The Big C Puns

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."

So I have used this joke religiously for many many years. My oldest 20, second 5 and then my baby girl is just over 18 months. Every time any of them need a new diaper.

“Alright looks like you’ve broke it, there’s a crack in it so you need a new butt.”

The two older ones still crack up and princess dances around when I say it.

(Yes that is a mighty big gap in ages and yes all the same mom)

and asks the barman, "hey can i get a pint of ...

........

........

...beer please"

The barman says, sure but why the big pause?

Bar man says "no worries, but why the big pause?"

Polar bear says "Oh, I've always had these"

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

In my book group the other day we were talking about overseas travel.

One guy had been to Australia years ago. “What’s the name of that big rock in the middle of the continent?” he asked. Somebody said, Ayers Rock.

“Yeah, that’s it.” he said. “I climbed it.”

“Wow, you climbed Ayers Rock?”

“Yeah, but they don’t let you do that any more.”

I piped right up: “Climb-it change.”

Loud groans and shaking heads all around. Dad joke accomplished.

A man goes to an auction , and he’s a big Shakespearean fanatic. One of the items comes up and it’s a pencil that was used by the man himself when writing his sonnets. Authenticated, however, the ends all chewed up. As the man leans in a passerby asks him “What type of pencil is that?” The fanatic thinks for a moment before saying: “I’m can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.”

..and as big as the last two put together.

He decides to break out during the day, figuring the guards will not suspect this. As he breaks through the ground to the surface, he finds himself in a preschool playground. He is surprised, but he rejoices anyway, shouting, "I'm free, I'm free!" At this a little girl approaches him, puts her hand on her hip, and says, "big deal! I'm four!"

The flag is a big plus

A big moron and a little moron were sitting on a fence. The big one fell off but the little one didn't. You wanna know why. Cause he was a little more on.

They've been required by law for years, and proven to reduce deaths.

Once the child gets big enough though, the normal seat belt works just fine.

Caveman Bob wedged a long, thick branch under it, hoping to pry it away - but the boulder would not budge. Caveman Bob tried over and over again, but eventually the branch snapped in two. Poor Caveman Bob was stuck. Sigh...

Suddenly, Caveman Bob remembered his neighbor, Caveman Nate, was big and strong and maybe he could help. So Caveman Bob banged on the wall of his cave, hollering, "Caveman Nate, Caveman Bob Stuck!!!" Caveman Bob did this many, many times when suddenly, he heard grunting and groaning from outside his cave. Caveman Bob went to look, and sure enough, Caveman Nate was pushing the huge boulder away from Caveman Bob's doorway. Caveman Bob was FREE at last. Caveman Nate saved the day.

The moral of this story is... Better Nate than Lever.

Today, I was riding with friends through downtown. We got stuck behind a pick up truck at a red light. The driver had a window sticker emblazoned across his window for a dot com. "WWW.FREEMANGAS.COM" We all commented on how it sounded like a scam site. Why would anyone post Manga to a web site for free? Maybe, they bootleg videos? And, why would you advertise on your big white Dodge Ram? It just felt like a weird sticker. The light changes and we move to the turn lane, right beside the driver door. More vinyl decals..."Freeman Gas." I am still laughing.

So the organizers contacted the elves and started communicating their rights to them.

At first, union outreach seemed to be going well. But then the process ran aground.

The elves delivering the presents had some contact with the outside world, so they understood they were getting a bad deal and wanted to go on strike.

And even the factory elves were sympathetic, because they'd seen their coworkers be punished for getting injured.

But, as one organizer mourned,

"It's the little folks slaving away in the back of the warehouse who don't understand. They're loyal to the big man, because he keeps them so isolated."

All in all, it was a bad case of stock gnome syndrome.

I had to ask about other cryptids.

Werewolves? Real. They make great pets.

Bigfoot? Yes they and the Yeti are the same things. Big hairy hermits.

Aliens? I don’t know but I Vant to believe.

Instakilogram. (I didn't want to tell it. The big boys made me do it).

She excitedly says yes, and the boy spends the entirety of the next day preparing for the big day.

The first thing he does to make it extra fancy is to rent a limousine for a day (yes, he is rich), but when he arrives at the rental center, he notices that many other people had the same idea. There was an enormous line that stretched out the building. Nevertheless, this boy was determined to make this night a special night, and waited for hours. Luckily, he succeeded in the end, and rented a shiny black limo. He was starting to get really excited.

After that, he goes to the tailor to pick up a brand new suit and tie to look as sharp as possible. But once again, the line for that wrapped around the block and forced the boy to wait another long hour. He sighed, but still waited in line, as he was quite persistent and knew it would be well worth it in the end. In the end, though, he got a perfect suit that fit him well. No wrinkles, no nothing; it was just pure handsomeness.

Then, the moment came. In his limousine, he once again drove up to his crush's house, well-dressed in the brand new suit he just bought. She came out looking stunning as well in an aqua dress that sparkled in the evening sunlight. Excited as ever, she leaped into the fancy limo and rode to prom with him, ready for the big night.

When they arrived, however, there was yet another long line into the ballroom, as many people needed to be accepted. It was quite a busy night. After half an hour of waiting, the couple finally made it through and began dancing. It was all going really well, and everyone was having quite a grand time.

A few hours later, they became thirsty and went to get a drink. Both him and his girlfriend were in the mood for fruit punch, but nobody else seemed to want it. When they entered the snack bar, they noticed more long lines of people wanting to get other snacks and drinks, but surprisingly... there was no punchline.

I don’t know but the flag is a big plus.

I was in the car with my dad and we were stuck in traffic because the streets had been flooding. At one point my dad turned around and said "you need to pee?". I look confused and say "no, not really.". Then my dad puts on the most ridiculously big smile and says " good, we don't need any more flooding".My dad is a flipping legend

But the flag is a big plus.

… and we noticed that our Tame Impala, Artic Monkeys and The 1975 necklaces weren’t selling, so we’re doing a big sale on July 4th.

We’re calling it Indie Pendants day.

But after the last flop, when the tide was high, all the big whales and card sharks folded fin by fin--and there was a clamor! Because the tuna that schooled them was just a Bluefin.

And he was a very talented guitarist, so good in fact that one day his friend the chicken turned to him and asked would he like to be in a band with him. The horse of course agreed he and the chicken who played the drums went looking for a singer and a bassist. They decided to approach the Sheep who was the best singer on the farm, the Sheep agreed and told them about how the Pig was a pretty good bass player so they all asked him to join the band and he agreed.

So The Barnyard Animals got to work practicing and rehearsing their little hearts out. They started playing open mic nights and gained some traction. After a few years they managed to get signed by a major record label and The Barnyard Animals became an international phenomenon. They toured in every country for the better part of a decade until they finally decided retire. The Horse decided to settle down in English countryside, the Chicken went to Australia, the Pig went to Japan and the Sheep went to New Zealand.

A few years later Gary Barlow contacts the Horse about getting The Barnyard Animals back together for a big charity Live Aid type concert in Wembley. The Horse contacts his band mates and they all agree. So the Pig, the Sheep and the Chicken all fly out to Singapore and get the same connection to London. But in a terrible turn of events the plane crashes and all The Barnyard Animals apart from the horse die in a fiery inferno.

The horse upon finding out that his oldest friends have all died goes into a deep depression. He locks himself in his house and tries to drink his pain away. A few weeks later when every bottle of anything that could be drank had been drunk. He puts on his hat and sunglasses so no one would be able to recognise him and heads to the closest pub. So the Horse walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey, why the long face?"

"Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. "If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"

“Hey Freddie,” he asked; “I know the recording budget’s pretty tight, but do you want me to hire someone to play those… Ah, I forgot the word… Those big tuned drums?”

Freddie shook his head and answered: “I’m just a poor boy; I need no timpani.”

I sat down and ordered a drink. Shortly afterwards, a weasel came in. I noticed he was wearing a U2 shirt.

“So, you are a U2 fan?” I inquired.

“Oh yes!” He exclaimed, “I’ve been a fan of them since the 80s. I think Bono is this generation’s greatest front man and The Edge is the most underrated guitarist. And the rhythm and grooves provided by Adam and Larry make them such a well rounded band. I’ve seen them in concert 33 times and every time they blow me away. They keep reinventing themselves and they always amaze me. I have all their albums!”

“Wow, you are a big fan! What’s your favorite album?”

“Pop” goes the weasel.

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

An astronomer walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just came from a star watching party at the observatory. They had a big door prize drawing to win a really nice telescope. I didn't win. But I did get this neat star map of the night sky," he says as he shows it to the bartender. "I guess it was a constellation prize."

It was as big as the last two combined!

Well...the flag's a big plus.

But the flag is a big plus

Not sure, but the flag is a big plus

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

The flag is a big plus.

But the flag is a big plus

I don't know, but the flag is big plus

Well, the flag is a big plus.

A bear walks into a bar and says:

Can I have a pint of....................... Guinness.

The barman says:

Why the big paws?

🐻

Well, the logo is a big plus.