let me add, was entirely in French. Hoping that our server might give me a hand, I asked him if he could point out where I could find the appetisers on the menu. Instead of answering my sincere question, the waiter tapped the menu rather briskly and said, "Order". Slightly taken aback, I replied, "Pardon?". "ORDER", came the brusque reply. Now, I'm not particularly clever in tense situations, so I repeated the question again, hoping for a slightly more helpful answer. For some reason, our waiter took particular offense at this, and went, "ORDERV, ORDERV, READ THE DAMN MENU. WE HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS TOO, YOU KNOW!". Now, I'm not a particularly prideful person, but even I have some dignity, so we thanked the waiter and excused ourselves.
TLDR; Our rude waiter kept ordering me, an idiot, to order off the menu, instead of telling us where the goddamn appetisers were.
They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".
I said "Defeat of deduct go over defense before detail."
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”
“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a long while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!”
“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”
“Oh yes it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,
“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100
https://i.redditmedia.com/1i8n5hhsN3ki0zaVpgHVFhITZn8H5fgjgEMxgVn-cY0.jpg?w=750&s=b4652e130d0b599636f881297487282b
I see what you didier..
My daughter will be 4 in December and I've been teaching her jokes involving animals and the sounds they make. I had taught her;
What do ducks eat? Quackers
What's a cows favourite place to go? To the mooovies.
She thought they were hilarious and for the next few days I would ask her to tell me a joke and she would repeat one of these jokes and we would laugh together. I asked her this morning to tell me a joke expecting one of these same jokes that she knows, then she took me by surprise by asking;
Why was the sheep on the naughty step?
I was taken aback and wondered where it was going, so I replied;
I don't know. Why was the sheep on the naughty step?
Coz he was a baaaad boy.
Few moments of stunned silence then me and the wife looked at eachother, then burst into fits of laughter while my daughter beamed with pride. Her twin brother is often on the naughty step for being a 'bad boy' and I'm thinking that she has put 2 and 2 together and came up with infant/toddler comedy gold. Very clever, and very proud dad.
Trying to name a building with a clever pun. The building is a recreation room, and the theme of the site is rock/stone and/or lake.
So far the only contender for the name is the Rockreation Room, but I know it can be better.
Any suggestions welcome
The band I'm in was setting up for an outdoor gig in the heat of the late summer afternoon. The drummer (an old guy) said, "Time to pick up my biggest fan!" He strolled over to his car and grabbed a box fan and set it up near his drum set.
I can't believe I took him seriously for a minute.
My Dad and I were getting dinner ready when I quizzed him on how he seasoned the chicken and gravy mixture he was fawning over.
"Uh I haven't put anything in but the chicken, and the gravy."
"Were you going to season it?"
"Wasn't planning on it." he finished, apparently done with the conversation as his full attention was now on whatever football game was on. I decided if he wasn't going to take the initiative and make our food taste like something other than bland than I would.
"Here Dad put in some garlic," I said as i started grabbing spices from the cabinet.
"Some basil, salt, pepper, thyme... " I didn't see any thyme in here which was too bad because it would be just the thing for this.
"Hey DAD do we have any thyme left?" I asked him a little louder than I had been talking before.
"Time for what?" he asked, finally breaking his attention from the flat screen, a severely confused and almost worrried look cemented on his brow. And then, as quick as a camera lens closing to capture a shot, he winked.
.
.
.
TL;DR I'm pretty sure you have enough thyme to read it.
http://imgur.com/a/mAWgU
I know this topic has been done to death in here and I apologise to the mods for bringing it up again but recent "jokes" have made me question what the point of this sub is.
I'd like to not have a discussion about "should we let NSFW jokes here or not" instead I think it should be important to understand what everyone thinks their defenition of a dadjoke actually is.
Before I say my definition I want to make it clear that I whole heartedly enjoy good NSFW jokes and I'm a regular visitor to r/unclejokes.
My defenition: a good dadjoke is something that is usually based around a bad pun or clever word play that makes people around you groan or roll their eyes, similar to the types of jokes you find in Christmas crackers, they are so bad that they are good. The language involved can sometimes be a bit NSFW depending on the subject material but on the whole if you change things about a bit your can make it suitable for most ages. It is the type of joke where when you tell it everyone's first reaction is to complain how bad it is before then secretly uttering a chuckle themselves.
I want to know what everyone else's definition of a dadjoke is so that we can see what everyone thinks. The old "it's a dadjoke because I'm a dad and I'm telling a joke" I just don't think is an accurate enough description so trying to get a better one.
Thank you.
Wednesday is actually twos day this week! Don't miss the opportunity to tell your wife and kids that clever dad joke!
Wednesday 2/2/22 is twos day!!
#10 Why does a tiger tell the truth? Because he isn't a lion. #9 If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats! #8 Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark! #7 What is cleverer than a talking cat? A spelling bee! #6 What is a cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews! #5 Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens! #4 Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted. #3 What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss. #2 What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show! #1 What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big, furry creature that purrs while it sits on you
For a bit of context, in human anatomy the chin is referred to as “mental” which is why the area below the chin is considered “sub mental.”
So I am in Anatomy Lab which is being held on Zoom due to Covid, and this is our last lab session for the semester before we transition to Neuro Lab for the remainder of the semester.
So all of my anatomy professors are present and the professor asks “Are there any questions before we begin?”
me bursting at the seams with this joke I’ve been sitting on for 2 weeks
“Yes Professor I wanted to ask, is your chin okay?” “My…my chin?” “Yea, I was told that if you care about someone, you should check on their mental health, you know?” cue the professors all slowly getting the joke before they all start laughing out loud
I got a mix of groans from fellow classmates and praise from professors for being clever. My professor asked where my kid was, as this was a textbook dad joke.
I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as my professors did. It was a golden opportunity that I couldn’t pass up.
We had a chuckle. I thought it was clever. Told her she was going to be a great Dad someday. Cue the uncontrollable laughter…
While on vacation to a Caribbean island, he was Tropic Al
As a master gardener, he is Botanic Al
When the people need a doctor, he is Medic Al
When he tells clever jokes, he’s Comic Al
He can look two ways at once as Bidirection Al
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
My brother and I are watching Star Wars VI. The Rebel Alliance is talking about destroying the shields on the planet Endor. I turn to my brother and ask him, "Isn't Endor the planet with the forests and tall trees?". He grins, turns to me, and says, "No; that's Outdoor". I'm astounded a 12 year old could be so clever.
Preface: I live in Ohio.
Over the years my dad and I have taken lots of trips together or vacations to different states. Well whenever he goes to pay for something with cash, thinking he's real clever, he asks the cashier if they accept Ohio money. Every. Single. Time. The cashier instantly gets super confused and kinda just stares awkwardly. Despite how dumb the joke is I honestly do get a chuckle out of how uncomfortable the cashiers get lol.
Bartender says “Sure... If you say so. Now please leave.”
Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.”
Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?”
Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.”
Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth”
Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!”
Guy and dog leave.
Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
I have two favorite titles that are extremely clever puns.
“Shawn the Sheep” “Dexter”
“Shawn the Sheep” is a sly play on the dialect of the characters in the animation. “Shawn” and “shorn” have the same pronunciation in the dialect of the outskirts of Bristol, UK.
“Dexter” is a wonderful Latin pun. “Dexter” is the word for “right” and “Sinister” is the implied compliment, the word for “left” in Latin. Dexter is a series about a serial killer who only murders those guilty of crimes. His name in Latin implies he is the opposite of sinister, right or just.
If someone makes a pun, you have to reply in a pun... but it has to be on the same topic as the original pun. Sooooooooooooooooooo my friend had the most clever, best pun of all time... A 3 word combo. The topic was dairy... and he made a pun I didn't quite catch... so with his wit, he responded "I guess that one flew right pasteurize" My mind was shattered...
i am the most clueless person in the world when it comes to puns, but i want a really clever one for the back of my shirt for my high school powderpuff game. my name is maddie, they won’t allow any super inappropriate innuendos, and it has to be no more than 12 characters. all suggestions are appreciated!!! thanks y’all!!
Hi my school is having a competition related to skin. My teammates and I are looking for a clever skin related term. Reddit's the holy grail of puns so I figured I could find something here. It dirty or clean it doesn't matter there are no rules. EDIT: We had the competition today, and as I replied down lower my team wanted the name, "Myoclonic Jerks." Wasn't skin related, but they liked it.
I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.
We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."
I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
SERIOUS: This subreddit needs to understand what a "dad joke" really means.
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the socks are coming off, the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really ruffles my jimmies. First of all, dad jokes CAN be lame, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child, then it was probably just a conversation, not a joke. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes, because children aren’t allowed to make cheesy dad jokes. Ever. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a ritz cracker would understand it better. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my breast.
—signed,
Moms.
