I told my friend to give me a sharpie to write a joke on his face, I threw it away...

he asked why? I said "Your face is a joke"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pacson_So_Funny
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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one time i stabbed someone with a sharpie

the damage was permanent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iisowo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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I had a cop draw a gun on me once

He just pulled out a sharpie and started drawing all over me. I could not for the life of me figure out why, but it was very unprofessional

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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Ah, I see what you did there
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πŸ‘€︎ u/despasadness
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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I bought my kids a bunch of Sharpies to play with, and my wife is mad at me.

It is weird though. She wakes up every day with a huge smile on her face.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
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I got stabbed by a marker!

It was definitely a Sharpie!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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My wife's bra has the brand name "Splendid", embroidered on the band under one of the cups ...

I just took a sharpie and wrote "Also quite nice" under the other one.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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How do you color a cactus?

With a Sharpie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gngwarlord
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...

Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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I cut myself with a marker the other day

It was a sharpie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iFlyHighh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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BEE PUNS

Hey guys, I am working on a video project for AP Calc and am doing the bee move, but everytime they say bee a formula is introduced, then the next time an example. We are writing the formulas on yellow paper and writing in black sharpies because black amd yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, ahh yellow and black. Anyqay, I need space fillers on the sheets of paper, so bee puns! I need a bunch, so do your thing!

We are also dressing up in bee costumes to take pictures of the formulas amd photoshopping our teachers face onto Barry Bee Benson

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmm8398
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
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accidental dad joke

I threw a light bulb in the glove compartment of my car, because it had burnt out at work, i'd swapped it, and put it in my pocket. I had put a black X on it in sharpie to mark it as bad. Some months later, someone was digging and found it. He asked me why i left it in the glove box, and i told him "yeah, i guess that's a bad idea." He slapped me at the next red light.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gamman500
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
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My dad asked me if I wanted a Hertz donut...

Back in the 90s, I remember playing some N64 after school when my dad came home from work. He comes into the living room and asks me what's up and, as a teen, I say "nuthin" and keep playing while he just stands there. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he's looking at me with a stupid grin on his face that's he's trying to suppress poorly. Finally, he asks me to pause the game. I turn to him and he asks "You want a Hertz donut?" I obviously know this joke, but to make it worse, he's already making a fist, ready at his side. I roll my eyes and say "No, I do not want a Hertz donut." He just relaxes his hand and says surprised "Oh, you don't? You sure?" I say I'm sure and he says okay and walks back out to his car, leaving me to return to my GoldenEye. A few seconds later, he comes strolling back in the room, with a box of a dozen donuts in his hand, while he's eating one, with the same stupid grin on his face. On the box of donuts, "Dunkin" has been crudely crossed out and Hertz written beneath it in Sharpie marker. He walks into the kitchen saying "Guess you won't be having these Hertz donuts!" I'm in awe. I follow him into the kitchen and he finally relents and lets me take a donut. I ask him "So, you bought these donuts, and just put this joke together on the way home?" He says he thought of the joke earlier in the day at work and had to buy the donuts for the bit. I start laughing hysterically thinking about him sitting at work itching to leave to pull this off. As we sit there, quietly eating these donuts, he breaks the silence with a mouth full of donut, with "Had to stop at CVS to pick up a Sharpie too." I almost choked on the donut jimmies.

TLDR: Dad offered a Hertz donut, should've taken him up on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PriestPorridge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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My coworkers groaned every time I mentioned it

A coworker last night named Mark accidentally left a bottle of water at my station. To make sure he gets it next time he comes in, I wrote his name on it with a sharpie.

I've been telling people I Marked the bottle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuebic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
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My dad got me with this one earlier

Dinner had just ended and I was writing out a list with a sharpie. My hand slipped and I got a line onto the countertop. I was using a washcloth to try and get it off when my Dad yelled "STOP! Black lines matter!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HighFiveHippo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2015
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Had a string of great dad jokes in the bar the other night.

Quick backstory: there is a bar in my town that all new alumni of the town's university sign upon graduation. My friends and I were in their celebrating a 21st birthday on Saturday and I just graduated. The bar is a restaurant in the daytime and they have great sundaes.

My friend asked the bartender for a sharpie so I could sign the ceiling. The bartender didn't have one and this was our exchange:

Me: "Ah let's come in tomorrow and get sundaes and I'll sign the ceiling."

Friend: "Sounds good to me."

Me: "It could be a sundate."

Friend: "Really...."

Me: "Convenient on Sunday!"

Friend: "Jokes on you it's going to be really cloudy!"

Me: "So then it's just clou-day."

Friend: "Get out." (Turns back to me while cringing)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/4ureli
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2015
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Literal Puns are his forte.

So I walk into the kitchen and see my Dad grab a big knife to cut some vegetables. "Whoa Dad, thought you just drew a knife on me." He proceeds to grab a sharpie and draw a knife on my forearm, then continues his vegetable chopping.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheshireCatXD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2014
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Probably the hardest I've ever laughed at one of my own jokes.

Today at work, an older woman I work with was talking to me, and called me by my name. Now, her thing is that she comes up with nicknames for everyone that works there. So I tell her, "No, you can't call me by my name, my nickname is Josheroon. You have to be consistent." Her response was something along the lines of "Well you never gave me a nickname that sticks!"

Five minutes pass as I go back to ringing up customers. When the store gets quiet and I have a little free time, I take a piece of tape and write NICKNAME in Sharpie. Run outside, go up to her and stick it proudly on her arm. "Now you have a nickname that sticks!"

Watching her face turn from confusion to slight laughter, and my other co-worker shaking his head caused me to burst out in laughter harder than I have at that job in a long time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terminavelocity
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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My dad said he had a round tuit.

he told me it was because people would say "I'll do it when I get around to it" so he could give them a round tuit. It was a washer that he had sharpied "tuit" on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hornedCapybara
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
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I decide to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning..

I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mudpucket2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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I wanted to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning...

I'm not allowed to keep Sharpies in the house anymore

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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