Short Brothers Puns

I hope for the vest but expecting the wurst.

“SIX Pence? Nun the richer.”

My brother found $20 in my shorts taking them out of the dryer

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins. Labour was imminent, so she was taken to the hospital to give birth. Her husband was stuck at the office, so her brother, who is a little bit kooky and not the sharpest knife in the drawer, went along with her.

Everything goes well in the delivery room, and she becomes the mother to two healthy children, a girl and a boy. The pregnancy took a lot out of her and she promptly passed out from exhaustion shortly after the birth.

A little while later, the father shows up, all excited to hear about his new kids. The wife's brother is in the waiting room when he arrives.

Husband: "How'd it go?"

Wife's brother: "It went great! Your wife gave birth to a healthy girl and a healthy boy!"

Husband: "That's amazing! Thanks so much for coming down with her."

Wife's brother: "No problem. She passed out after giving birth, so when the doctor came to get their names recorded, I handled it all."

Husband: gulps "Oh really?"

Wife's brother: "Yup. I named your daughter Denise."

Husband: "Denise. Well, that's not so bad now, is it? And my boy? What's my boy's name?"

Wife's brother: "Well, naturally he's Denephew."

My brother and I aren't super tall by any means (both 6'1") but we tower over my 5" 5' mother.

So last night, after going to my other brother's choir concert, we were walking back to my car. My brother turns to me and says "hey /u/Devchar96, let's pretend we're as short as Mom." He then crouch walked.

My response? "Nah, I won't stoop to that level."

I'm so proud of myself guys. I feel like I'm finally qualified for Dad-hood!

At a wedding reception where the chocolates on the table were in nice looking package.

• Dad: Don't throw that way; I'll take them home.
• Mom: Great another of one thousand useless items that'll be on a shelf.
• Dad: Aaaaw, Honey -- I'd never put you on the shelf.

While watching a baseball game:

• Mom: Are they "boo'ing?" Nobody "boos" anymore.
• Dad: Hey can I have a blow job?
• Mom: Shut up.
• Dad: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

In regards to meatloaf my mother made:

• Mom: Sorry the meatloaf isn't that good.
• Dad: It's Ok. But next time try adding some Alpo.

While eating at relatives' house:

• Mom: Wow. This is really good! We used to eat like this all the time growing up.
• Uncle: Really? Where I come from we just call it Hamburger Helper.

In regards to an inappropriately shaped child's toy:

• Me: Did you buy that at one of those special stores you guys got in San Francisco?
• Grandfather: What?! Of course not! God no - that's not mine!
• ...
• Grandfather: It's too small...

When my brother and I were screwing around instead of helping in the garage:

• Dad: You know, twice, twice! I thought I got it out quick enough but some must have dribbled back inside.

After listening to a 3 minute voice mail from my mother:

• Me: What did she want?
• Dad: You want the long or the short version?
• Me: Short.
• Dad: Nothing.
• Me: Ok long version.
• Dad: Nothing much.

I was hanging out with my brother at his girlfriend's house today. I also need to mention she's the daughter of a pastor. She was feeding her pet bird some chicken when her dad walked in and scolded her for feeding meat to her bird. I said, "now hold up Pastor Hill, maybe this is what the bird should eat. After all, it is a bird of PRAY." I'm expecting a beard soon and all I wear now is cargo shorts and crocs.

So I'm not a dad but I do have fatherly aspirations. I told this joke at a wedding for a friend of mine. All names have changed except the bride's last name- it's a big part of the joke. My buddy we'll call Bob Smith, and his bride is Jane Patton.

After the father of the bride gives his toast, and the best man does his, I grab the mike from the best man and begin. This is as verbatim as I can remember. So I intro myself and promise to keep my comment short and say,

"Bob, I just want to say you're a great friend of mine, like a brother, and one thing I love about you is you're always surprising me. Like today for instance, I didn't know you were an inventor. Lo and behold, you've got your name on a Patton!"

Chuckles, drowned out by groans. I apologize and return to my seat.

Me and my brother (looking after his son) having a conversation after I got back from a short holiday.

Me: I can't get into my house at the moment...

Brother: Why not?

Me: Turns out it flooded while I was away, hot water pipes burst...

Brother: That must have dampened the mood!

Brother proceeds to move his sons mouth into a mock laughing motion as he chuckles to himself.

Me: I think [brother] needs to get away from electronics a little bit more.

Dad: He doesn't want to leave electronics. He's building an electronic girlfriend... She's a little short wired though.

[ome and a half second pause]

We both burst out laughing [4]

I'm a shit storyteller, so I'll just keep it short.

My uncle caught my brother in a very obvious lie, and he decided to have a little bit of fun; He told my brother his horns would grow every time he'd lie (like pinocchio's nose). The best part? Later, my dad saw my brother looking in the mirror, checking for horns.