So, I had a headache
We were discussing an upcoming business trip I'm taking you next week, when he says:
"So what's taking you there, other then the plane?"
Smooth Dad, real smooth.....
Her: Knock, Knock..
Me: Come in...
I then spent the next 10 minutes trying to make her stop crying because I ruined her joke.
My fiancée is a graduate student. The cat likes to whine until she's picked up. As my fiancée was studying, the cat jumped up onto her desk.
Her (to the cat): "If you come over here, you're going to get held."
Me: "No, you're playing into her hand!"
Her: "She doesn't have any hands."
I must say, I'm a bit proud.
“This takes me back.”
Because you don’t turn your back on family.
ME: ...And?
...I’m all ears.
I hope no-one is behind us
Ur a bus.
I can't wait to see how it turns out.
rac ruoy.
“Now this takes me back”
There’s no going back now.
I received the fastest ban alive.
It’s when the devil tells a priest to exit the child’s body.
Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc.
Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset.
Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky.
Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?
6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.
Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.
12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.
Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.
Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.
Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.
Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"
7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.
Dark, wasn’t it?
Everyone keeps telling me no.
Reverse Card
But I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling me.
And left
That was a pain in the ass.
Backwords
which also means nothing.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡So, I had the headache.
“This takes me back.”
This takes me back.
this takes me back
...I’m all ears.
It really takes me back.
You know, this really takes me back
“This takes me back...”
I think, huh, this takes me back
I thought, this takes me back
There’s no turning back now.
“This takes me back.”
It's when the demon takes the priest out of the child.
I can't wait to see how it turns out.
There’s no going back now.
Dark, wasn’t it?
There’s no going back now.
....this takes me back.
