What do you call a dog with a surround sound system?

Subwoofers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keychain33
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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What do you call apps which deal with the human nervous system?

Synapse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mayteras
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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What do you call a small dog with a tiny sound system?

A sub-woofer

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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What do you call a bodyguard for System of a Down?

A Serj protector.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tahlwyn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
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You can call me the endocrine system

Because I can make a whore moan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaiush
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
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What do you call a multi level system of cats?

Cataracts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2017
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What do you call food made in the Solar System

Sol food.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinwin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2015
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My sink’s disposal system is called the insinkerator
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-piano-guy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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I called my boss to tell her I couldn’t get the security system to arm as I locked up the office tonight

She seemed unalarmed...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sockyg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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What’s it called when a tree finishes uploading photon particles into its system??

Photo-s-in-the-sys

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πŸ‘€︎ u/misteramuk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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If KFC ran a linux system it would be called "Kernel Sanders"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unit4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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I figured out why I am so shy and awkward

A main part of my body is called the nervous system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pokebandit91
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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System administrators should be called LANlords.

Redditors that do networking would probably appreciate this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ixfd64
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2015
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The real reason Microsoft is calling the new operating system Windows 10

Because Windows 7 ate 9

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freedmonster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2014
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Hello dark nes my old friend
πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/btcdarius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
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Dewey's doctor has been keeping track of all of his moles. The location and size of them. He's so thorough that he measures them all the way down to tenths.

He called it the Dewey deci-mole system..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Limited release Harry Potter title
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ddh85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
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Can you believe it says in the Bible that men should make their wife’s coffee everyday?

Yup, it’s right there in Hebrews.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scorchedgoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Two farmers were talking. "Mate, why do all your sheep have those black stripes on their sides?"

" It's my new counting system, see that special collar on me dog, it's got a camera and it scans the sheep as the dog rounds them up. "

"Damn me, what'll they think of next? What's it called?"

"Baa codes mate"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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A little history...

In the late '60s the government was developing ARPANET and the developers were trying to find a way for users on the system to communicate with each other.

The scientists involved came up with an electronic messaging system that they called the Tickle.

Tickles could be used to send important code updates, meeting invitations, or even just little jokes all along the network.

The DOD heard about these Tickles and asked for a briefing to determine their military potential. At a high-level meeting of generals and admirals, the lead developer presented the Tickle concept.

The ranking General asked for a demonstration and the lead scientist said "Sure, I'll send you a test Tickle."

And that's how E-mail was born.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkipperMcGoo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O too” β€” and he died.


A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.


Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your β€œstyle.”


I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.


Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.


Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.


Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.


What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies β€œFor you, no charge”.


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: β€œOh, no, I think I lost an electron.” β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYe

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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I just dad joked the on-call nurse

I had to call the doctor's office about a new medication she put me on, when the nurse answers the phone

Me: Hi, my name is *** I'm calling for Dr ***. She just put me on this new medicine and I'm supposed to call in and let her know how everything is going

Nurse: ok, hun. I have to look you up in the system. What's your date of birth?

Me: April 7th

Nurse: What year?

Me: every year...

Nurse sigh ... what year were you born, sir?

Me: chuckle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Groovy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
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Techie Joke

Background, I work for a relatively large University as front line tech support for Staff and Students, walk up, phone, email, chat, etc.

Today was first day of classes so a large number of students and staff passed through our doors. Walk-ups take a number then we can press a button on our system to claim the next number and we can call them.

We had extra help today so not all of the tickets that were pushed were called.

I pull up my ticket system start clicking and calling, a lot of them, no response. I get to 404, call it out, no response so I repeat it and "Not Found? ok".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AceofToons
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Fridge Problems

Recently, my mother started smelling a coolant leak from our refridgerator. She called the repair man and he started work. Several hours later, he had his diagnosis, and it wasn't good. The whole machine was going to need to be replaced. Just as he was finishing up, my dad walked in. My dad asked the repair man what the damages were, and he explained that the coolant intake had sprung a leak. The whole unit was sealed, and air was now getting in and contaminating the entire system. The repair costs of the fridge would be about the same as getting a new one. My dad just sighed and looked at his hands.

Dad: "It sucks." He looked at the repair man with a goofy grin on his face. The repair man thought for a moment before answering.

Repair man: "Yeah... it does suck." Then both men cracked up laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluefoot_Fox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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