But I think it’s a sham pain
Water Bordeauxed
Apparently he was told to take cava.
I don't know, but it's definitely not a flat.
Because that would be in cider trading
But I bet it’s skyrocketed.
(Actual dad joke said by my dad just a few minutes ago.)
Champagne
(chamPAIN)
So I added spring water.
I said it tasted like devil carbonate :D
Why did the soda crusher quit his job?
. . . It was soda pressing!
I guess every Rosé has its thorn!
An iglow.
My daughter is 14 and has been asking for a nose ring for a while now. She thinks she will wear me down but she is wrong (this time). She was out shopping with my wife today... this is how our conversation went.
Daughter: Dad, what if your christmas present was to just let me get my nose pierced with a tiny cute lil" sparkle??!!
Me: No. You have plenty of holes in your ears ( 3 each 🙄, not my idea ) Buy a nose ring and put it in your ear hole if you need to. We'll call it a "near" ring. 😉
Daughter: U R Not funny.
Me: Kinda funny? 😁
Daughter: No.
In summary: I was/am so proud of myself that I thought I would share. 🤣🤣 Hope you enjoy!
So, I got her nothing.
I replied, "No I'll drink it. It's still water."
Oui, il sait porter La Croix.
It's an aquaired taste
She excitedly says yes, and the boy spends the entirety of the next day preparing for the big day.
The first thing he does to make it extra fancy is to rent a limousine for a day (yes, he is rich), but when he arrives at the rental center, he notices that many other people had the same idea. There was an enormous line that stretched out the building. Nevertheless, this boy was determined to make this night a special night, and waited for hours. Luckily, he succeeded in the end, and rented a shiny black limo. He was starting to get really excited.
After that, he goes to the tailor to pick up a brand new suit and tie to look as sharp as possible. But once again, the line for that wrapped around the block and forced the boy to wait another long hour. He sighed, but still waited in line, as he was quite persistent and knew it would be well worth it in the end. In the end, though, he got a perfect suit that fit him well. No wrinkles, no nothing; it was just pure handsomeness.
Then, the moment came. In his limousine, he once again drove up to his crush's house, well-dressed in the brand new suit he just bought. She came out looking stunning as well in an aqua dress that sparkled in the evening sunlight. Excited as ever, she leaped into the fancy limo and rode to prom with him, ready for the big night.
When they arrived, however, there was yet another long line into the ballroom, as many people needed to be accepted. It was quite a busy night. After half an hour of waiting, the couple finally made it through and began dancing. It was all going really well, and everyone was having quite a grand time.
A few hours later, they became thirsty and went to get a drink. Both him and his girlfriend were in the mood for fruit punch, but nobody else seemed to want it. When they entered the snack bar, they noticed more long lines of people wanting to get other snacks and drinks, but surprisingly... there was no punchline.
I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."
So, my sister is having her final tests on high school (I'm in college and have a really cute son with my girlfried) and got home today with a weird look on her eyes. Me and dad were having some sandwiches and watching The Empire Strikes Back (Star Wars marathon hype!). I looked at her and asked what happened, she immediately responded "I'm tired as fuck." By that point, I looked at my dad. He was looking at me, with a sparkle on his eyes. We both stood up, walked to her and said together: "HELLO TIRED AS FUCK, WE ARE DAD" Even my mother started laughing. It was hillarious.
"Well son, now that you've got a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this"
"Dad, you don't mean-"
"Yes son, I do" Dad pulls out a copy of 1001 dad jokes.
"Dad .. I'm honoured ..", he says, tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honored", replies his father. "I'm dad".
So basically there's a soiree to raise money and I can't think of any puns or slogans for it. It will be during winter but after Christmas. I don't know where I would turn for this so I'll give this subreddit a shot. What I 've come up with so far: Snowy Soiree, Sparkling soiree, Winter soiree.... they're not good. :(
Instructor: Only true champagne comes from Champagne Italy, everything else is called sparkling wine.
raise my hand
Me: where are these ones from?
Instructor: Those three are from California.
Me: So the rest of these are just Sham-pagnes?
Whole room groans, gf says she's never taking me to these again.
A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father
"Well son, now that you've got a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this"
"Dad, you don't mean-"
"Yes son, I do" Dad pulls out copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition
"Dad... I'm honoured...", he says, tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured", replies his father. "I'm dad".
A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father
"Well son, now that you’ve got a kid of your own, I think it’s time to give you this"
"Dad, you don’t mean-"
"Yes son, I do" Dad pulls out copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition "Dad… I’m honoured…", he says, tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured", replies his father. "I’m dad".
